Bring me back to life!

I’ve  gotten to a point where I finally have had enough of my own self pity and victimization. I have, too often, been feeling so sorry for myself in the past couple of months. The self pity have taken over and I have been depressed, I know that for sure now – because I now feel things (good things) I haven’t felt for a long long time. I’ve just become aware of the fact that things hasn’t been what I want them to be.

I know I repeatedly say to be accepting of whatever emotion you are living with in the present and just allow for it to be present in your body in order not to cause internal friction and frustration through wanting things to be other than what they are. I still believe that, to a point, but I also have become aware of the fact that I might have used that way of thinking and living to the point where feeling sad felt so much safer than feeling excited and tempted to go out and live, do and feel excited about life.

I got to a point where I had enough, and reaching that point might have come out of many different variables lining up: The medication should be out of my system by now and I am relearning my brain to rely on its own supplies, I took some time off and went to the country and cleansed my liver with herbs, countless saunas, cold showers and relaxing.

I haven’t been able to be as loving as I need to be in order to feel good about myself lately. I haven’t had any energy to give, and not being able to give and share myself happily have done the opposite of nourishing me and my soul. But I think it was necessary for me to cocoon for a while in order to support my body and mind so that I can be capable of sharing and giving love effortlessly and naturally like I know that I can do when I feel aligned and balanced.

The process of going off these pills also made me irritated with the world and the people around me, possibly because my body needed my full attention and with anyone who stepped inside of my space I felt subconsciously threatened or maybe my brain was just overloaded with chemicals and I simply just needed all my energy to calm my mind, who knows?

Either way I came to a point (here we go again) where I had enough and I got the strength to – actually –  slap myself in the face and snap out of my own self-pity. Every time I felt my body and energy going towards 1. Being irritated with a person or a phenomena 2. Feeling sorry for myself and/or helpless 3. Feeling stressed about the future and how I am not where I want to be in this moment I allowed me to slap myself in the face – just hard enough so that it was uncomfortable – so that I would keep myself from sliding down that dark spiral.

I also decided to boost myself a little and signed up for a one week gym class and I went up ridiculously early to lift weights and do burpees before the sun went up – just to kick start my newfound source of life. Last time I remember myself feeling alive like that was when I made sure I always put an alarmclock on for myself – not for anyone else. I realised that I need to start waking up to things I love.

Every time I feel my self esteem sink or my irritation arise I slap myself in the face and say; NO! I know it might sound harsh but it just happens to work for me, and I feel kind of silly doing it so often I giggle a little at myself because if someone would see me I would look as silly as I feel. And we all know that giggling alone is like velvet for the soul.

It felt so good doing good things for myself and holding myself accountable for creating good things with my energy and my life. My inspiration through this transition in life has been Caroline Myss whose words and teachings really hit home with me. If you are interested in understanding your body’s energy systems and exploring the vibrant world in and outside of yourself then you have a great teacher in Caroline Myss. I have just touched the surface of all of her teachings and luckily you can just google/youtube her and get access to so much of it.

Why I need to stop identifying with my wounds!

During the last months of tapering off the “Zoloft” type medication I’ve been on I’ve come to get to know the difference in being depressed and having anxiety. I actually haven’t looked up the definition for either so this is purely based on my own experiences. Recently I have had days of depression filled with panic attacks that has scared me more than any anxiety has ever done. Not that the depression is worse, but it is definitely sneakier. I know now that I have never actually known what “depression” really is and I’ve always just assumed that it was sort of what I used to carry around. But today I’m not so sure. Throughout growing up I experienced dips, often, but it was always contrasted with extreme outbursts of happiness. This, the shit I’ve been thinking, feeling and experiencing is a whole new kettle of fish. I always knew when I was anxious because the feeling was so physical, but being depressed is like “knowing” that there is nothing to live for anymore. But then, once the depression-shadow passes I understand that I was just overtaken by depression and my lack of lust for living was just a waken nightmare. I am lucky to be so aware of the fact that the depression will pass with time, and I am lucky to not act on any scary thoughts I get once I’m in the shade. I can only imagine how hard it must be for someone who is alone or have no tools to use, because everything depression make you feel feels so real and it seems to take over without you noticing when, where and why.

I always say how grateful I am for knowing all different feelings so that I can relate through others through emotions. I always say that I am grateful for feeling like shit because I can appreciate feeling good even more. I always say that feeling like shit has helped me grow, a lot, and for that I am grateful. And I still am grateful for what I’ve been through mentally because it has shaped the person I am today, but I am also ready to move on and leave this world behind. Not this world, but that world. The world in which I need my wounds to survive.

Going off these antidepressants really introduced me to a new world of scary feelings and I don’t remember the last time, if even ever, I’ve felt the need to be so alone with myself. Most days I feel like I just need to be alone, I don’t really feel like meeting up with anyone, and that used to stress me out a little but I know that it is just temporary, whilst dealing with the chemical storm in my brain. I owe it to myself to not push myself too hard and if anyone would call me or think of me as selfish, then so be it. In the meantime make sure I get outside enough, I make sure I look after my body and I make sure I push myself outside of my comfort zone just enough so that I don’t completely vanish inside myself.

Now it has been a month without my “medication” and I know that it is time to come back to life. It is time to start getting up out of bed, for myself, and be excited to interact with the world around me. It is time to be excited to be alive again. I have been in my cocoon for a long time now, and I am ready (and scared) to get my life back.

I read something yesterday (in a book called Anatomy of the Spirit) that reasoned with me a lot and helped me get to this decision of getting my life back. It sort of described to me how I’ve lived my life since.. forever and through seeing it so clearly in front of me I am finally ready to let that go.

My whole life I have used my wounds to connect with people. I’ve never been afraid to mention my eating disorders, my “mental-illnesses”, my diseases, my fears, depression and anxiety as a conversation starter, an ice breaker – an introduction to whom I am. This book that I was reading was questioning why a person feel like every person has to know the pain one has been through as soon as possible and I had to ask myself: why have I always used my wounds to introduce myself? As if my wounds are the most important part of who I am… When did I decide that all the other things I have to offer weren’t who I was? Why my hurt? Why my pain? Why not my love and presence?

I have always lived as if my wounds are who I am, and in a way, they have been. But if I see a beautiful painting or a flower I don’t really care or need to know exactly what paint, type of brushes or what soil has been used to produce them. Yes my wounds are all in my history but just because they were some of what shaped me I need to realise that they aren’t what I am. I am not my wounds and I need to stop using them as my identity or they’ll be unhealed forever.

I am ready to be whole, complete, someone who understand but don’t always have to compare. I am ready to listen. That’s it. Getting off these antidepressants must be the last step for me in order to finally be free from identifying with a wounded person, a wounded soul. I need no more lessons in feeling sorry for myself, I’ve done that enough. I need no more lessons in self-pity and victimization. I am ready to be strong, happy and ready to listen and live life now. I want to be the tree other people can hang onto if they ever get trapped with a storm inside of them. That is who I identify myself with, a helper!

FreeTheGirl turns INSTAGRAMBOOK!

For a long time I have felt this resentment kind of feeling towards my book, Free the Girl – a story about (finding) self-love. It is hard to explain because I really have put so much of my heart and soul into that book and I want to love and be so proud of it but I haven’t figured out quite how yet!? UNTIL NOW, BECAUSE;

I am turning Free The Girl into an Instagram book!! 

This is a fun new project I have been working on and I am so excited to start releasing the chapters this way. I am sure I will change around my way of doing this as I go, but, no matter how; in 30 days you will be able to read the “whole” book on this Instagram account:

@freethegirl_mayakiusalaas .

Go in and follow it to see the book unfold in front of your eyes! 🙂

 

 

“The End , Free the girl as an instagram book:

Over the following 30 days I will upload an Instagram version of Free The Girl, from the last chapter to the first, Star-wars style. Since each chapter can be read individually I picture it to unfold like a rare but beautiful flower here on instagram and at the end of the 30 days the individual posts will become a complete version of the book Free the girl in an Instagram format.

If you know anyone who is currently in search for some self-connection and development invite them to follow this account and come along for the ride.

In this futuristic era we are living in and today we seem to scroll more than we talk to one another, so chances are higher that I’ll come across someone who can benefit from me sharing the mental and physical tools I’ve collected here.

These tools has helped and still are helping me cope with anxiety, depression and guiding me to self-love.

I will also share the people who has inspired me, helped me and brought me information that has helped me shift old truths and beliefs.

This is the sprout of a seed that once was just a thought. I will keep watering and nurse this little by little, day by day until it is ready to take off on its own. Just like the magic of everything that is alive!”

@freethegirl_mayakiusalaas

Free from fear (sort of) and full of hope!

Here we go again!

Today I am turning 27 and I feel so good about that! I have got a lot of optimism for this year. I’m finally done with my 9 years of antidepressants, I am my own friend and I have learnt how to communicate with my body. But still, I’ve just got that last bit to go in order to get these chemicals out of my system, and the turbulence has been real, but this time not so scary because I’ve learnt from the past episodes that everything will pass.

My anger is bubbling up to the surface again, my sadness is making itself known. I am depressed from time to time but I am not scared of my depression. Not anymore, and that is probably the biggest breakthrough I’ve had in a long time. I can allow myself to feel as if I will never feel that I want to do anything ever again until it passes, because it does. I know that this medication is making its way through and out of my body and I am okay with that. I am okay with not wanting to do things other than reed my books and watch my shows and study my online courses that I am doing at the moment. I am okay with not being the centre of other peoples lives and I am okay with exploring my inner world and getting to know myself from the inside and out. In fact, despite small tingles of guilt for not participating in the world out there I am enjoying just being with myself, I know that the world out there will still be there when I am ready to leave my cocoon.

What I am not okay with is how this detachment from this medicine is sometimes taking over my whole being and I am having a hard time not seeing the worst in other people. I feel selfish in the way I act and think about people in those moments and I don’t enjoy not feeling as other people and the world is the reason, the source of my unhappiness. I blame “them” in my head in these moments, believing that it is because of them and the way they act that I cannot feel free and happy within myself. I know that all of this is bullshit, but then – when my body is taken over by this wave of depression that is what I feel and it is real. I am so lucky to have worked so much with myself and learned how to realise when I live in my mind – the problem finding (and solving) tool – so that I can realise that what I am experiencing in the moment isn’t real – even though it is so fucking real. I often have to tell Adrian in the middle of acting as my worst nightmare that I am not myself and I know that what I think is the reason to why I feel the way I feel is just an expression of what is going on inside of me, but in the moment I can do nothing but surrender to the feeling and be ok with it, be aware of it in order to not act upon it.

So this is what has happened.

Last week I took the last dosage of sertraline – an antidepressant I’ve been on for about nine years. I’ve been cutting down slowly slowly slowly since August 2017 to minimise these meltdowns and panick attacks to occur. The past three months has been great. I feel as if I have really got to know myself on a deeper level and I have learnt how to communicate and listen to my body. I have learnt that my body knows more about myself and the world than my brain could ever think up and the more I move my awareness down from my mind into my body I feel calm, centred, connected to something bigger and I feel as if I from there also can see people.

When I used to live all up in my mind I was too absorbed in how things should be and how people should act that I didn’t see the people behind the people that I met in my day. I only saw them when they were doing things or living life the “wrong” way, according to myself. People who live all up in their minds, myself included, tend to expect only perfection of the rest of the people of the planet and if they slip up we snap at them and let them know “whats what”. In order to avoid this many people put on masks and live inauthentic to who they really are. We come up with social rules so that we don’t have to think about how we should act in order for people to accept us – and slowly but surely we forget who we truly are and become a society shaped being who have forgotten how to listen in. We only hear our thoughts and rules. We search for all the answers out there, in the world – as if someone else can tell you what your body is trying to communicate with you. We numb our emotions, feelings, chemical messages with all these drugs, pain killers etc and we have stopped believing that the body actually can communicate with us. We brush that off as mumbo jumbo whilst we wonder why we have acid reflux and shove some pills down that might temporarily soothe the acid reflux for a day. Alternatively we could do it the mumbo jumbo way and ask our bodies what it is trying to communicate through that acid reflux – could it be something we do on a regular basis that might not be of favour for our stomachs? We have completely surrendered our bodies to the modern world and we seem to think that we can put all these chemically and hormone pumped food into it, pump it full of sugar and other inflammation inhibiting substances and then get a shock when we actually feel sick or lethargic.

We step into the roles of victims and think that this state of mind we end up in, or whatever happens to our body happens out of the blue and we take no responsibility for it. Instead we go to the doctors and say “why me?” and the doctors say “poor you, here take this and that for this and that” (not knowing (?) or ignoring (?) the chain reaction of side effects) and we go home with our new prescription and swallow it down with something that will definitely not soothe the acic reflux, but hey, we got a pill that will fix that now…

This is the way I have lived my life up until a few years ago when I actually started to believe in the fact that my body is not just a stupid… body. It is alive and it is essentially natural. I started to ask myself what would happen to any other animal if we started to feed them what we feed ourselves and our children and it is just so obvious that they would get sick and probably live shorter and less happy lives – because it is not what they are “supposed to” eat. Imagine giving your dog or cat ibuprofen or whatever, on a regular basis. That just seems so stupid, yet we do it to ourselves.

I wonder what would happen if you took two identical twins and taught one how to listen and live in a relationship to her body and the other one to live by the truths of today, with no faith in her body and soul and just feed it through the mind and what all the authorities tell us is right. The outcome is so clear to me.

So, I’ve gone off my pills and the after waves are making me question my whole existence from time to time but with every meltdown I learn something new about myself and the world and even though I feel like dying for a couple of hours with each meltdown I am actually not afraid of them anymore. In the times of panic and darkness I always seem to find the questions I need to be asking myself.

Five years with my Adrian <3

The past five years!

Big reflections – five years is a lot of time, sort of. I mean, in five years from now I’ll be almost 32 years old which feels like a really ‘adulty’ age, but then again, I’ve always looked to the future thinking I will mature in a way that I so far never have. I still feel like I have the same childish brain as I had when I was 21-almost-22, five years ago! But, as I look deeper into it, as I reflect upon the past years, I know that I have matured (or whatever I may call it) a lot on so many levels in my life.

The more I hang out with teenage girls I also realise that there is a big gap in… what is important in a teenagers life to mine. What was important to me then – to be someone, to be accepted, to look good, to be at every party, to gossip, avoid being the gossip and figuring out who I want to be in this world – has completely shifted. Today what is important is just simply to do things that bring me joy no matter what the world around me is doing – when I used to try to be in everyone else’s world in the past I now only care about the world I am in. Through not trying to be where I am not I notice that the world around me is growing better, bigger and much more peaceful. Being accepted is still important to me from time to time, but today not by the whole outside world, thank god, and I can feel that I am moving towards a reality where the only person I need to be accepted by is myself.

I’ve realised that I believe in karma within life. We constantly learn lessons in life, and if we don’t adhere to them history will repeat itself. I know myself that I used to live with all sorts of beliefs about life and myself and the world, and just because I saw whatever it was, as a belief; I ‘knew’ that I couldn’t change anything about this belief – I accepted it to be just the way it was. Today when I feel stuck or unhappy in any area of my life, I make sure to raise awareness around that feeling that I don’t enjoy living with and try to see what lessen I need to learn in order to free myself from the karmic repetition of this life phenomena. Sometimes there is a lot of work to be done in an area of life in order to release this belief, but it always work in the end.

<3 and so you came into my life.

These past five years have been full of work, mainly internal. It has been hard. Five years ago I was a mess. I was aware of my mess but didn’t know how to live free from it. I was one with my mess – the mess was me and I was my mess. I was in Australia for the first time and I had been hanging out with Adrian for more than a month – and I couldn’t get enough of him. All I wanted was to spend every second of every day with him. He was ko-ko and so was I, but the ko-ko-ness we brought out of each other was only the good kind, and that is what I loved. We showed each other our weird sides almost as if we were trying to scare each other off – but in doing that we grew closer and closer. You inspired me to find the home inside of myself.

And there we sat on the beach, exactly five years ago not knowing that we had the future we’ve had before us – even though it felt like we knew. We became a couple then, over text (CUTE!), and I felt kind of weird with all the how-this, how-that. My plan had been not to stay in Melbourne but to travel around Australia,  but there wasn’t a chance in forever that I wanted to leave Melbourne then. Not even with “winter” approaching. Those how’s didn’t get to me. Not this time. Not with him. I felt that we had to be together and whatever that would have to be worked out in the future would be. It was the opposite of stressful!

Then I was a 2L a day diet coke drinking, drunken, lost and insecure-yet-secure-in-a-twisted-way girl who thought she knew everything about everything at the same time she thought she knew nothing about anything. Anxiety and self destructiveness was normal, it was just the way I was. But with him, everything changed – ever so slowly. It changed to the better, every day. Some detours of course, but with knowing what I think I know now I’ve come to understand that all detours are in fact necessary. They are those karmic lessons I mentioned, a hint that something needs awareness.

Five years ago I hoped for this relationship to be exactly what it is today. And today I have crazy, fantastic and exciting hopes for the next five years with you (and then obviously for the rest of the forever of the time).

I am so glad I didn’t scare you away with all of my emotions, and I am so glad you tried to scare me away with all your koko-ness, because all of that is why I love you. All of you. And today, five years later also All of me. <3

 

365 days

Life is a strange happening. Full of them. The happenings. Lately I’ve experienced emotions and thoughts that have taken me away from seeing the beauty in these happenings, or sometimes not even seeing them at all. I’ve seen and experienced a complete pointlessness and that is a scary place to be. These have just been in short bursts, often followed by complete fulfilment of life itself and short after I know exactly what is important to me in life. It is like I am a snake shedding skin. In those moments, when I have finally gotten so tired of what is happening in my mind and body and I am left with a willingness to completely surrender, and I have done just that, surrendered. In thinking FUCK IT, let it come, whatever it is, I’ve felt that the surrendering to whatever have unknotted the knot.

I have understood now that calm comes from not resisting anything. I feel something uncomfortable in my body and I whisper yes to it (like the crazy person I am but it actually makes me feel like weights falling off my shoulders and that friction just seize to exist with every little yes and allowing-ness). I don’t go towards something I go with everything. Just these small changes in how I word for myself what I do and how I live actually make me feel physically different when I… live. I fall back and simply follow, go with, surrender, trust and let gravity deal with the rest. It has given me a huge feeling of lightness and ease.

I was invited to do a writing exercise by one of the most inspiring woman, Claudia Whitney; If I had 365 days to live what would I do.

I would sell everything I own and fly my family here from Sweden to live by my side. We would buy a minibus and drive through Australia like we used to do though Europe when I was young, and stop at fun motels, hotels, and caravan parks. We would explore our mind, bodies and Australia at the same time and I would adopt an old pug that could sit on my lap. We would stop on the road and eat fun meals, and pack lunches where we had the utilities to make it ourselves. I would get massages, swim naked (because it  feels so different), smoke a pipe and write great stories about real life and cute people. Stories that could inspire people to appreciate that life is happening here and now, because then I would really live day by day. I would throw away my phone – No I wouldn’t because I love spotify and my hormone apps.

The thing is that this exercise made me realise everything that I really don’t need in life which cleared up a lot about what I do need and what I really do care about. I have been listing to my thought and let them dominate my wants and needs for too long and it is great to understand that the mind thinks that I need everything – new things – all the time, and that I need to do do do, but my body and being need almost nothing to be happy, it only needs to be felt and cared for. My body is saying; be be be.

From Nothing to Everything!

https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

I wrote this article, for www.thiswomancan.org, about my journey from being stuck in a place, in a body, in a mindset full of hate and ungratefulness into a journey of seeing what I have,  finding love for myself and my body and finally everything life throws at me (even though I cant always see it and feel it strait away)

I found myself frustrated again, feeling that life wasn’t treating me right. I felt like I was doing everything “right” but got nothing out of it and I sat with this feeling of failing when I remembered how I, for so many years, never believed that I could love and be loved at the same time – today I do love someone who does love me back. I remembered how I never believed that I could ever eat without guilt and feel love and peace for my own body – today I feel happier than ever to live in my own skin and food is magical to me. I have actually learnt to communicate and feel my body and I can tell what it needs which to me, is completely mind-blowing.

Reed the whole article here: https://www.thiswomancan.org/nothing-to-grateful-experience-everything/

What the hell are panic attacks?

Living has been a challenge lately. Just being in my own mind really. For the first time I am actually getting along with my body which is simply amazing, but now it is my minds turn to play tricks on me. I am obviously aware of the fact that I am a bit crazy. I love to be able to allow my mind to go wherever it sometimes feel curious to go, and quite often my own mind make me laugh. It has a sense of humour that I appreciate. But god, sometimes I want nothing but to disconnect all of my thought trains.

I wonder how many people that get these panic attacks I’ve been getting lately (due to cutting down my antidepressants?) I wonder how people cope? I see myself as a person who has a lot of self-perspective and I can often distance myself from… myself really. I am used to feel a lot and separate myself from my feelings and be the observer of what is going on inside of me. Lately I’ve found it extremely hard. Lately it has been like someone is standing with a vacuum cleaner and sucking my whole being into it. After I am rushing around as a vacuum cleaner just sucking the joy out of everything that is coming my way. No fucking mercy at all, everything that matters to me and the people around me it sucks up and down the black hole. It doesn’t separate good from bad – because it is a machine with no emotions or awareness.

I actually don’t know what a panic attack really is, but if what I am getting isn’t a panic attack then I don’t know what is. I literally feel as if I cannot move, cannot be still, cannot love, cannot function at all. All I want is for someone to wrap me in those white tops and thigh my hands around myself put me in a car and drive off to neverland. All I want is that tranquilizer gun from Old school (“most powerful tranquilizer on the market”) – someone, something, anything please just put me to sleep!

All metaphors aside, I have to admit that I am so scared when they happen. So scared. All my self-control is gone out the window in those moments. All that is good about, with and from me is nonexistent. Sucked into vacuum space. All my dreams mean nothing, thinking about the future seems completely pointless. And maybe that’s what this vacuum is trying to tell me – that there will be no future if I cannot learn how to live and be happy in the moment. That here and now the future actually means nothing unless this moment at least is worth as much – because this moment is what is going on forever until it is the future from where I am standing now.

I have been focusing so much on where I want to go that I forgot how to enjoy all the small things along the way. I have turned the journey itself into an obstacle my body is trying to break down and overcome – when the journey isn’t anything I should try to overcome. Rather I should try to get into it. My mind is breaking down because the journey is all I’ve got and in one-way or another that needs to be clear to me. Well, I’ve got it now.

I know my tools but then, in the joy-sucking-tornado I don’t know how to use them. I follow my breath, remind myself that we have been though this before and even though it feels like this is going to last forever it wont. I know my tools but then and there I don’t believe in anything other than the pain I’m feeling inside from simply just being me in this world.

So what is triggering them? How can I avoid them? (please if anyone know anything about this I am gladly taking advice, no advice are stupid, send them over!)

I have got a feeling that they come every time I cut down one more day of my pills which happens every second or third week. I always slow down the cutting down process after an episode. I also notice that when someone is trying to reason with me then it seems to fuel the force of the vacuum and instead of helping it is making it worse – turbo mode worse. I cannot listen to anything that isn’t telling me that what I am doing, feeling or being is ok. If someone would tell me otherwise the turbo power kicks in and I feel like I am capable of swallowing the whole universe. I fall and it is scary.

It makes me think about how I would act towards a person in emotional panic pain such as myself. If I was a person who witnessed myself I would start with a firm and long hug and I would tell myself to let it all out, that it is ok and that I can scream and cry and laugh into my arms for as long as I need to. That I am not going anywhere and that the pain is okay. I would encourage everything that feels like it need to come out. Then I would put on some tea, maybe a movie in the background, grab a note pad or a computer to write my heart out, or even a deck of cards to play with. Get some blankets and everything cosy and make a dream out of the place I’m in, wherever that may be. I would tell myself that we can sit here and just be, cry and laugh together for as long as we need to, for as long as it feels hard to leave. I would tell myself that we can be here for a whole week, it doesn’t matter. Because then and there I’ve noticed that trying to escape from the tough feelings only make them worse – it gives them the power, the turbo engine. It is literally like running on quick sand. The only thing that helps is to create a moment of stillness where time doesn’t exist and where everything is allowed except holding back and resist.

Scary times but today I woke up actually wanting to get up. I wanted to do things. I had shit to write, weird movies to make, tea to drink, saunas to sweat in, a house to find and eventually make a home out of. I woke up this morning looking forward to finding a new place to live and make it a place I want to live. Reminded by a thought of my mum and how she, wherever we went turned a place homely – even if it was just for one day she brought ropes, tied them up and hung up sarongs, put up candles and rocks she’d found and collected along the way. She even turned our holiday car into a place where we could live one summer. Inspired by her I am now itching to create a good standing ground and bring it with me wherever I go.

It is interesting how shit work out, because I doubt that I would feel this motivated to move, and get organised, make shit happen and dive into projects if it wasn’t for that rock bottom I was rolling around on a few days back. Should I be grateful? I think so, well I have to be, even though it hurt like absolute hell at the time it seems to have powered me up and brough me closer to home; within in spirit but also in the physical world. So thank you you devilish vacuum, I guess, but please stay the hell away from me for a while.

The Butterfly Foundation

In my search for things to do with and in my life, that will make me feel as if I am doing something that is spreading good, love and happiness in this world I came across The Butterfly Foundation. It is an eating disorder organization and they work with boys and girls who are and have lived through an eating disorder. They also work with basically anyone who need support in this area such as families, care takers, partners etc. I love how this organization work, through sharing stories with purpose and through the stories generate hope and community.

Through attending The Butterfly Foundations story telling workshop I learned a lot about myself and others, and I learned that there are so many genuinely nice and caring people out in this world who are spending all their lives trying to help others go through what they’ve been through themselves.

This experience left me truly inspired and hopeful to find a path for myself as I now know that such places exist! Last but not least, it left me with a feeling of excitement that this is also what the world can be like; a world where we simply care for others and do our job to help where help is needed. It is such a beautiful thing to be in a room with people who genuinely just care about others. <3

Here is a link to my story:

https://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/understand-eating-disorders/share-your-story/stories/view/57 

Can a life without booze be exciting?

Here is a link to a blogpost I wrote for the Hellosundaymorning community! For you who haven´t heard about it it is similar to Facebook and Linkedin but for people who are becoming aware of their relationship to alcohol. This is such a good meeting-place for those who are struggling with addiction or simply want to change their priorities in life!

Have a read here:

https://www.hellosundaymorning.org/2017/12/04/finding-self-love/

Always  love, Maya

This is a blog about my failures in life. And what I’ve learnt from them.