Some people seem to do things so easily. Without thinking. Without overthinking. They don’t stress over lack of sleep, over working out, over everything they put in their mouth. And they still seem pretty happy and healthy to me. I tend to overthink a lot. I’ve never liked being tired. At least not outside the comfort of my own home. I dislike being out, at someone’s house, away and feeling tired without being able to go to bed. I don’t like to not being in control of when I can go to bed. I think that when I get tired, I get grumpy- like a baby, and if I’m not near my bed and know that I can leave and go to sleep whenever I want I feel really stressed. When I was a child I used to get super angry when we were away and I started to get tired. We blamed my allergy pills and my asthma medicine (that apparently could make you a bit agitated). But seeing how this temper, and this behaviour has followed me up till age 25, I doubt that it had much to do with my medicine.
The other day we went over for dinner to Adrian’s sisters house. Amazing dinner, and really fun company. I came straight from work and knew I had to be up early to go to work the next day, but I didn’t think much of it. Until the time hit 8pm and dessert was served. I started to glance at my watch. Thinking that I wanted to get up at 5am to do a mini-workout before work the day after. I had to be in bed by 9pm if I wanted to have enough sleep. I don’t like being tired at work. I can’t be tired at work. Should I skip my workout? No, it makes me feel to good to skip.
When the dessert was cleaned up and I thought I’d probably make it into bed in time…. We were playing a card game. And I actually felt a little panic growing in my chest. I can’t believe how emotional I get when it comes to my sleep, and lack of control to get to sleep. I did play one round, happily because I don’t like to be that person, and the game was actually fun. But when they started to prep for the second round I froze. I felt helpless. Scared. Angry. Upset. Embarrassed. Tired. I actually started to behave like I did when I was 7 years old. Mind you, it was like 9.30pm on a Sunday. It’s not crazy. But because of me overthinking everything I felt genuinely upset. I was thinking of the choice of happiness, and how this, how I feel now, is all up to me.
I knew I was being ridiculous but that time I chose to go with my inner baby. I needed my sleep. Adrian’s mum saw how stressed I was (I didn’t particularly hide it) and when they started to deal the third round at 9.50pm they called it a night. Because of me. I am embarrassed to say that I cried a little in the car. I felt really sorry for myself. (I was in bed by 10.40pm)
It’s THAT important to me, and I don’t know if I should do something about it? I’m 25 years old and I panic because I need to go to bed before 10. Should I just accept that when it comes to sleep, workouts and work I really prefer it my way? Should I stop overthinking? Am I a little autistic or have a dash of Asperger’s? When my routines get messed up I can feel helpless. I panic. That’s one of the reasons that I don’t appreciate shift-work. I get super stressed by not having a set schedule. But I’m working on that.
God, this is probably not the most interesting post to read, but I had to write it for myself. I can’t get smart on this. I feel like no one else care about this as much as I do. At least I learned one big thing to make my life easier and happier; when I know I want to get up early the day after going somewhere; make sure we have a separate car so that I can force Adrian to drive me home early. Or get a drivers license.
(I should probably mention that I have a teeny tiny splash of PMS at the moment as well…)