killing the doubt

I’m really into motivational speakers at the moment. I tension my stomach when I listen to them. You know, like they are talking to me personally, and if I switch my core on, it will all sort of get in to my body. My system. I feel quite silly when I do it, but I also feel like I’m learning a lot. Recently I got this idea I’m pursuing, like probably my first real smart idea. Or second. (no! that’s talking myself down, I have hade many, many good ideas, but this is the best). I can’t tell you what it is yet, and it’s irrelevant at the moment. The point is that I’ve had many good ideas that have sort of sailed through my head, but this one I won’t just let sail passed. I’m jumping up on the ship, taking control of the steering wheel. Cheesy metaphor, but I like it.

I’ve never thought that I could do this kind of stuff, so I have never gone with it. The ideas.  Same with this blog. I’ve always wanted to have a blog, just so that I can get some of the shit going on in my head out there, release some of it. But I’ve always doubted myself. Doubt has controlled my life. But I recently learned to listen to the other “what if”. The What if I succeed. What if this is me creating something amazing. That “what if” has now grown stronger than the doubting one. I have to actively kill some doubt every day. But every time I get rid of that doubting shit, my “I fucking know I can make it” grow stronger. I have to swear because it feels more real then.  Last week when I was alone with Abbey the dog, I told her out loud “I’m a genius” and I am. We all are. When we can master the doubt that is chasing our dreams, we are all geniuses.

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