It’s always easy to loose yourself when you change your life. Especially when you have an extreme personality like me, prone to addiction of all sorts. I get obsessed with things very easily. Before my life actually became happy and before I finally got some piece of mind I went through a few stages.
Stage one was driven by an urge to have a healthy looking body. I did not care about the inside, only the look on the outside. Because I did not love myself at that time I did not care about how I actually felt. I wanted to feel happy of course, but you don’t like to take care and nurse someone you have no love for.
I worked out hard every single day, ate no shit food. Nothing changed with my body. I felt like I fought so hard and got nothing back. Mind you, this wasn’t just a two-month period; we are talking maybe two to three years. It made me mad. I worked so hard that I felt like I deserved the perfect body (whatever that is?) but I got nothing back.
Sometimes the frustration got to big and I went back to starving myself again. Stage two. I was extreme. No carbs, no crap, work out harder and harder, and I lost weight, but had no energy, no life. So I started eating again. Drinking on the weekends. I gained weight.
Stage three. I wanted to find something wrong with me. Bad metabolism, lack of vitamin B, a hidden twin on my back? Just something to blame it on, I cried for someone to tell me something I could remove from or add to my life that would make my body change. I did not look inside.
I had all the knowledge, that’s what I thought. No one knew more about diets and food than I did. Telling me otherwise really pissed me off. So my boyfriend did. He told me I had absolutely no idea what I was doing and I wanted to smack him in the face. The thing was that I was so obsessed with food that my obsession was blindsiding me. Me becoming healthy and loving my body wasn’t me going on an even more extreme diet or starting to work out two times a day, it was the opposite.
Stage four. I stopped drinking every weekend. It did not line up with where I wanted to be in life. I wanted health, happiness and energy for days. Staying up all night getting drunk wasn’t going to take me there. Over time I could see my body changing. I got to know my body and figured out what I need and what I want. If food is fuel, what would I eat? Slowly I figured out how much I needed, how much my body needed, and how much my brain needed. And without extremes I sustainably got to where I wanted to be. Slowly. Simple is the best way. I now eat what I know my body needs, I don’t try to feed it nothing, and I have two to three meals a week when I can eat whatever my brain wants. My relationship with food is now fantastic, and my relationship with myself is even better. I’ll never think that I know it all, there are always new things to learn, I just have to be open to it. An open mind changed my life. For me, listening to Adrian, and re-learning everything I thought that I knew, stop trying to blame external reasons to why I wasn’t where I wanted to be helped me to finally, after over ten years of struggles and self hate, love myself, and love the skin I’m in.