Suicidal nightmares and self-doubt

Usually, when things are hard and I meet an obstacle or two; I surrender. It happens even in my dreams. In nightmares I usually commit suicide instead of fighting whatever is haunting me. I often laugh about it, but I also wonder what that means? In school competitions and other silly games I go for it hard, or if I see that there is hard competition I deliberately try to loose, looking as laid back as possible, so that “they” will know that I didn’t take it serious. Although if I hadn’t taken it serious I would just have fun and don’t care about who win and who looses. Why is it that I tend to give up when I meet competition?

 This goes beyond competitions. I always second question myself. I always need someone to confirm my opinion, or what I think about something. It comes down to some kind of indecisive-ness and lack of self-belief. Don’t I trust myself?

And if not, why?

 The first step of all improvements is to acknowledge that they are there. I obviously have some shit I need to sort out. “normal” people don’t commit suicide in nightmares, to take the easy way out? And if someone ask me to choose between restaurants, I don’t want to decide because I don’t want the other person to, maybe, get disappointed with what I choose.

I’m deciding to deal with this, and stop second questioning myself. From now on I will stick to my decision and trust that my opinion is as good as yours. I cant live a life where others have to make decisions for me. I want to grow, and I want to trust my self. After all, if I don’t, who will?

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