I think that I send out quite confident vibes. I’m pretty easy to talk to, I’m interested so I ask a lot of questions and I’m open about my insecurities. But sometimes, in new situations or with certain people I feel quite insecure. My insecurity shows up as the total opposite. The more insecure I feel the more I talk. I talk about the most random things; anything that comes to mind. It is like insecurity destroys my filter. I can get rude, swear and say anything to minimize any kind of tension. I am shit-scared of silence and be quiet around people. I don’t know why? Maybe I’m scared of people thinking I’m boring, like if silence and boring were the same thing.
In clubs and loud places it’s the worst. Because you sort of have to be quiet with one another since there is no room for you to keep up a conversation. But I feel as if I have to converse even in the loudest of situation. Often with my mouth full of food. I need to scream something inappropriate. Just to show that I’m not a bore. Or I over think and think that the people I’m with think that I don’t want to talk so I have to say something, anything, just to show them that I’m open to a chat.
So naturally, my next awareness-challenge is to live in silence. I don’t mean those silence retreats where I don’t talk for days. I’m just going to be aware of those situations where I just say stupid shit to break the silence. And be confident even when it is quiet. Be calm and confident that I can just be without always acting.