Who I Am.
I’m orange. Mostly the palms of my hands and souls of my feet. It doesn’t bother me but the doctor said I should chill out on the carrots. I’m also from sweden, 26, and live in Melbourne. This is a blog about my failures in life. And what I’ve learnt from them.
I’ve cut down to two carrots a day. Mostly because my boyfriend says that no one will take an orange person serious and that he doesn’t want people to think that I’m stupid. Sometimes I have more than two though. Sorry Adrian.
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Money and old habits
Yesterday, my intention was to try and figure out how my parents have affected the way I think and behave today. But then I got so excited about describing my dad with words that I got lost. I can talk about that silent man, that introvert carriage riding spirit, forever. But recently I’ve started to understand that our unconscious carry a lot of blocks, “knowledge” and habits passed on from our parents. It’s interesting when you just ask the questions: how did your parents view money, health, the aim in life, how they deal with anger, sadness, depression. We’ve inherit so much more than just the obvious behaviours. Maybe we haven’t just inherited, it can affect us in other ways. Block our energy, make us feel guilt, shame or happiness when we do, feel or experience certain things because of how our parents have acted around those subjects.
For me, I’ve recently been investigating how my parents thoughts and behaviour with and around money have affected me. We have never had a lot of money, but we have never not had enough either. My parents have both worked full-time jobs, that they haven’t necessarily felt super passionate about, but they rarely complain about having to go to work. It’s just something you do, without contemplating it, because you have to pay the bills. Neither of them care about material things, nice brands, show off cars or anything luxurious. I’ve got a feeling that they either think that you have love, time for your family and friends or financial freedom (with outlier situations). My dad “gave up” his lawyer job so that he could spend time with the family. Because of how the way they didn’t value good brands or material things, I’ve created a feeling of guilt for wanting certain things. Sometimes I might want something, for them unnecessary’ but instead of feeling happy when I finally talked my way into getting it; I always felt guilty because I knew that my parents would be happier if I didn’t want whatever I wanted. I remember vividly how bad I wanted a tamagotchi. My parent’s told me that it’s just commercial shit (without using the word shit), and that I shouldn’t fall for the advertising. But everyone had one. So I made my own in paper. And I played with it. My mum thought that that was so cute, and for my next birthday; which wasn’t too far away, I got my real tamagotchi. I remember acting happy. But I felt so guilty for having made them go against what they believed was right. I obviously didn’t understand why I felt guilty then, but thinking about it now make me realise that that’s why.
These thought patterns about having to work at a job you might not love in order to pay the bills has followed me all throughout my life. Working so that I can be “free” on weekends and holidays. That is when I truly live. Just acknowledging how and why I believe certain things and bringing it back to how my parents acted around those things make me realise that I can actually do my own thing. I don’t have to adopt their thoughts and ways. Not all of them. There are a lot of things I want to duplicate as well. Like the way they talk to children; like they matter and understand everything, the way they always believed that children can teach adults a lot, their unconditional love and interest in their children, and how they always, in every situation put us first. I want my dads patience. He helped me study, sat down with me for hours from the day I sat my foot in school to the day I twelve years later jumped out of my high school for the last time. But when I sometimes feel guilt, or that my energies are blocked somewhere, I go back and ask what my parents thought about that and see if I’ve unconsciously duplicated a behaviour or thought-pattern that actually isn’t align with the life I want to live.
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