The change from inside


I don’t know how many times people have told me, begged me, to understand that I don’t need to work out hard every day. That in fact, working out hard without letting your muscles relax is tearing your muscles down, rather than strengthening them and building them up. Probably every person I’ve talked to ever about nutrition has told me not to be afraid of carbs. The good kind. Not sugar, wheat and gluten obviously.

If I had made a nutrition and workout program for someone else I wouldn’t have made anyone live like how I’ve been living the past ten years of my life. My lifestyle has gone from one extreme to another, and even though I’m well informed about what a balanced life would look like I have never followed my own advice. I’ve been hard on myself. Not giving myself any rest. I have been worth nothing if I didn’t follow my strict rules. The funny thing is that none of my rules or extreme ways of living and taking care of myself has taken me to where I want to be, neither physically nor mentally.

Rules apply to everyone but me

What I’ve learnt from this is that how much you want to change other people or yourself you cannot do it simply by telling them what’s right or wrong. I’ve known my whole life what’s good and what’s bad. But when it comes to me, I for some reason think that the rules don’t apply. People shouldn’t lift weights and train the same muscles every day without rest. But I have to because otherwise…. I don’t love myself? People really benefit from eating those good carbs, like the once in beans, vegetables and fruit. But if I eat them I’ll blow up. Rules apply to everyone but me. How can people misguide themselves so much? That to me is a mystery.

It’s also frustrating to try to defend your way of living when deep down you know you wouldn’t recommend someone else to do what you do. Adrian always asks me if I’ve worked out today, and I always say “No, only reformer Pilates” or “No, I just went for a 10km run” or “No, I just did some weight lifting at home”. This used to drive him insane. But it’s like, if I know I should let my body rest, then if I pretend that my workouts are just fluffy I don’t have to count them as a work out. And then I can justify, in my head, to work out the next day too. So that I can love myself every day. So that my brain ghosts can shut up every day. So that my mind can be calm every day.

Don’t get me wrong here. I believe that everybody should move. Every day. The more the better. But moving and being active isn’t the same as having to go up 4.45 am to lift some weights and do some jump squats just so that one can survive the day without feeling guilty, gross useless or totally lost.

I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now

What I’ve learnt from this is that all changes comes from inside. This is something I have been through, and probably had to go through in order to find my balance. I don’t want to blow my own horn to early, but I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now. It’s been a week of no crazy workouts every day. Only walks and one, fucking crazy, boxing session (witch I love for other reasons than to shape-my-body-reasons). I’ve understood that a plant-based diet is what all body’s benefit from and I haven’t been counting any carbs in my meals. I’ve just been eating raw colorful food that I know will make my body and gut laugh with excitement.

Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do

I sometimes hear a vague voice telling me that I’ll go fat and sluggish and that I need to burn calories or I’ll get no love. But then I calmly tell that silly self-destructive voice that that simply cannot happen if I eat clean raw food and move. Do what I love. Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do.

I’ve learnt to not satisfy negative brain thoughts, but elevating happy, positive and calm thoughts. If my brain tells me that I have to go for a run or I’ll get fat and unhappy, I shouldn’t listen. But if my legs feel like running and my brain want’s to follow, I’ll run.

Buried with guilt

maya saci

For people who have high expectations on themselves, and who live with the belief that other people expect a lot from them, guilt can be a very present feeling. I, myself, experience feelings of guilt on a daily basis. It’s not as bad as it used to be. I think I was born feeling guilty. When I used to unload the dishwasher I could feel so guilty for the glasses I didn’t use as much as the other ones. I apologised to them and tried to make sure that the unused ones ended up in the front of the cabinet. I couldn’t and still cannot bear to lie to people. That guilt can bury me alive.

What can you do with those shitty feelings of guilt? They don’t do any good. No one benefits from them, because they don’t change anything. Guilt is usually about what has happened, therefore feelings of guilt is about the past. The past you cannot change. I suppose guilt can be present in the now, and you can also feel guilty about something that is about to happen, but the emotion is not changing the reality. It’s useless.

I usually feel guilty about the past. About shit I have no control over today. It ties up with forgiveness I believe. If I can forgive myself for things I’ve done in the past the guilt should disappear. I have to forgive myself for not living up to all my own and others expectations. It’s ok. Life happens. If I constantly live my life with guilt, I’m not living in the moment, in the now, and that’s not a life I want to live.

Forgiveness is something I need to work on. I need to understand that things people do has nothing to do with me, even if it can feel quite personal sometimes. I have to forgive myself for not being perfect. I have to celebrate the fact that I’m not perfect. Because that would be boring as fuck. If I can celebrate me not being perfect, then I can understand that other people aren’t perfect, and then we can celebrate together. We can be free together. Love together.

Peace of mind


When you have nowhere you have to be, but here. And nothing you have to do, but what you are doing right now. When you can be at ease with what is happening. When nothing happens to you, but for you. When you are not constantly the centre of your focus. I’ve found that my search for happiness and the perfect me have made me very self cantered. It’s me me me. What makes me happy, what makes me tired, what makes me sad, what do I want to do. And of course, those are important questions, but not to the point where they are in focus 100% of your awaken time. The world doesn’t circle around me, and life is not ever happy when you are constantly turned inside. Happiness is when you are in sync with what is happening around you, and you have a peace of mind in every situation.

When I constantly think about what others will think of me, how other people see me, if they approve of me, I bring everything back to me. Me me me. And it’s not all about me. That’s a paranoid way of living. It can drive anyone crazy. What if I instead, turned my focus on meeting others, connecting, without expecting anything from them, and without needing anything from them? Just connecting. Weather the connection is pleasant or unpleasant doesn’t matter, it all teaches you something about yourself and others. And I can meet every person with a peace of mind. What if I could live in this world and just be at ease with myself and my brain, what could I achieve? If I didn’t plan my whole life in advance. So that the world had to fit into my plan. Me me me. What if I just did, without planning. And with peace of mind.

Peace of mind is when you do whatever you do, without constantly thinking what is next. What would life be like if you never had to be anywhere but where you are? And where you are isn’t all about you, it’s about everyone…

I lost myself in my search for happiness


Along the way of finding a fun, happy and healthy life I lost my fun. I lost my need for a social life. I created a million rules in my head. And if I didn’t follow them I felt lost, scared and lonely. I became my rules. Living by my rules made me feel safe. But is safe the same as happy? See, this is my problem in life. When something makes me happy I go to the extreme, and when something gets to that extreme place, the happiness turns into a obsession. My brain think that if I don’t do this/get this all the time I won’t be happy.

If someone told me I couldn’t work out one day I would feel like my whole world had collapsed. I would’ve lost ground. Fallen deep into a feeling of not knowing who I am. One day. That’s not living and being healthy. That’s just rules and musts.

I didn’t want to do anything with people at night because that might ruin the following day. I might get tired. I might not feel like working out. I might lose myself. So without me realizing it I have prioritized my rules over my social life. It didn’t matter if I didn’t see anyone but Adrian during the week as long as I followed my own rules. Then I felt safe. Relaxed. Happy? Lonely?

I have to be careful of not losing myself again

In this search for happiness I lost myself along the way. I lost my fun. I could only relax if I had done everything right by my book. By my watch. I wasn’t present in conversations because my brain was too busy thinking about how I could plan the rest of my day to avoid breaking any rules. I lost Maya. She was drowning in do’s and don’ts. Somewhere on my nine extra day’s Adrian bought me in Stockholm I did find myself again. Like someone had clicked their fingers, and I woke up from under a spell. I’m scared I wouldn’t have experienced this awakening if Adrian wouldn’t have gifted me those extra days in Stockholm, and for that I’m truly deeply really grateful. And now, going back to work, and what could be the return to my old routines I have to be careful of not losing myself again. I have to be aware of my thoughts and fuck the obsessive ones off. Forever discipline has been my safe place. I never wanted to make myself or anyone around me disappointed. Discipline has also been the one thing holding me back. Suffocating me. I’m ready to let go of my obsessions and take my life back. Value myself. I’m not my rules, and I’m not my body. I just am.

I left the perfect body in Sweden


Last time I was on this flight, then towards Stockholm I was secretly doing squats on the toilet. I thought about how I could burn calories. constantly. How could I deserve my food? Avoid the plane food, but still eat it. What would people think of my body? “Do I look fat now” my brain asks me more than one hundred times per day. Every time I see a glance of myself in a mirror. Every time I add a layer to my outfit. It is crazy what a body obsession I have. Today I realise something new. Or something that I’ve always known, but now actually understand and feel.

I understand that living my life constantly chasing the perfect body is not the life I want to live. You might think that it’s just a thought that pop up in my head, and once that is changed I’m free. But when you’ve lived with an eating disorder for so long, or even a body/food obsession and weird body image it’s not just a thought. It’s my whole life. Everything I’ve done has been to take myself closer to my perfect body. The one that does not exist, by the way. Not unless you choose to accept the one that you actually have got. The one that is perfect if you choose to see its perfection. Not compare it with others.

I will relax and enjoy every moment from now on. Not let my obsession control my life. To obsess never works anyway.  Because the less I want to eat the more obsessed with food I get and the more I eat. The guiltier I feel. The more I think. The more it controls me. Everything I do. It isolates me. It is lonely. I’m so up in my own head and in my own thoughts and obsessions that I can’t focus on other people.

I have forgotten what it feels like to live with my senses, not my brain and constant thoughts

That’s fucked. But now, sitting on the plane back I crave something else. I crave the balance. The healthy balance in actually listening to my body. I’ve thought about it many times. I thought that I’ve been listening to my body, but my brain has always screamed louder. My brain has been screaming in my head for so long that my body has forgotten how to be heard. And my brain has definitely forgotten how to listen and give room for others. I have forgotten what it feels like to live with my senses, not my brain and constant thoughts. Constant planning. I’ve forgotten.

No, I left that chase somewhere in Sweden.

But I can feel something now. It’s a new feeling. I can feel how I left something in Stockholm. Something stressful and obsessive. I left is somewhere there. I feel a new calm in my body. And a new faith in myself. I will allow myself to be awake for as long as I want, I do not need to be up and lift weights early every damn morning. When I walk, run, eat, drink, sleep, plan I will do what I do because that’s what is happening now, not because I try to chase that body.  No, I left that chase somewhere in Sweden.

Now, going back to my second home, Melbourne, I feel relaxed. In a new way. In a hopeful way. No squats on the toilet, because it’s not all about that.

45 day challenge to be free


In my 45 day challenge of breaking obsessive behaviour I need to put up some rules so that I cannot get tricked by my brain. Although these rules might sound obsessive them selves I need them in order to not obsess about my body, food and workouts. Every time my brain try to force me to work out before I eat to deserve the food, or in order to not get fat from the food I need to fight those thoughts and do the opposite of what my brain is telling me to do. I need to relax. My body need food without workouts. I know that. But in practise I believe that my body for some reason will blow up like a blowfish if I eat and not work out. But now I’m sick of having to do stuff in order to find peace. I’m sick of not being able to relax. I’m sick of never being good enough for my brain. So I’m starting to change some bad habits. Now.

For 45 days (and probably for the rest of my life) I will :

Work out only to support my body, not to shut my brain up. If so happens that I can’t or should not work out one day that’s ok.

Do the workouts that will support my body and mind most, not just focus on what will burn most calories.

More specific; do max 2 weights session per week. Focus more on yoga, Pilates, running and boxing.

Have 2 days off training each week. (Probably my hardest commitment)

I’ve deleted all Instagram accounts that focus on weight loss and that could make me compare myself to others. I do like motivation and inspiration but I used to follow 50% weight loss accounts and other body shaping pages, and I don’t think that being bombarded by those pages is benefiting my brain at the moment. I only want to focus on internal health and internal happiness. For these 45 days, I will stop and reject all comparing, vain thoughts that are implying that I need to change how I look in order to be happier.

Eat only one portion each meal, slowly, sitting down. No stand up snacking. Why this? Every time I eat I get obsessed. It’s like I’m Gollum and the food is the ring. Nothing else around me matters. I can’t stop. To distract myself I’ll bring a notepad with me so that I can switch focus from food to notes or drawing once I’ve eaten what I’m suppose to eat. When I’m full.

I’m confident that this is how I will find balance in my life. I know that I will. You know when you can just feel that something is right. I feel this. No more obsessions. Life is living. Not obsessing.

The process of breaking free


So I’m in a phase of breaking bad habits. Basically breaking all habits that it restricting me from living. Breaking obsessive behaviour treats I let control me. Creating my 45 day challenge I’ve come to understand how many small obsessions I have welcomed in my life, and how they do restrict me in different ways. Right now I’m acknowledging them. Writing them down in order to break them. To break free.

My life is controlled by my emotions, and my emotions depend on if I’ve done certain things the “right” way. My life is controlled by routines, and as much as I love routines I’ve come to the conclusion that they do suffocate me. A lot. Basically I’ve found that I get endorphins from training so I’ve noticed that days when I work out I feel cam in a different way than days I don’t work out. This chase of feeling as good as possible has made me want to work out every day. After a while I couldn’t feel good and happy with myself if I hadn’t completed a hard workout in the morning. Even if I knew that my body needed rest I still had to push it. To be happy. To allow myself to love myself. I had to lift heavy weights and use big muscles to “deserve” food. And I got hungry. Obviously. But I then punished myself for eating a lot, because in my head I didn’t want to grow muscles I just wanted to deserve to eat and love myself. Now I’ve come to this point where I’ve actually gained 5kg of muscles that I vainly don’t really want. So where am I going with this?

I deserve better than this from myself.

If my goals in life was to build muscles and be a body sculpture I would probably be on the right track, but I don’t so much care about that. I’m just after a life where I’m as happy and healthy as I can be. I’m after a life where I can be flexible and don’t have to do anything when I wake up. That doesn’t mean that I won’t do things, it’s just that I want to do what I do for different reasons. I don’t just want to work out hard so that I can deserve to eat. I want to work out to keep my body functional and healthy. Not every day. Not to love me more. Not to get the perfect body. The body that doesn’t exist. Not because I’ve compared myself to someone else that I think has a more beautiful body than I have and I want to work out in order to look less like me and more like that person. No, it’s enough of that. Enough of those obsessions. I deserve better than this from myself.

It’s so funny to think what I do over and over again. With everything. Anything that make me happy I crave until it ruins me. I’ve done it with alcohol, food, no food, caffeine, workout, sleep, time. It’s a typical addictive personality treat. To over-do things. To not appreciate the things that you love in moderation. To just crave more and more until it takes over. Controls you. Controls your life.

I will not be insane for the rest of my life


This month in Sweden has taught me a lot about myself. I’ve come to understand exactly how controlling I actually am. Where my focus is. I’ve realised that I work out for the wrong reasons. That I eat for the wrong reasons. I’ve realised that I’m not my body. But to change this, and to start working out for the right reasons, and eat for the right reasons I have to fully commit. Commit to do things that will support me and my body. Some might say that any type of exercise and healthy eating will do just that. Support the body. But when you aren’t capable of loving your body if you don’t follow the rules that you’ve created and if you can only love your body if you’ve had a big workout; something must change.

At the moment I work out so that my brain can relax. I’ve done what it has told me, my brain, in order for it to love my body. Still, my brain doesn’t always love my body if I’ve worked out. I work out so that I can deserve food. If I don’t work out I cannot enjoy food. My brain doesn’t let me. But still, even if I have had the biggest workout I can still feel bad after eating a lot. So what’s the point?

“insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”

This is how I understand that the solution to self love, self acceptance and self fulfilment is not to work out more and eat healthier. I’ve tried that. For over 4 years. It’s like Einstein said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I keep thinking that if I just work out a little harder or eat a little healthier “POFF” I will find the love for my body. I will stop judging it. How insane is that to think? It’s like I could laugh at myself. How can I be so naïve and trust my brain still, after all craziness it has put me through? After all self harm it has caused? My brain is a bully, and I just do what it tells me to do. I’m under a spell.

This is probably the most revolutionary realization for me. I truly believe that in fighting this I can set myself free. I truly believe this. And this is the first time my solution to finding self love hasn’t been trying a new diet and adding in a new workout.

I will not be insane for the rest of my life. I will be free.

So what will I do? I still believe that you have to have a clean diet and move in order to be the happiest version of you. But as it is now I go up at 5am in the morning many days just to lift weights and do burpees in the dark back room in Melbourne just so that I can eat with a good conscious. That’s a red flag. I don’t do yoga regularly because my brain tells me that is not enough workout for me to burn fat and deserve food. Red flag! I need yoga to shut my brain up. And if anything, it is so beneficial for my body. Bringing blood flow to all dusty, rusty corners of my body. I’ll create a 45 day challenge of not listening to my brain, and only doing what’s actually best for my body. Not listening to when my brain tells me that I haven’t done enough. Not listening to when it tells me I’ll blow up like a blow fish (because I wont, i know that). I will not listening to my brain when it tells me that I can’t eat any carbs because I haven’t been out for a long distance run.  As soon as I’m done creating my 45 day challenge I’ll share it with you. I will not be insane for the rest of my life. I will be free.

I will never love my body


Writing yesterday’s post I got an epiphany. It struck me. 10 years has gone and my body has gone through all weights and shapes. From anorexic to porky and every shape in between. I have always been unhappy with it. I have always obsessed with what I eat. I have always felt guilty after I’ve eaten. I will never be happy with my body. Epiphany.

I will never be happy with my body. Epiphany.

It doesn’t matter how hard I train and how strict my diet is. I will never settle. I have to change the way I think and act around my body and food. I will not start loving my body through training or dieting. That’s not where the love is to be found. It has to come from habits. Happy thought patterns. Pure love. Not just love if I do something to deserve it.

So what the fuck should I do about it then? I actually accept my body now, but there is a lot of work to be done before I can relax in it. There is still guilt when I eat shit. Days when I feel bigger than others and I can’t be the person I want to be. I get agitated. I’m controlled by how I feel in my body. If I’m controlled with how I feel in my body, and I just realized that I’ll never be happy with it, how can I be free and happy ever then?

Something has to change. Starting to tell myself “I’m not my body” and really try to understand that I’m actually just inside my body has helped me realize that no one really cares if I look bigger or smaller. They don’t see it. They care about how I make them feel and what I say. Thinking like this, and actually understand it, has some what helped me. But  I need to repeat it a couple of times per day. I’m not my body. I’m not my body. I’m not my body.

“I’m not my body”

Step two is to stop obsessing with food. My whole world circle around it. What’s for lunch is my favorite topic at breakfast. When can I eat next? And when I eat I get manic and can’t stop until I’m about to explode. It’s like I open Pandora’s box and my release my obsession with every meal. I always stuff myself up with salads and shit that is low in calories but high in volume.

It’s like I open Pandora’s box and my release my obsession with every meal

For me to be free I think that I have to break up with my relationship to food. Still care about how I nourish my body, but stop eating with my brain.

It takes 45 days to break a habit without failing, accordion to a study I read at ( When I’ll get my sweet ass back to Melbourne I’ll do a 45 day challenge with myself. I will not let my looks and my food control my emotions anymore. I don’t want that. I want to care about health and happiness. I want to live free. And I don’t want my favorite conversation to be where and what I can eat next.

I will love my body. For the right reason. I will. I know I will. Because I’m not my body. I’m not.