Am I boring?
I feel guilty for not wanting to be out all night. I’m scared that I’m letting myself be boring. I love doing nothing at home. Or is it that I’m too scared to be tired and sick that restricts me from doing anything? I get anxious of just the thought of being out all night. Why am I so scared of being tired? What am I afraid of?
I’m afraid of not being able to work out because I’m tired. I’m afraid of losing control over my body. Finally I’m happy and I am scared of loosing it. I cant afford to loose it. I’ve been lost for my whole life and now finally when I feel at home and content I think that I’m doing everything to keep my happiness under control, and that makes me scared of impulsive decisions. I have a routine that works. I have a routine where I can get my energy from training, where I always wake up feeling rested, where I have control over my day ahead. And If I fuck with that routine I’m probably scared, deep inside, that I might loose track of my emotions and happiness. If I try the unknown; what if my anxiety comes back? What if I start doubting myself? What if I don’t like who I am? Again. That’s why I love keeping it safe. And that’s why I don’t like going out anymore. Because I’m scared of loosing the love for myself. Again. And I’m not willing to jeopardise that.
But I know that I am such an extreme case of a human. It’s everything or nothing, and I say that if I want to do something, like have a beer or a “real” coffee I will just have it. But when you have been “good” for so long, and not had any alcohol or coffee it might turn into a competition, and I don’t like myself when I’m competing with myself. That’s when shit get pear-shaped. I get too restrictive and I only like myself if I stay within the frames I’ve created. As much as I have to work towards being happy, healthy and energized I also have to work towards not restricting myself from living. I’m not just worth loving when I am as “perfect” as one can be. And perfect isn’t “never being unhealthy” perfect is when I can just be without judging myself. I have to loosen up and live outside of my robotic rules, because otherwise I might get to forty and wonder what the hell happened and when I stopped living? And that’s a nightmare. Last night I had one beer, and today I had a real coffee. I wont start boozing and drinking coffee regularly because that will not make me happy, but I will not allow myself to feel like I have let myself down if I have a beer or a coffee once in a while. For normal people this is probably gibberish. Most people probably don’t think anywhere near this, but for me it is a constant dialogue in my head. And I just try to feed both sides evenly so the crazy-addictive side doesn’t take over the crazy-rules side.
I actually love my life now. More than I’ve ever loved life before. But I’m constantly working on getting better, happier and healthier, and sometimes you have to take a few steps back in order to get back on the right track.