Restrictive life?

Am I boring?

I feel guilty for not wanting to be out all night. I’m scared that I’m letting myself be boring. I love doing nothing at home. Or is it that I’m too scared to be tired and sick that restricts me from doing anything? I get anxious of just the thought of being out all night. Why am I so scared of being tired? What am I afraid of?

I’m afraid of not being able to work out because I’m tired. I’m afraid of losing control over my body. Finally I’m happy and I am scared of loosing it. I cant afford to loose it. I’ve been lost for my whole life and now finally when I feel at home and content I think that I’m doing everything to keep my happiness under control, and that makes me scared of impulsive decisions. I have a routine that works. I have a routine where I can get my energy from training, where I always wake up feeling rested, where I have control over my day ahead. And If I fuck with that routine I’m probably scared, deep inside, that I might loose track of my emotions and happiness. If I try the unknown; what if my anxiety comes back? What if I start doubting myself? What if I don’t like who I am? Again. That’s why I love keeping it safe. And that’s why I don’t like going out anymore. Because I’m scared of loosing the love for myself. Again. And I’m not willing to jeopardise that.

But I know that I am such an extreme case of a human. It’s everything or nothing, and I say that if I want to do something, like have a beer or a “real” coffee I will just have it. But when you have been “good” for so long, and not had any alcohol or coffee it might turn into a competition, and I don’t like myself when I’m competing with myself. That’s when shit get pear-shaped. I get too restrictive and I only like myself if I stay within the frames I’ve created. As much as I have to work towards being happy, healthy and energized I also have to work towards not restricting myself from living. I’m not just worth loving when I am as “perfect” as one can be. And perfect isn’t “never being unhealthy” perfect is when I can just be without judging myself. I have to loosen up and live outside of my robotic rules, because otherwise I might get to forty and wonder what the hell happened and when I stopped living? And that’s a nightmare. Last night I had one beer, and today I had a real coffee. I wont start boozing and drinking coffee regularly because that will not make me happy, but I will not allow myself to feel like I have let myself down if I have a beer or a coffee once in a while. For normal people this is probably gibberish. Most people probably don’t think anywhere near this, but for me it is a constant dialogue in my head. And I just try to feed both sides evenly so the crazy-addictive side doesn’t take over the crazy-rules side.

I actually love my life now. More than I’ve ever loved life before. But I’m constantly working on getting better, happier and healthier, and sometimes you have to take a few steps back in order to get back on the right track.


43 thoughts on “Restrictive life?”

  1. Lovely! I just wrote a post about this. There’s nothing to fear about losing your balance from time to time. Those moments will teach you more about yourself than the moments of control. When we let go of the control, the locked away sadness can rise to the surface and move out of us. You’re so resilient you’ll just bounce back anyway. Love you lady xx

  2. I so know what you mean. Doesn’t sound crazy to me! I often worry that I’ve only quit drinking because I don’t like losing control of how I feel/eat/exercise/look. I try to look at it like “now I don’t have to drink to be happy” instead of “now I can’t drink”…it helps me with the anxiety. It’s hard to be so hard on yourself. Keep writing!

  3. There is a huge lesson in loving the humanness of me. Same for loving humanity. If I only love the good times, I’ll be missing out on lots. The greatest joys for me are in learning to love IT ALL. Good post. Thanks Lee for sending me over here. xo Lisa

  4. I love the balance you’re trying to strike Maya. It’s so easy to become embroiled in our own rules that it does become crazy and we lose sight of the fact that all we want to be is ‘Happy’.

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