It’s starting to occur a lot to me how controlling I actually am. I’ve never really looked at it in that way. I’ve never thought I need control to relax. But I do. I always look at myself and believe that I am totally aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I often say that no one is more aware of everything that is wrong with me than I am, and still I haven’t understood how big my need of control actually is.
It make so much sense though, with an eating disorder passed, which basically is all about self control with rewarding thoughts when I managed not to eat. I thought I left it all behind. But coming to Sweden and being out of my controlled environment, without my routines I really understood how much of a control freak I actually am. Still. At home I have my workout routine, my breakfast routine, I know what I’m doing, when I’m doing it and I don’t think much of it. I love waking up 5am to do a workout and basically living a whole little morning life before the rest of the world wakes up.
I loved the first few jet lag days here in Sweden when we woke up too early and went down to the out door gym and manage to shower and bake bread before the rest of the family woke up. I reward myself for being so active. When people sleep and I am active it makes me feel good. But I’m here in Sweden to hang out with my family and friends. That should be priority one for me. And no one is living that life here. I fought with my brain and family when they want to go out for “late dinners” (7-8pm). I think that I can’t be in bed too late because I want to go up and work out. Which is not why I’m here. So you’d think I could be a little bit more flexible.
The first few days when I went up at 8am, and got down to the gym at 8.30 I stressed. I felt like I was loosing important time. Like the day was slipping through my fingers. And I kept starring at the watch, getting annoyed when people took their time. I was in a constant rush to nowhere really. I’m on vacation, I have no place I have to be and I can’t relax and enjoy a sleep in without hissing like a cat at the people around me. I can’t enjoy a late dinner because I am to stressed of being tired the day after at the gym.
I need to have control over something, and if that is not food, it’s the gym and my work outs. I can’t relax if that part of me isn’t under control. I won’t think a good and happy thought if everything isn’t under control. I need that time in the morning to set myself up for the day ahead. And that’s ok. But not when it prohibits me from actually living my life, spending time with my friends and family and ruins my day if I can’t do my workout one morning.
I haven’t got an answer to how I’ll take control over my controlling needs. But from now on I’ll be more aware of this side of me, so that I hopefully can stop myself when I stop living. When I don’t care about life just so that I can follow my rules and have shit under control. I’ll ask myself If it’s worth getting angry, stressed and upset, practically ruin a morning because I’m at the gym at 9am instead of 7am. After all, I’m preaching the power of choice, how you can choose how you feel, and I want to choose to be a free spirit. And I have some shit to work on in order for that to happen.