I will never be perfect. Maybe that is perfect?

tandare

I’m in a place right now where I feel happy but frustrated. Lack of patience has always been something I’ve struggled with. I think you can see it in my posts sometimes too. Perfection is not me. I want to get shit out as soon as possible. I like that though, that it doesn’t have to be perfect before I can share it. Because that makes it more me than if everything would be perfect. Or if everything had to be perfect. That’s why journalism school wasn’t for me. They all saw things I would never see. The small things in texts. I didn’t like changing my texts. Because it felt like I had to change me into what someone else wants. I’m not perfect. And I’ve never been perfect.

I get uncomfortable when people expect perfection of me. Even if it’s subjective. Probably because I don’t really care about perfection. You know when what you do is never enough, and you can always improve. Sometimes I just wish we could settle and be happy with what we achieved. But then again, when would you grow? You grow in challenges. I’ve got areas in my life where I welcome challenges. Like with mymondaylove. I want it to last. And I get so much out of this blog myself. It’s like therapy. Like my computer, baby-David, is my shrink. With every post I’m in the psychologist office trying to figure out what’s wrong with me, and what will “fix” me. I often understand myself more when I write it down. I need to get my thoughts out of my head. That’s enough to me. They don’t have to be perfect. My thoughts.

“Even when I reach what was once was my ideal body my eyes only saw what was wrong”

Just then, when I went up to get a cup of tea, a coconut and ginger tea which is the best I’ve tried, I realized that I’ve always aimed for perfect. In so many areas of my life. In school I had to have the best grades in everything. If I had one thing wrong in a test I couldn’t be happy for all the rights. With my body. I’ve never been happy with my body. Even when I reach what was once was my ideal body my eyes only saw what was wrong. I’ve never settled. The annoying thing is that I have pushed myself through shit I don’t even care about. What a waste of time that is. Just for others to think I’m perfect. In school there wasn’t many times I did stuff for me. I needed good grades so that the teachers would see me as the perfect student. So that my grades would look perfect on paper. I wasn’t a natural easy learner. I sat and read and read until I fell asleep on my French revolution book and woke up and threw it into the wall. I hated it. But I had to do it. Not for me. For “them”. And yesterday I met a little girl, 12 years old who reminded me a lot of me back then. And she said that she can’t settle for less than perfect. I told her that I used to be like that and looking back I wish I didn’t took life and things I didn’t care about so serious back then.

Imagine if I’d understood then that there is more to life than perfect grades and a perfect body. If I could have focused on my lack of confidence and worked on how to be myself in the society without caring of what everyone thought of me. You know, I’ve wanted to create a blog since I was 15 years old, but I haven’t been able to do it because I’ve cared about if other people would approve it. If they would find it tacky, corny. Imagine if school would help people focus on not caring if people judge you, because everywhere people will. But it is only if you let it get to you that you’ll try and shape yourself after other peoples judgments. Or what you think other people would think about you. Most of the time it’s just in your own head.

What if I had tried to chase what I love, rather than what I thought would make me fit in?

I didn’t have anything then. Or I had my need to please others, be perfect in school and have a perfect body. Three things that would never happen since I didn’t have the ability to see perfection in anything I did. And then of course I had partying to escape the imperfection in my life. What if I wouldn’t have cared about being judged? What If I would’ve had the courage to be me, be with people who treated themselves and others well rather than who were the “cool” people who didn’t support anything that wasn’t “cool”? What if I had tried to chase what I love, rather than what I thought would make me fit in? What I thought would make people approve me?

Maybe this is why I have always loved writing. Because it’s the only area in my life where I settle and love the imperfection. I appreciate inconsistency in texts. I know that how I write isn’t textbook perfect, but for some reason I share it anyway. It’s the only area in my life where I don’t expect perfection from myself. And it’s also the only area where I feel free. What does that say about me? Perfect is shit and can never be achieved. Imperfection is beautiful.

42 thoughts on “I will never be perfect. Maybe that is perfect?”

  1. Well-written, enjoyed reading it. I’m a perfectionist (and I often hate it) so reading your views on perfection and imperfection was very interesting.

  2. I totally hear you! If I’d have spent less time focusing on worrying if people liked me or having the perfect body when I was younger and more time working on other things that really mattered, I think I’d have got to a place where I’m happier much quicker! I loved reading this. Ree Love30

  3. Nothing in life is really perfect. Perfection seems to have a lot of guidelines and arbitrary rules. By adhering to these guidelines, we lose touch of our originality, our uniqueness, and everything that makes our identity. Imperfection is indeed beautiful! This imperfect world is awesome–the people we meet are so imperfect that it all is wonderful and exciting.

    Also, people might not agree with what you have to say on your blog. Some may not approve of it but there will be many who will relate with you and connect with you. I’m sure of it!

    Well written post! Hope you’re well!

    Your new reader,

    Ron | Nearby Wanderer

  4. Loved reading this. Even though I’m a little perfectionist there has been times that even I have had to admit, and yes I’m quoting Hannah Montana here, that nobody’s perfect.
    Pursui g perfection is just making you lose your mind if something, because when you get to the point you realise that you still aren’t happy with the place you got.

    <3: Jasmin N
    littlethingswithjassy.blogspot.fi

  5. Such a well-written post! I can completely relate to this as I am also a perfectionist, and to be honest, reading this post got a little bit emotional. Every day seems like a battle against striving for perfection, but I know it’s worth it and I need to understand that noone is perfect, and noone needs to be perfect. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves of our habits so that we can break free from them. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I learned a lot about myself from writing it. In the beginning I didn’t think I was a perfectionist at all and then half way through it just hit me that thats one of my main problems in life. I learnt that there’s different types of perfectionists, not just text-book perfectionists. thanks, xx Maya

  6. Great post! When I was a teen I was always worried about what everyone thought of me. I tried to be the perfect student and the perfect daughter. The pressure to be perfect got to me and I kind of went into a downward spiral. It wasn’t until I graduated high school that I realized I didn’t have to be perfect. Nobody’s perfect honestly. I finally focused on myself and what was best for me and I wish I did that sooner, but it only made me stronger in the end 🙂

    -Marie
    http://www.thatdarlinmarie.com

    1. Same here, such a wast of time during school trying to please all the teachers. You realise now that no one remember your grades and school work, they remember the person. When I have kids I hope I can make them realize that it’s much more important to be proud of who they are and do what they are passionate about than push themselves to be the best at something they don’t care about and wont use. thanks for your words, xx Maya

  7. Great post! When I was a teen I was always worried about what everyone thought of me. I tried to be the perfect student in the hope the teacher would just leave me along. If anything it made me ill and hate myself. Just be you and that it amazing!!

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