Writing yesterday’s post I got an epiphany. It struck me. 10 years has gone and my body has gone through all weights and shapes. From anorexic to porky and every shape in between. I have always been unhappy with it. I have always obsessed with what I eat. I have always felt guilty after I’ve eaten. I will never be happy with my body. Epiphany.
I will never be happy with my body. Epiphany.
It doesn’t matter how hard I train and how strict my diet is. I will never settle. I have to change the way I think and act around my body and food. I will not start loving my body through training or dieting. That’s not where the love is to be found. It has to come from habits. Happy thought patterns. Pure love. Not just love if I do something to deserve it.
So what the fuck should I do about it then? I actually accept my body now, but there is a lot of work to be done before I can relax in it. There is still guilt when I eat shit. Days when I feel bigger than others and I can’t be the person I want to be. I get agitated. I’m controlled by how I feel in my body. If I’m controlled with how I feel in my body, and I just realized that I’ll never be happy with it, how can I be free and happy ever then?
Something has to change. Starting to tell myself “I’m not my body” and really try to understand that I’m actually just inside my body has helped me realize that no one really cares if I look bigger or smaller. They don’t see it. They care about how I make them feel and what I say. Thinking like this, and actually understand it, has some what helped me. But I need to repeat it a couple of times per day. I’m not my body. I’m not my body. I’m not my body.
“I’m not my body”
Step two is to stop obsessing with food. My whole world circle around it. What’s for lunch is my favorite topic at breakfast. When can I eat next? And when I eat I get manic and can’t stop until I’m about to explode. It’s like I open Pandora’s box and my release my obsession with every meal. I always stuff myself up with salads and shit that is low in calories but high in volume.
It’s like I open Pandora’s box and my release my obsession with every meal
For me to be free I think that I have to break up with my relationship to food. Still care about how I nourish my body, but stop eating with my brain.
It takes 45 days to break a habit without failing, accordion to a study I read at (www.thepositivepsychologypeople.com). When I’ll get my sweet ass back to Melbourne I’ll do a 45 day challenge with myself. I will not let my looks and my food control my emotions anymore. I don’t want that. I want to care about health and happiness. I want to live free. And I don’t want my favorite conversation to be where and what I can eat next.
I will love my body. For the right reason. I will. I know I will. Because I’m not my body. I’m not.