This month in Sweden has taught me a lot about myself. I’ve come to understand exactly how controlling I actually am. Where my focus is. I’ve realised that I work out for the wrong reasons. That I eat for the wrong reasons. I’ve realised that I’m not my body. But to change this, and to start working out for the right reasons, and eat for the right reasons I have to fully commit. Commit to do things that will support me and my body. Some might say that any type of exercise and healthy eating will do just that. Support the body. But when you aren’t capable of loving your body if you don’t follow the rules that you’ve created and if you can only love your body if you’ve had a big workout; something must change.
At the moment I work out so that my brain can relax. I’ve done what it has told me, my brain, in order for it to love my body. Still, my brain doesn’t always love my body if I’ve worked out. I work out so that I can deserve food. If I don’t work out I cannot enjoy food. My brain doesn’t let me. But still, even if I have had the biggest workout I can still feel bad after eating a lot. So what’s the point?
“insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”
This is how I understand that the solution to self love, self acceptance and self fulfilment is not to work out more and eat healthier. I’ve tried that. For over 4 years. It’s like Einstein said, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. I keep thinking that if I just work out a little harder or eat a little healthier “POFF” I will find the love for my body. I will stop judging it. How insane is that to think? It’s like I could laugh at myself. How can I be so naïve and trust my brain still, after all craziness it has put me through? After all self harm it has caused? My brain is a bully, and I just do what it tells me to do. I’m under a spell.
This is probably the most revolutionary realization for me. I truly believe that in fighting this I can set myself free. I truly believe this. And this is the first time my solution to finding self love hasn’t been trying a new diet and adding in a new workout.
I will not be insane for the rest of my life. I will be free.
So what will I do? I still believe that you have to have a clean diet and move in order to be the happiest version of you. But as it is now I go up at 5am in the morning many days just to lift weights and do burpees in the dark back room in Melbourne just so that I can eat with a good conscious. That’s a red flag. I don’t do yoga regularly because my brain tells me that is not enough workout for me to burn fat and deserve food. Red flag! I need yoga to shut my brain up. And if anything, it is so beneficial for my body. Bringing blood flow to all dusty, rusty corners of my body. I’ll create a 45 day challenge of not listening to my brain, and only doing what’s actually best for my body. Not listening to when my brain tells me that I haven’t done enough. Not listening to when it tells me I’ll blow up like a blow fish (because I wont, i know that). I will not listening to my brain when it tells me that I can’t eat any carbs because I haven’t been out for a long distance run. As soon as I’m done creating my 45 day challenge I’ll share it with you. I will not be insane for the rest of my life. I will be free.