The process of breaking free

mayaa

So I’m in a phase of breaking bad habits. Basically breaking all habits that it restricting me from living. Breaking obsessive behaviour treats I let control me. Creating my 45 day challenge I’ve come to understand how many small obsessions I have welcomed in my life, and how they do restrict me in different ways. Right now I’m acknowledging them. Writing them down in order to break them. To break free.

My life is controlled by my emotions, and my emotions depend on if I’ve done certain things the “right” way. My life is controlled by routines, and as much as I love routines I’ve come to the conclusion that they do suffocate me. A lot. Basically I’ve found that I get endorphins from training so I’ve noticed that days when I work out I feel cam in a different way than days I don’t work out. This chase of feeling as good as possible has made me want to work out every day. After a while I couldn’t feel good and happy with myself if I hadn’t completed a hard workout in the morning. Even if I knew that my body needed rest I still had to push it. To be happy. To allow myself to love myself. I had to lift heavy weights and use big muscles to “deserve” food. And I got hungry. Obviously. But I then punished myself for eating a lot, because in my head I didn’t want to grow muscles I just wanted to deserve to eat and love myself. Now I’ve come to this point where I’ve actually gained 5kg of muscles that I vainly don’t really want. So where am I going with this?

I deserve better than this from myself.

If my goals in life was to build muscles and be a body sculpture I would probably be on the right track, but I don’t so much care about that. I’m just after a life where I’m as happy and healthy as I can be. I’m after a life where I can be flexible and don’t have to do anything when I wake up. That doesn’t mean that I won’t do things, it’s just that I want to do what I do for different reasons. I don’t just want to work out hard so that I can deserve to eat. I want to work out to keep my body functional and healthy. Not every day. Not to love me more. Not to get the perfect body. The body that doesn’t exist. Not because I’ve compared myself to someone else that I think has a more beautiful body than I have and I want to work out in order to look less like me and more like that person. No, it’s enough of that. Enough of those obsessions. I deserve better than this from myself.

It’s so funny to think what I do over and over again. With everything. Anything that make me happy I crave until it ruins me. I’ve done it with alcohol, food, no food, caffeine, workout, sleep, time. It’s a typical addictive personality treat. To over-do things. To not appreciate the things that you love in moderation. To just crave more and more until it takes over. Controls you. Controls your life.

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