Last time I was on this flight, then towards Stockholm I was secretly doing squats on the toilet. I thought about how I could burn calories. constantly. How could I deserve my food? Avoid the plane food, but still eat it. What would people think of my body? “Do I look fat now” my brain asks me more than one hundred times per day. Every time I see a glance of myself in a mirror. Every time I add a layer to my outfit. It is crazy what a body obsession I have. Today I realise something new. Or something that I’ve always known, but now actually understand and feel.
I understand that living my life constantly chasing the perfect body is not the life I want to live. You might think that it’s just a thought that pop up in my head, and once that is changed I’m free. But when you’ve lived with an eating disorder for so long, or even a body/food obsession and weird body image it’s not just a thought. It’s my whole life. Everything I’ve done has been to take myself closer to my perfect body. The one that does not exist, by the way. Not unless you choose to accept the one that you actually have got. The one that is perfect if you choose to see its perfection. Not compare it with others.
I will relax and enjoy every moment from now on. Not let my obsession control my life. To obsess never works anyway. Because the less I want to eat the more obsessed with food I get and the more I eat. The guiltier I feel. The more I think. The more it controls me. Everything I do. It isolates me. It is lonely. I’m so up in my own head and in my own thoughts and obsessions that I can’t focus on other people.
I have forgotten what it feels like to live with my senses, not my brain and constant thoughts
That’s fucked. But now, sitting on the plane back I crave something else. I crave the balance. The healthy balance in actually listening to my body. I’ve thought about it many times. I thought that I’ve been listening to my body, but my brain has always screamed louder. My brain has been screaming in my head for so long that my body has forgotten how to be heard. And my brain has definitely forgotten how to listen and give room for others. I have forgotten what it feels like to live with my senses, not my brain and constant thoughts. Constant planning. I’ve forgotten.
No, I left that chase somewhere in Sweden.
But I can feel something now. It’s a new feeling. I can feel how I left something in Stockholm. Something stressful and obsessive. I left is somewhere there. I feel a new calm in my body. And a new faith in myself. I will allow myself to be awake for as long as I want, I do not need to be up and lift weights early every damn morning. When I walk, run, eat, drink, sleep, plan I will do what I do because that’s what is happening now, not because I try to chase that body. No, I left that chase somewhere in Sweden.
Now, going back to my second home, Melbourne, I feel relaxed. In a new way. In a hopeful way. No squats on the toilet, because it’s not all about that.