Along the way of finding a fun, happy and healthy life I lost my fun. I lost my need for a social life. I created a million rules in my head. And if I didn’t follow them I felt lost, scared and lonely. I became my rules. Living by my rules made me feel safe. But is safe the same as happy? See, this is my problem in life. When something makes me happy I go to the extreme, and when something gets to that extreme place, the happiness turns into a obsession. My brain think that if I don’t do this/get this all the time I won’t be happy.
If someone told me I couldn’t work out one day I would feel like my whole world had collapsed. I would’ve lost ground. Fallen deep into a feeling of not knowing who I am. One day. That’s not living and being healthy. That’s just rules and musts.
I didn’t want to do anything with people at night because that might ruin the following day. I might get tired. I might not feel like working out. I might lose myself. So without me realizing it I have prioritized my rules over my social life. It didn’t matter if I didn’t see anyone but Adrian during the week as long as I followed my own rules. Then I felt safe. Relaxed. Happy? Lonely?
I have to be careful of not losing myself again
In this search for happiness I lost myself along the way. I lost my fun. I could only relax if I had done everything right by my book. By my watch. I wasn’t present in conversations because my brain was too busy thinking about how I could plan the rest of my day to avoid breaking any rules. I lost Maya. She was drowning in do’s and don’ts. Somewhere on my nine extra day’s Adrian bought me in Stockholm I did find myself again. Like someone had clicked their fingers, and I woke up from under a spell. I’m scared I wouldn’t have experienced this awakening if Adrian wouldn’t have gifted me those extra days in Stockholm, and for that I’m truly deeply really grateful. And now, going back to work, and what could be the return to my old routines I have to be careful of not losing myself again. I have to be aware of my thoughts and fuck the obsessive ones off. Forever discipline has been my safe place. I never wanted to make myself or anyone around me disappointed. Discipline has also been the one thing holding me back. Suffocating me. I’m ready to let go of my obsessions and take my life back. Value myself. I’m not my rules, and I’m not my body. I just am.