The change from inside

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I don’t know how many times people have told me, begged me, to understand that I don’t need to work out hard every day. That in fact, working out hard without letting your muscles relax is tearing your muscles down, rather than strengthening them and building them up. Probably every person I’ve talked to ever about nutrition has told me not to be afraid of carbs. The good kind. Not sugar, wheat and gluten obviously.

If I had made a nutrition and workout program for someone else I wouldn’t have made anyone live like how I’ve been living the past ten years of my life. My lifestyle has gone from one extreme to another, and even though I’m well informed about what a balanced life would look like I have never followed my own advice. I’ve been hard on myself. Not giving myself any rest. I have been worth nothing if I didn’t follow my strict rules. The funny thing is that none of my rules or extreme ways of living and taking care of myself has taken me to where I want to be, neither physically nor mentally.

Rules apply to everyone but me

What I’ve learnt from this is that how much you want to change other people or yourself you cannot do it simply by telling them what’s right or wrong. I’ve known my whole life what’s good and what’s bad. But when it comes to me, I for some reason think that the rules don’t apply. People shouldn’t lift weights and train the same muscles every day without rest. But I have to because otherwise…. I don’t love myself? People really benefit from eating those good carbs, like the once in beans, vegetables and fruit. But if I eat them I’ll blow up. Rules apply to everyone but me. How can people misguide themselves so much? That to me is a mystery.

It’s also frustrating to try to defend your way of living when deep down you know you wouldn’t recommend someone else to do what you do. Adrian always asks me if I’ve worked out today, and I always say “No, only reformer Pilates” or “No, I just went for a 10km run” or “No, I just did some weight lifting at home”. This used to drive him insane. But it’s like, if I know I should let my body rest, then if I pretend that my workouts are just fluffy I don’t have to count them as a work out. And then I can justify, in my head, to work out the next day too. So that I can love myself every day. So that my brain ghosts can shut up every day. So that my mind can be calm every day.

Don’t get me wrong here. I believe that everybody should move. Every day. The more the better. But moving and being active isn’t the same as having to go up 4.45 am to lift some weights and do some jump squats just so that one can survive the day without feeling guilty, gross useless or totally lost.

I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now

What I’ve learnt from this is that all changes comes from inside. This is something I have been through, and probably had to go through in order to find my balance. I don’t want to blow my own horn to early, but I cannot describe the peace I feel inside my body and brain right now. It’s been a week of no crazy workouts every day. Only walks and one, fucking crazy, boxing session (witch I love for other reasons than to shape-my-body-reasons). I’ve understood that a plant-based diet is what all body’s benefit from and I haven’t been counting any carbs in my meals. I’ve just been eating raw colorful food that I know will make my body and gut laugh with excitement.

Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do

I sometimes hear a vague voice telling me that I’ll go fat and sluggish and that I need to burn calories or I’ll get no love. But then I calmly tell that silly self-destructive voice that that simply cannot happen if I eat clean raw food and move. Do what I love. Not having to do stuff so that I can then do what I love and love what I do.

I’ve learnt to not satisfy negative brain thoughts, but elevating happy, positive and calm thoughts. If my brain tells me that I have to go for a run or I’ll get fat and unhappy, I shouldn’t listen. But if my legs feel like running and my brain want’s to follow, I’ll run.

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