Monthly Archives: August 2016

Relaxed and happy with my body

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A catch up with Marissa Frew is like a whole body experience. I realise so many new things about myself every time I see her that my head is sore. One of the biggest things I took with me from this mornings catch up was not to over think every single decision I make. Because when I’m thinking about all the what if’s and when I thinking about the finished product I close myself off to reality. And I tend to do this all the time. I think and I think and I think and my thoughts about the future scare me away from actually moving forward                                                                                  with anything that I’m interested in.

I didn’t allow for life to take its place and the universe to actually do its job.

A lot of this I experienced in Sweden when I broke myself free from my rules with training and eating. I had set up this reality of rules that I had to work out hard every day in order to be able to enjoy the day. That lead to me not wanting to do anything at night because I needed to go up early to train so that I could enjoy the day. But I couldn’t actually enjoy the day or the night because I was thinking about tomorrow and how I could manage to fit in my training. Through all of this I thought that I was happy. I thought that my rules made me happy. But they closed me off to the real world. I didn’t allow for any spontaneity. I didn’t allow for life to take its place and the universe to actually do its job. Throughout all of this I wasn’t happy with myself nor my body, I always felt like I didn’t work out hard enough or ate clean enough, I was puffy from stress and hormones.

this past month I have eaten more natural carbs than I’ve had since I was 14, worked out less than I have for 6 years and I have never felt happier in my body and in my mind

It has now been over a month since my epiphany took place. The one where I suddenly realized that I wasn’t living my life. And this past month I have eaten more natural carbs than I’ve had since I was 14, worked out less than I have for 6 years and I have never felt happier in my body and in my mind. My obsessions are in control, my diet feels free, as in I eat what I feel like eating without thinking about where on my body this will affect me and I am being nicer to myself. I find it easier to cut myself some slack. And I also look and feel less puffy. I still move because my body wants to move, and I avoid gluten-carbs, but that’s only because it’s not good for my body. Not for any vain reasons.

I feel like for so long I’ve tried to be perfect, try to achieve a perfect body through a “perfect” diet and as much work out as possible, and the more I pushed myself the further away from feeling perfect I got. I tried super hard but It only pushed me further away from what I saw as an ideal body. Further away from what I felt comfortable with. And now, when I allow myself to relax and enjoy life, when I don’t try and aim for perfect and instead try to aim for happiness and self love, I feel like I can hear my needs more clearly. Maybe I just haven’t listened before because I’ve been too busy following my perfect training and meal plan that there wasn’t room to listen to my body and souls silly needs. But now I hear. And I listen.

Do what I love

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Ok, I want to be successful. In something. I feel that I have a lot to give, but don’t know where I want, can and should put my focus. I don’t know where I would enjoy spending my time. I’ve thought of a lot of things. Creating my own happiness company, helping businesses to take care of their employees, creating an app, a website, a tool for happiness seekers. But all of this has run out in the sand because my whole heart hasn’t been in it. Who am I to tell corporate businesses how they can run a happy business when I have no idea what it is like to work there. I mean, I could probably help a little, but to really make a difference would mean a lot of work that I’m not truly ready to invest in.

Since I was a little kid I’ve wanted to be everything from a doctor, psychiatrist, teacher and writer. All of these roles I’ve seen myself helping girls like myself. When someone I know is struggling I itch to tell them all about how I’ve dealt with similar issues. It can be about everything from a cold to a deep depression. I want to help. When I meet young girls at my job I can’t wait to chat with them. I want to inspire them to love themselves and have fun in life. I want to show them that life is not about perfection, is about fulfilment. It’s not about being successful in something you don’t enjoy. Its about succeeding with making time for what you love.

I’ve understood that spending my time doing that, being around young girls that I can help finding inner love, is what I want to dedicate my time to. That’s my passion. So in one way or another I’ll find a way to do just that.

How to act as if…

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In all the happiness books I read there is one thing that you simply can’t miss. They all come back to act as how you want to feel, and act as what you want is already in your possession. No doubts it works. Your body language can trick your brain into feeling happy, sad or whatever you want to feel.

But I find this super hard to do sometimes when I’m down. It’s like my body wants to feel down for a little while. And that’s ok I guess. But then, the contrasts might be so clear for me because of the industry I work in. You simply cannot afford to be grumpy at my job. It’s all about happiness and love. No room for sadness and anger. Maybe this is why I feel so frustrated sometimes, because in so many situations at work I have to make that switch when my body don’t want to?

Another thing is living as if you already have your dreams in your possession. Doing this can make you feel like you are on top of everything. That you can make everything happen. But sometimes it can frustrate the shit out of me. I’m a person who wants answers, and when I don’t have them I sometimes don’t believe that they exist. I mean I know that they do, but how will I get those answers. How will I know what to do? Because sometimes I most surely don’t know.

When reverse engineering dreams or plans or goals it all comes back to actions. Frustration will take us nowhere, if we don’t turn that frustration into grit and hunger. If the smallest actions can take you one step closer to your goal, take them.

Sometimes my goals seem so far away, and I wonder if everything I do is just a wast of time. But then I remember that I should only do the things that I truly enjoy even if they don’t go anywhere. I do things that I’ll look back on and know that even if it didn’t turned out how I was hoping it would I at least enjoyed creating it and working on it. And if you enjoy doing something; it’s never a waste of time!

Big ideas and failure

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I am a person with many ideas. They don’t just pop up in my head to then disappear; they take over my whole body and mind. “This is it” I’ve thought so many times, and I’ve dived strait into doing everything in order for this idea to become reality, to become alive. Then suddenly, when the respons and support wasn’t what I expected, I’ve stopped and let the ideas go. I feel like I’ve failed my ideas so many times, and that make me feel genuinely sad and disappointed. It feels like I’ve failed myself.

I’ve always wanted to create something new. Create something that I’ll get recognition for. Something that will help people. But I keep failing to complete my ideas. I try so hard. And then I give up.

So now when I come up with something new, something that I for one moment believe in, I’m scared that I’ll give up on it. I’m scared that this is my idea of the month. That one that I think will be life changing, but that I then let go of because I can’t be fucked dealing with the practical side of it, aka the whole execution. It has come to the point where I sometimes wonder if I ever will be bold and gritty enough to follow through with any of my ideas. I fall down in self-pettiness. Thinking that I’m useless, that I don’t have what it takes.

And then I remember those ideas that I actually have followed through with. Like this blog for example. This blog was for a long time just an idea that I was too scared to pursue. But I have enjoyed writing, sharing and getting responses every day since I started Mymondaylove. There is a lot more things that I want to do with this blog and with my writing, but that hasn’t made me give up. Even though this isn’t perfect I have been willing to deal with all the set backs and keep writing in imperfection, because this is what I love. This is what makes me excited. Writing is what makes my time fly.

I can choose to shift the focus from looking at what dreams I haven’t pursued and instead look at what I actually have kept working and working on. When shifting the focus I start to remember more things that I have kept on doing that started out as just an idea and I realise that those other ideas, the ones I didn’t follow through with, are just stepping stones for me to jump on, deal with in order to find those things that really resonates with me. I have to be grateful for those ideas, and grateful that I lived through and with them for a couple of weeks but then let them go. They weren’t the right ones, but I learnt a lot from them, even though I’m not always able to see it. I needed them, and then I needed to let go of them in order for something new to take place. I haven’t failed myself. In fact, if I were to stick with something that wasn’t a hundred precent right I would be failing myself. If I stayed with something that wasn’t what I was genuinely interested in long term I would be failing my whole life. Because I want a life where I don’t have to pause, work, to then live. I want to live through what I truly love. So that’s what I will do.

We are moving

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Two weeks ago Adrian and I felt like it is time for us to start our own life. Since we moved back to Melbourne we have lived with his parents which I absolutely love. We get along so well and the house is big enough so that we don’t have to live on each other. I think both Adrian and I are a bit afraid of growing up. We love having parents around, both our Stockholm parents and our Melbourne ones. But we also dream about our own place, with our choice of furniture and to actually start living our life as the two man family we are at this point.

Today we have spent the whole day house hunting which I really enjoy. I think of everything I can do with a place to make it homely. Adrian is a minimalist and I am a theoretical minimalist who loves stuff. A lot of stuff so I know that Adrian is a bit scared that I will turn our place into a dump, but I’m positive that I’ll make him love it.

We did walk in to the second place with a weird feeling in our guts. But as soon as we took the first step into the door the weird feeling got taken up by lightness. It was perfect. With a view over the ocean and it’s literally just a stone throw away from our dream house. The house we know we will live in in five years time.

We went to see all the other places, but nothing was as good as that place. We couldn’t look back after seeing this cloud of a living. I just pictured myself in there with a Christmas tree in there, cooking, and having my parents over, sleeping in the spare bed room.

Chances are obviously that we will not get it, and that’s fine. We know that it’s out there, and we know that we are ready to take the next step in life. That is kind of a cool feeling. And I’m excited for everything that will come after this.

Silent martyr

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I’m guilty of waiting around for change to happen to me, for others to change things for me.. I remember when I was younger and did gymnastics. We went on a camp for a week and I felt like the trainers was pushing us too hard, but I couldn’t say it. You know that feeling, I suppose it might be pride I’m talking about, when you want people to see that you are doing something until you crash. That they see that they make you do something until you crash. I wanted to faint so that the trainers would know that they pushed us too hard, but instead of pushing myself too hard I tried different breathing techniques so that I would faint. This is so ridiculous I’m hesitating to even write this. I didn’t faint, I was just grumpy and angry it would seem. I could’ve just used my voice, but then they would’ve  seen me as weak. I didn’t want to tell them. I wanted to show them.

The same theory can be applied to my life today too. I’m not walking around trying to faint instead of talking, but sometimes I’m too proud to ask for help or to say no to things. And when someone expect me to do something I find it hard to let that person or those people down. And to be honest I think that doesn’t come from a genuine place of caring all the time, I think it might be coming from a place of me being some kind of martyr. The ironic thing is that I never really do anything that martyr-like. People wouldn’t notice when I’m in my own head not asking for help or saying yes to things I should say no to. They wouldn’t for a second think that I sacrifice my time or body. They would think “sweet” and move on. And there I am, doing all this shit, thinking I’m over doing everything, without telling anyone and no one will notice, but me. I’m sure my gymnastic teachers just thought I was being grumpy and uneasy to have around the team when I was in this “martyr-mode”, never did they thing that they were pushing us to hard. Same rules apply today. So I have to swallow my stupid pride in situations like this and just understand that no-one will be affected by me staying true to what I want except me, in a positive way.

This behaviour or thinking pattern must come from a place where I compare myself with others. Instead of allowing others to be able to do more than I do in certain situations or areas in their life, without complaining, I go silently but angry and try to do the same, but I cannot do it without feeling like I’m sacrificing myself. I think that’s a good sign of not doing something;  when I think that I’m sacrificing my time or my body. Then I know that  I have to stop comparing myself to what others are doing and accept that I’m not where they are and I don’t have to be. We actually are different and we do handle all situations different. I just have to allow for this to be what it is, push myself where I feel happy to, and let others be better at things that doesn’t give me joy. Be proud of not doing everything. There is pride in that too.

The world isn’t depending on me, and even if it was, I couldn’t do everything alone either. That’s why people do better in groups – you support each other.

I needed new

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I’m not a big shopper. As a matter of fact, when Adrian and I are in the city or in a shopping mall I usually wait outside the shops whilst he gois in looking and trying stuff on. I love walking around people watching, but actual shopping make me bored and tired. And don’t you get me started on trying on stuff. That is the worst part of shopping. Getting dressed is not up there on my favourite things to do and if I could I would sleep in the clothes I was going to wear the next day. It has actually happened that I’ve done that. More than once.

So, I do work in a shop that sells clothing witch is more than convenient since I can just buy everything I wear there. When it comes to feeling good and looking nice though, when I go out for dinners etc, I do always feel like such a dag going out in my work-clothes. I’m a super comfortable person. Denim jeans I stopped wearing 2008 and everything that doesn’t allow all my body parts to flopp around and breathe is doomed. I need ultra stretch. Many times I’ve been eying out the pregnancy clothes. They look so comfy and nice. But then I’ve had to slap my own wrists to resist buying those stretchy jeans with a waistband from heaven. I’m certainly my mums daughter when it comes to that. Although I tend to dress a little more feminine than she. She takes my brother’s old clothes and rips the sleeves of their shirts if it’s a warm day. Instead of just putting on a cooler top. So many pants have been long at the start of a walk and ripped off unevenly when we get back.

The first time my mum met my mother in law was at a nice hotel bar in Stockholm. Mum came in a big dress and I remember thinking that she looked super cute. The dress was big and airy but she was twisting and turning uncomfortably. She excused herself and said that she couldn’t find any comfortable undies so she had been digging in my brothers underwear box and was now wearing his boxers with too little stretch in them. My mother in law just laughed and said that her and I will shop the most unnoticeable panties for her when we get back to Melbourne. And we did. She didn’t need to flip my brothers

So yesterday I panicked because I had nothing to wear. I basically have one pair of pants that isn’t running or yoga pants. I have some more but they suffocate me. All of them. And I feel like I wear the same things over and over again. I don’t just feel like that. I do wear all the same things. Over and over again. I needed some clothes. But I hate shopping. And trying. But yesterday I committed to actually get myself some normal clothes. So I stood there. Under the fluoro lighting, looking at the lumps on my body that I can never see in real light and tried on pants after pants after skirts. Until I found the perfect skirt and I bought two colours, and I’ll go back for the third one later. I found some shoes and some pants. And getting some new stuff actually refreshed me a little.

That’s what I’ve learnt in the last couple of weeks; when something works for you, buy all the colours and doubles, because the things that actually works are rare and worth having a few options of. I’m a superman closet person and I just have to accept it. Yesterday shopping made me feel really good, and now I know I won’t need to do more of the trying on thing for four years.

Chasing goals

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It seems like when I need it the most something always forces me to sit down and reset my goals. Today it was at work. I sometimes laugh at my own goals because they can seem a bit hard to achieve from where I’m standing today. I’m planning something of which I have no idea how to even beguine to reach. But that must be what separate us from each other. What you do proceed to chase after until it’s in your possession?

My goals at the moment frustrates me a lot, because I haven’t made anything concrete happen in order for me to move closer to them. I’m stranded. I’m here and scared to take actions. Scared to become a joke. But if it is my dream, should I care if trying to achieve them would turn me into a joke? If I truly try, then that cannot make me a joke, because it would be a joke not to try. After all they are my dreams. Never have anyone regretted that they went for something they truly believed in. ever.

Talking to people around me, friends and colleagues made me understand that I can achieve this if I want to. And to put my goals out there, outside my brain and get others take on my goals opened up new pathways on which I could walk.

So today I’m making plans. Plans for the future and then I’m breaking down my plans into smaller plans. In the next year I will grow my writing business, finish writing my first book and be in charge of selling a new Swedish product here in Australia. They are my one year goals. Oh, and taking that fucking driver’s license that I’m an expert to avoid practising for.

If I finish one chapter a month for my book, I’ll achieve one goal.

If I start networking and connecting to other writers and writing required businesses I will achieve another.

After all, these goals are mine, and no one will achieve them except me. I am the one who has to take actions, I am the one who as to ask for help when I need help. I am the one with these dreams, and I am the one who will live those dreams in the future.

I’ve felt so lost the last couple of days. I haven’t known what I want to do or how to get there. I haven’t known what I identify myself with and how to choose happiness. Sitting down and work out what I want and getting people to help me figure out the next steps really helped me ground myself. I now feel like I’ve gotten back my drive. I want to do this, so I will.

Feeling lost

finThe last couple of days I’ve felt lost in who I am. Or maybe it’s not that I feel lost in who I am, I might just feel like I’m lost in what I do? The things I used to identify myself with isn’t what I identify myself with anymore. And if they aren’t, then who am I?

I know that this is only thoughts, but they drag me down. And I feel sad. I know that I can choose here, but it is quite hard to choose when you feel lost. This is when I need to believe in my choice the most. I feel like a fraud when I cannot manage to get myself out of this mindset. I understand that this is normal and that everyone feels like this from time to time, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

What would my dad have to say to all this? My dad would tell me to stop thinking. That our brains are designed to create problems where there isn’t any. He would tell me to just observe my thoughts as I observe the traffic outside. The cars come and the cars go. He would say that I am not my thoughts, and I am not my body, I am the space inside that is aware of the thoughts and the reality surrounding me. And I know that. And it makes it all a little easier, but it doesn’t make my future more secure. Maybe I’m scared that I’m not going anywhere. Maybe I’m just in need for a boost or something to show me that I’m heading in the right direction in life. Whatever that is?

Anyhow, I’m over complaining without doing, so this morning I did what I do when I feel like an unrisen dough; I went out for a run with some good music. To gain some endorphins and to just get my heart rate up. And then I walked strait into an ice cold shower. Shocking my body always seems to snap me out of the worst self-pettiness.

I try to be aware of the negative thoughts that show up in my brain and understand that they actually mean nothing. That they only mean something if I give them a meaning. There is my choice. I can choose to go with the unhappy, scared, negative thoughts and give them meaning in my life, or I can choose to observe them and let go of them and give meaning to something else in my life. Like love. And happiness.

Make shit happen

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Today I feel like I know that I’m going somewhere but I have no patience in getting there. I’m like a kid in the back of a car. “are we there yet” before I’ve even put the seatbelt on. I’m at a point right now where I feel like something needs to happen, and I also know that I am the only person that can make shit happen in my own life, with my own ideas.

I’m a coward when it comes to a lot of things. I’m scared of failing and I’m scared of uncertainty. But how can I ever get somewhere if I don’t put myself out on uncurtained water first? There is impossible to know an outcome of something before it’s done. That’s why people stick to what is certain and what they know. But what if I don’t want that life? Then I have to chance and challenge my fear of the uncertain, otherwise I have no chance in winning what I dream of.

The biggest step is to commit. I understand now that the biggest step is to take the first step and commit to actually changing something. After the first step, when there is no turning back, I will meet whatever comes at me with an open mind.

Now I just have to take a deep breath and make shit happen in my life. I’m ready.