The last few weeks, I’ve made a few huge changes in my attitude towards life. Some might think that it’s only a matter of time before I go all extreme again, because that’s what I do. But I don’t. Something snapped for me in Stockholm. And I’m ready to live to the fullest of my potential. In that being said, of course my past extreme living thoughts and rules are sometimes playing up in my head. I’ve got those voices telling me I’m no one without constantly being that person my rules made me. I’m no one if I don’t work out constantly. The thing is, I worked out like crazy, which was the only way that I new in order to find peace of mind, and so that I could eat and not get fat, but even doing what I was doing I constantly felt that I could/should do more. Eat less. I always felt guilty eating even when I had had a huge workout. Crazy how the brain work. You give an inch and it takes a mile. All the damn time. Never satisfied.
I never want to be that person who can’t be because I’m too busy thinking about what’s not perfect with how I look
I do find myself in those thought patterns sometimes. I think I should do this so that I can enjoy that… But then I stop myself, I catch myself in those thoughts and say to my brain that I have to do nothing in order to deserve food and love. Nothing. I find myself comparing me towards others. I see their beauty and I struggle to see my own, and then I stop myself. It’s ridiculous. It’s such a vain struggle I’m fighting. Even though I know that deep, deep down it’s probably not about looks, and that I don’t have to compliment my own look in order to find self-love. I have to see the beauty inside, and that’s where the solution is. The love. I know I’ve got a good heart. And I have a lot of love to give. A lot. I never want to be that person who can’t be because I’m too busy thinking about what’s not perfect with how I look. That’s not who I am. And not who I want to be.
It’s what you spend time nourishing that grows
So with so many big changes coming so fast, of course there are times of struggle, times of not a hundred percent optimism and giggles. But I’ve learnt now that it’s what you focus on that gets bigger. It’s what you spend time nourishing that grows. And the thing that you don’t give any attention, not give into, that slowly fades. Get smaller. Less important.
I focus on love. People. Happiness. Health. Peace of mind. That’s what I want to nourish. That’s what I want to grow. So that’s where my focus is at.