I’m an analyser. Or most would probably put me in the category of an over-thinker. I make up stories. I fear. I feel guilt. But in my over-analysing I usually end up at the same answer; If I’ve done things right and if I feel like something is aligned with what for me feels good, then all the stories and paranoia is worthless. But the way of getting there, to that conclusion, can be stressful, painful and often I loose a bit of confidence along the way. I beat myself down you know, and even if I recover, the memory of being beaten remains.
I catch myself in this process now. The process of having to justify having a coffee (because I haven’t had one since five days ago and today I felt like one, so I bought one, but I still don’t want to start to drink coffee on a regular basis, so I have to keep it to less than three per week, but today I had one coffee because I felt tired and I had to work and I wanted to be buzzing at work, but I cant have coffee every time I work, and I wont, but I had one today and that’s fine. If It stays with today, it’s fine). That’s how my mind goes off when I feel like I have to justify things.
It’s like, who actually cares? I don’t really care, but my brain seems to make such a big deal out of all small things like being tired, and hungry. It’s the two most simple states to fix in the universe. And the worst thing that can happen is just that I’ll be a little tired one day, or I’ll be a little hungry for a couple of hours, max.
My brain over analyse so many shit-things in my life that my energy towards that could fuel a whole nuclear site. But At least I’m catching myself doing it now, and I laugh at it. At myself, because that’s healthy, and that’s how you grow. You see a pattern, and if you don’t like it, you acknowledge it and interrupt it. Change focus.
Today I’m changing focus, and I’ll go with my gut, and live with my heart, and laugh at my brain. With love of course.