When reading my posts, sometimes you might find me arrogant. I at least find myself arrogant. Not in a vain, selfish way. I might seem arrogant in the way that I make things sound so easy. It’s just a choice yes? Well, most of the times I write about things that has happened, and about situations where I wish I could choose, or where I had the strength to choose more wisely. Happiness isn’t always an easy choice for me, it’s quite the opposite. That’s why I’m so fascinating with the subject. I love to write about it because it has always been a struggle for me to choose happiness. And that’s weird to say, because most people who know me knows me as the most happy person ever. But those who know me a bit deeper knows that I also struggle with anger, anxiety and depression.
I love the idea of the power of choice, and I keep investigating, keep learning about the subject so that the choice of happiness can come more natural than the choice of anger or sadness. I want to be a person who doesn’t se giving up as an option.
Usually in my nightmares I give up. I don’t fight the fight because I’m too scared of loosing towards someone other than myself. So I put an end to things instead. I search the power of choice so that I don’t see myself in that way. I know that I can be that person, I just have to commit, and this is how I’m committing. This is how I learn how not to give up, and how to find happiness and balance in life. But don’t think that I for once believe that it is just as simple as just choosing every time. I fail constantly. Today I used all the swearwords I had stored in my vocabulary, many times. I banged shit and was completely exhausted when I got home. The power of choice wasn’t anywhere on my radar then. But I keep getting better and better, and I am open and curious to learning more and more about how to advance and become a better person.
My anger management coach that I went to when I was 13 taught me to calmly count down from 13 to 0 when I got upset. Every time I did it I always started to cry when I got to 3. I’m fire. Explosive. Sometimes with love. That kind of love that has no end to it. That kind of love that just screams to get out. And sometimes I explode with anger. My anger used to be uncontrollable when I was younger. It was painful. I panicked. I did not know what to do. Same with the love though. My emotions has always been super extreme. Like I have a tropical paradise kept inside of me. Sometimes there is going to be hectic thunder because of all the heat and sunshine. To uncharge. To reload. To Recharge.
Writing is a way for me to try to understand myself. It’s a conversation I keep with my brain, a dialogue with me myself and I. I try to make reason with how I act and feel just so that I can learn and get to know myself better. The calmer me can advise the explosive side, and the scared voice can get comfort in the confident one.
To me happiness is one of the most interesting subjects, because so many things depend on it in life. If you can be happy to be sad, happy when you are angry, happy with your emotions whatever they are… that’s like the meaning of life. And happy to me doesn’t mean to be constantly giggly, it mean to have a peace of mind in every situation. Happy to me is to be grateful, curious and eager to live. When I’m happy I’m content and in charge of my life. And I write to figure out how I can maximise the feeling of being a leader in the life that I’m living.