The last couple of days I’ve felt lost in who I am. Or maybe it’s not that I feel lost in who I am, I might just feel like I’m lost in what I do? The things I used to identify myself with isn’t what I identify myself with anymore. And if they aren’t, then who am I?
I know that this is only thoughts, but they drag me down. And I feel sad. I know that I can choose here, but it is quite hard to choose when you feel lost. This is when I need to believe in my choice the most. I feel like a fraud when I cannot manage to get myself out of this mindset. I understand that this is normal and that everyone feels like this from time to time, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
What would my dad have to say to all this? My dad would tell me to stop thinking. That our brains are designed to create problems where there isn’t any. He would tell me to just observe my thoughts as I observe the traffic outside. The cars come and the cars go. He would say that I am not my thoughts, and I am not my body, I am the space inside that is aware of the thoughts and the reality surrounding me. And I know that. And it makes it all a little easier, but it doesn’t make my future more secure. Maybe I’m scared that I’m not going anywhere. Maybe I’m just in need for a boost or something to show me that I’m heading in the right direction in life. Whatever that is?
Anyhow, I’m over complaining without doing, so this morning I did what I do when I feel like an unrisen dough; I went out for a run with some good music. To gain some endorphins and to just get my heart rate up. And then I walked strait into an ice cold shower. Shocking my body always seems to snap me out of the worst self-pettiness.
I try to be aware of the negative thoughts that show up in my brain and understand that they actually mean nothing. That they only mean something if I give them a meaning. There is my choice. I can choose to go with the unhappy, scared, negative thoughts and give them meaning in my life, or I can choose to observe them and let go of them and give meaning to something else in my life. Like love. And happiness.