Silent martyr

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I’m guilty of waiting around for change to happen to me, for others to change things for me.. I remember when I was younger and did gymnastics. We went on a camp for a week and I felt like the trainers was pushing us too hard, but I couldn’t say it. You know that feeling, I suppose it might be pride I’m talking about, when you want people to see that you are doing something until you crash. That they see that they make you do something until you crash. I wanted to faint so that the trainers would know that they pushed us too hard, but instead of pushing myself too hard I tried different breathing techniques so that I would faint. This is so ridiculous I’m hesitating to even write this. I didn’t faint, I was just grumpy and angry it would seem. I could’ve just used my voice, but then they would’ve  seen me as weak. I didn’t want to tell them. I wanted to show them.

The same theory can be applied to my life today too. I’m not walking around trying to faint instead of talking, but sometimes I’m too proud to ask for help or to say no to things. And when someone expect me to do something I find it hard to let that person or those people down. And to be honest I think that doesn’t come from a genuine place of caring all the time, I think it might be coming from a place of me being some kind of martyr. The ironic thing is that I never really do anything that martyr-like. People wouldn’t notice when I’m in my own head not asking for help or saying yes to things I should say no to. They wouldn’t for a second think that I sacrifice my time or body. They would think “sweet” and move on. And there I am, doing all this shit, thinking I’m over doing everything, without telling anyone and no one will notice, but me. I’m sure my gymnastic teachers just thought I was being grumpy and uneasy to have around the team when I was in this “martyr-mode”, never did they thing that they were pushing us to hard. Same rules apply today. So I have to swallow my stupid pride in situations like this and just understand that no-one will be affected by me staying true to what I want except me, in a positive way.

This behaviour or thinking pattern must come from a place where I compare myself with others. Instead of allowing others to be able to do more than I do in certain situations or areas in their life, without complaining, I go silently but angry and try to do the same, but I cannot do it without feeling like I’m sacrificing myself. I think that’s a good sign of not doing something;  when I think that I’m sacrificing my time or my body. Then I know that  I have to stop comparing myself to what others are doing and accept that I’m not where they are and I don’t have to be. We actually are different and we do handle all situations different. I just have to allow for this to be what it is, push myself where I feel happy to, and let others be better at things that doesn’t give me joy. Be proud of not doing everything. There is pride in that too.

The world isn’t depending on me, and even if it was, I couldn’t do everything alone either. That’s why people do better in groups – you support each other.

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