I am a person with many ideas. They don’t just pop up in my head to then disappear; they take over my whole body and mind. “This is it” I’ve thought so many times, and I’ve dived strait into doing everything in order for this idea to become reality, to become alive. Then suddenly, when the respons and support wasn’t what I expected, I’ve stopped and let the ideas go. I feel like I’ve failed my ideas so many times, and that make me feel genuinely sad and disappointed. It feels like I’ve failed myself.
I’ve always wanted to create something new. Create something that I’ll get recognition for. Something that will help people. But I keep failing to complete my ideas. I try so hard. And then I give up.
So now when I come up with something new, something that I for one moment believe in, I’m scared that I’ll give up on it. I’m scared that this is my idea of the month. That one that I think will be life changing, but that I then let go of because I can’t be fucked dealing with the practical side of it, aka the whole execution. It has come to the point where I sometimes wonder if I ever will be bold and gritty enough to follow through with any of my ideas. I fall down in self-pettiness. Thinking that I’m useless, that I don’t have what it takes.
And then I remember those ideas that I actually have followed through with. Like this blog for example. This blog was for a long time just an idea that I was too scared to pursue. But I have enjoyed writing, sharing and getting responses every day since I started Mymondaylove. There is a lot more things that I want to do with this blog and with my writing, but that hasn’t made me give up. Even though this isn’t perfect I have been willing to deal with all the set backs and keep writing in imperfection, because this is what I love. This is what makes me excited. Writing is what makes my time fly.
I can choose to shift the focus from looking at what dreams I haven’t pursued and instead look at what I actually have kept working and working on. When shifting the focus I start to remember more things that I have kept on doing that started out as just an idea and I realise that those other ideas, the ones I didn’t follow through with, are just stepping stones for me to jump on, deal with in order to find those things that really resonates with me. I have to be grateful for those ideas, and grateful that I lived through and with them for a couple of weeks but then let them go. They weren’t the right ones, but I learnt a lot from them, even though I’m not always able to see it. I needed them, and then I needed to let go of them in order for something new to take place. I haven’t failed myself. In fact, if I were to stick with something that wasn’t a hundred precent right I would be failing myself. If I stayed with something that wasn’t what I was genuinely interested in long term I would be failing my whole life. Because I want a life where I don’t have to pause, work, to then live. I want to live through what I truly love. So that’s what I will do.