Are we there yet?

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I can find it hard sometimes to appreciate where I am now because I know where I want to be. I have all these goals and dreams and it can be frustrating not to actually know how or if you will even get there. Some days I’m so convinced that I’ll make it, whatever “it” might be. And some days I just feel flat, wondering what the hell I’m doing with myself. I suppose this isn’t rare, and I suppose we all doubt ourselves from time to time. But how do we snap out of it?

I can get upset when people tell me to be grateful for what I actually have, in this moment. I have a job where I work with some of the funniest people I’ve ever met, I’ve got the best man in the world who make me feel safe and loved, and who I love so much I want to live on the other side of the world from my family and friends. I’ve now got two families who I love. I’ve got an apartment I love. And I should be grateful that I actually have goals and dreams. When I moved to Australia I had no idea what I even wanted to do with my life. I applied for like a million receptionist roles because that was all I knew, I don’t love sitting in a reception. I had no real passions except fitness and writing, and I was too afraid to have writing goals since English obviously isn’t my first language. So even if gratitude can be frustrating when someone else encourages you to practice gratitude, the truth is that it is so powerful and true. If we choose to see it, there is a lot to be grateful for, and that will give us a boost to carry on with what we are doing from where we are standing.

Confidence boosting is also something important for me when I feel stuck. I hear myself talk me down, saying that I’m only this or only that, I hear my self-doubts and I start comparing myself with others. I see what I haven’t got and what I’m not good at, and that creates a bad cycle down to victimization. Sometimes it brings me to a point of wanting to give up and go back to wishing to win the lottery.

But then, something always reminds me of the fact that those voices, and those thought aren’t the truth if I don’t believe in them. I create the truth here and it’s up to me to believe in me. I can sit forever and think about what I’m not, or I can become who I want to be. No one want to be that person who just complain about what they don’t have, at least that’s the opposite of who I want/choose to be. So I do whatever I need to do to overpower these voices and I do what I need to do with confidence and gratitude. Sometimes I need to write a list of all the things I’m good at, or of all the things I love in my life right now, sometimes I just have to tell myself to grow the fuck up and stop wining, and sometimes I need to feel sorry for myself for an hour or two, and then create a plan of how I can stop that pathetic behavior. Different days call for different methods you see.

The bottom line is that it can be frustrating not knowing what the future might bring, but the fact is that you create your future now, and thinking of what you don’t have is not going to get you what you want. Seeing opportunities and what you do have to work with now is going to get you closer to whatever it is that you want.

Being true to yourself

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Sometimes stubbornness is a real bitch. Or I’m a bitch, who knows? I can feel myself holding back. I hold back happiness and I hold back laughter sometimes just because I’m stubborn. I don’t know what I’m holding back from but sometimes it’s like I need to prove to people that I’m not a hundred precent aligned with what’s happening so even though I want to laugh and be happy my body need to prove some kind of point. My body is holding back. It’s stiff and frozen. When trying to break it down I realize that it’s grounded in a couple of factors. I’m on a different energy level as people around me, or I’m jealous of how easy life seems for other people, I compare myself with other people, or I’m trying to prove a point by acting like a shit instead of just speaking my thoughts. I’m simply not being true to myself.

I’ve always been known to be a talker. I find it hard to keep my mouth shut in most situations, not saying that I talk about shit I shouldn’t talk about, I more mean that I talk about anything and everything all the time. I can talk, and talk, and talk and talk and I often have to remind myself that silence actually is gold sometimes and that listening is something a kind person should do too. But when my speech freezes is when I feel something icky, when I feel that someone with authority might want me to act or do something that I’m not really agreeing with. Authority in this situation is everyone I respect and basically look up to. I loose that voice I can’t get rid of in every other situation and I cant find words to articulate my feelings. This make me sometimes do stuff I don’t agree with or act in a way that isn’t true to who I am. To be clear, I’m not talking about shoplifting or pier pressure actions, I’m more talking about small things like how I talk to certain people or behave in certain situations. And I can’t find the voice to say that this doesn’t feel authentic to me, or that this make me feel icky. I cant find the why something doesn’t agree with me so that make me feel like I’m not entitled to feel that way and I act in ways I don’t like to act.

I have no idea if this make sense to anyone, but I’m trying to figure out myself why I sometimes just can’t speak up for how I feel and be true to myself. Because that is what it all comes down to. I’m entitled to feel however I feel, and if something make me feel icky, that is ok, and being true to myself would be to just say that this doesn’t resonate with me, and maybe I don’t know why. I don’t have to know why to be able to feel. I can feel in my body when something doesn’t feel right, and to be honest, I trust my body a lot more than I trust my brain. So from now on, I’ll practise my speech even when it feels uncomfortable. I won’t shut down and try to make a point through just shutting down my body expressions. I will clear when something doesn’t resonate with me instead. Because to me, that is what being true to yourself actually is.

Bending the rules with wine and coffee

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The last few days have been a bit of a test for me. Or maybe even the past couple of weeks. From being super strict with what I allow myself to do I’ve slowly bent all of my rules to try and figure out how to balance it all. And with “it all” I at least think that I mean life. It’s easy to say no to everything. No to coffee, no to alcohol, no to relaxing, no to life. It’s easy to say no to going out for dinner and drinks because I know I’ll feel better the days after if I don’t. But the couple of months when I only said no, I also missed out on a lot of social connections that I thrive from.

So slowly I started to live more and more outside the “no-zone” and I felt that allowing myself to be a bit more spontaneous and easy with life made me happy. I’ve been loving listening to my body and only train if I feel like it, and I’ve been feeling so much more relaxed when it comes to actually living. And I’ve been good at finding a balance between relaxing and working.

The alcohol and coffee side of relaxing though has been more experimental, and I think that I much prefer my life as coffee and alcohol free as possible. Although I do enjoy one glass of wine once in a while I found that when I allow myself to have more my obsessiveness awakens, and I don’t enjoy the wine anymore, just the buzz. And that’s ok, but what I don’t enjoy at all is the days after where I feel out of wack. I feel like I’ve lost control over my health, body and mind and to me it’s simply not worth the “over-two-glasses-buzz” that I actually find enjoyable.

Life is full of lessons and sometimes we just have to relearn them to be able to enjoy what we do. I believe that we are constantly changing , so every once in a while it is important to question the way we live in order for us to understand if what we are doing is what we want to be doing. And for me bending the rules has made me appreciate less caffeine and alcohol in my life, because to me it’s not worth it feeling anxious and dull. I want to feel vibrant every day!

That body image shit again

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What even is that? It actually shouldn’t even be a thing. I hate body images, because they have and still do affect me a lot. If I listen I can hear how my brain is comparing me with everything there is to compare me with. Manikins, friends, models, my self. I compare myself with everything. Why do I do that?

It’s everywhere. In movies, in magazines, in real life. Diets, nutrition, work out plans or lack there of is all everyone talk about. Well, not really, but there is always someone you know who is up for a discussion about how to go about to look leaner.

Our world is full of contrasts. The same time we teach all our young girls that dieting is normal, complaining about our bodies is normal and being in love with ourselves is abnormal, we also get taught that looking after our bodies in the best possible way is extreme, and a bit too much out there.

Our society is based on eating crap and then diet with crappy techniques. Because I love to eat raw vegetables and avoid sugar and processed food people look at me as disciplined and extreme. But what they don’t know is that I’ve been the opposite, stuffed my face with fake sugars, diet cokes, processed things that say “low calories” and “no added sugar” and only lean proteins for years, and I’ve felt like shit. I wasn’t happy when I followed what was “normal”, so why is it extreme to live to make your body happy?

Not until I actually took a step back from my lifestyle of obsessive over-training and eating “fake-shit”, and started to understand my body’s biology, what it really needs and started to actually listen to that I could wrap my head around the whole body image thing. Because when I tried to achieve an “Ideal body” with crappy methods built on extremely biologically unnatural grounds, the way society push you to go about it, and I failed with frustration. I failed for ten years and felt like shit doing it.

But when I suddenly tried and put that “body image” aside, and focus on treating my body with respect, feed it what it truly craved, feed it what I would want my kids to eat, so many shifts happened inside of me. And I started to crave more of feeling good. What more could I do for my body? I can move a lot but only push myself when I know that it is what my body needs, not what my brain. And I can talk nicely to it. I make sure I get 7-8 hours of sleep every night, and every time I hear those comparing voices in my head I simply tell them to fuck off. Listening to them, and listening to societies “normal” rules when it comes to body image turned me into someone I didn’t want to be. It made me genuinely unhappy. I already love so much, and it’s time I truly love myself, without comparison. Just love me.

Cry for whatever reason

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Yesterday I came to work at 2. I’m having a couple of, to me, late night shifts which really stresses me out. I really value my dinner wined down time at home with Adrian and this week I have been busy with work almost every night. I don’t want to be that complaining person, but if there is anything that will get me it is that. I felt happy going to work though, listening to podcasts about hormones and longevity, by Chris Kresser, which I highly recommend if you are interested in anything nutrition and functional medicine related. Anyhow, as I walked in to work and hit the back room something just snapped inside me and I started crying uncontrollable, and I couldn’t understand why. So much for hormones, I can’t wait to see what I’ll be like when I get pregnant. I’m not even period-crying.

I cried until I had to start work, and I did look like a garden gnome, desperately trying to cover my red nose in concealer. The first ladies who walk into the fitting room are four ladies from Singapore. They are chatty and happy, and I bring them clothes to try on at the same time as I help some other ladies in there. I’m not feeling tip top but they entertained me and they made me happy. Then one of them ask how I always can be so happy, and I just started laughing, telling them that the minute before they came I just cried my eyes out in the back room for no reason. So I told them that after rain there will always be sun, and it’s exhausting fighting storms instead of just going with them. Sometimes we need to let out emotions out so that we can fill up with new fresh emotions. They laughed a lot, and me too. And I felt that that is actually true. After my tears, I felt like I had let something go, whatever it was it needed to leave my system, and I was ready to take the sun in.

There is no point being afraid of emotions, because they are all inside us. Suppressing them is only going to hit us with a bang when we least expect it. I love emotions, even though they sometimes doesn’t appear in the best of circumstances. But like the weather, you just gotta go with it.

Hard to be open minded

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One thing that I really try to work on is being open-minded. To be honest, I’m quite a closed minded person in most areas of my life, but the more I start to open up to new things and experiences I see that there is more to life than just my square scheduled reality. It is hard for me, to step outside of my everyday pattern, but every time I do so I walk away feeling uplifted and happy with myself.

But then, my square scheduled part of me doesn’t want to step out of my comfortable-ness. To be honest, it’s not like I have heaps of stuff scheduled, I more so have a lot of “scheduled time to do nothing” that I don’t want to loose. I need that time to myself, or at least my comfortable and cozy side of me need that time to do nothing. We have this amazing opportunity at work to go to a life coaching workshop weekend, which just screams “PICK ME PICK ME!!!” all over it, but because it’s a three-day thing where I have to be out in the city until 10pm I just can’t be bothered. Ant that is why I should go, I know. But that so interferes with my scheduling where it says “do nothing” on. Maybe this is super sad. I feel sort of sad when I write it. That I can’t get excited over something so cool, because it interferes with my do nothing time. Fuck it, I should just do it shouldn’t I?

It’s like a constant war going on inside my head between curiosity and safety. And I’m playing my life super safe in all areas, which part of me are sick of, and the other part of me love me for.

But I cannot always let the play it safe part of me win, because I’ll miss out on life. I have to honor my inner curiosity, and nourish it. Otherwise I’ll be one of those autopilot people who forget what it is like to actually live. I can have my routines 90% of the time, but I need to dedicate 10% of my time go to go and live outside of my safe square life. I need that to appreciate my safe place. I need that to live.

So I will do that thing, which hopefully can help figure out how to live and get more out of my life. Or not, but at least I lived out those 10% doing it.

Identity unknown

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I get attached to certain things. My whole life I’ve needed things to identify myself with. I don’t know if this is common? I used to identify myself with gymnastics when I was younger, I was a gymnast, then stripy clothes (even though I only owned one shirt), wearing two different socks was another thing I saw as a part of my identity for many years. I hang on to little things, constantly. Like I need something concrete to identify myself with. And that’s shit I recon. Or I don’t know? But shouldn’t it be enough with just being me?

Should I have to describe to the coffee guy that this is actually my only coffee this week, I don’t drink regular coffee normally, but today I feel like a buzz so I felt like a really strong real coffee. “ok”. Why do I feel the need to excuse myself? If I want a real coffee I’m not less me than if I have decaf. And If I don’t feel like waking up at 5am every morning to work out and be busy busy busy, I’m not less worth as a human, and as me. I’m still me, and I shouldn’t feel like I have to excuse myself. But most of the time I do, because I’ve attached myself to things, made them a part of me.

Most of the things I do become a part of who I believe that I am, and when I don’t feel like following them I feel like less of a person than if I would’ve followed my made up identity. Is this total insecurity? Why do I constantly try to grab a hold of things to identify myself with?

I now try to catch myself when I do so, when my thoughts tell me to make up an excuse for not following my made up identity and just let it go. I know that the coffee guy doesn’t care if I’m a coffee drinker or a decaf girl, and I know that I’m not worth less as a person if I some days just feel like a caffeine buzz. But why do I keep excusing myself?

Stop talking shit about yourself!

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I see it everywhere, a lot at work, but also everywhere in our society. Girls talking their bodies down in public, showing the younger girls how they should view their body. I complimented a girl on her legs yesterday. Not in a creepy way, I promise. She was in the fitting room at work and she had amazing legs I thought. I live by the rules of if I think something positive about another person I’ll say it to them. It rarely goes wrong. And why wouldn’t I give someone a compliment if it’s honest? It’s almost rude to be holding back on positive thoughts I recon. These were healthy legs, not starving skinny, this girl had a glow that to me indicated that she was treating her body with respect.

Strait when I told her that she had beautiful legs she said “oh no they are to stubby, I don’t like them”. To me, there was nothing “stubby” about her legs. She was an Australian size 8, a small if you’d like. This scenario shows how twisted our body image are.

First, maybe I shouldn’t compliment someone on their body, you can argue that that might start some kind of obsession or whatever. I don’t believe in that. If I see something pretty with another human, it can be their laugh, freckles, smile, voice or legs, I’ll say it because I think that we all get happy when we get an honest compliment.

Everyone is guilty for passing this on to each other

Second, this is crazy. But I also understand her. I’m in her shoes too a couple of times every month. On and off I look at my thighs with negativity, I look at my arms and stomach and compare my body with others. I’ve been taught to do so. Society have taught me to do so. Everyone is guilty for passing this on to each other. But we need to stop. We can’t walk around throwing shit at what we are, who we are. Because there is only you and it doesn’t matter how much negative shit you throw on yourself, you will still be you, just a less happy you.

You can starve, or over eat, or over-exercise or stop caring, but you will still be you. How can we start accepting who we are and just start caring for our bodies like we would if it was our child’s body? Or our best friends?

I would never tell my child that he/she had to stubby legs in order for them to be considered beautiful. I would never force him/her to get up every morning to do crazy workouts in order to deserve food. I would never allow him/her to talk bad about their body. Because I would only see beauty. I would make sure that my child got the best food to create energy and a happy body environment, and move, play, exercise with only pleasure.

We have to stop talking shit about ourselves. Because in doing so we teach each other to do the same, and so we all just walk around loving and wishing we were anyone but the person we actually are. And that’s sad.

Look after your mind

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I listened to this beautiful TED talk yesterday, about emotional hygiene, and it struck me that we actually never learn how to deal with our emotions. We might get taught how to handle our minds at a later stage in our life, if it’s considered necessary. Like if you act out or get depressed. And when we think it is necessary is when our minds finally have had enough, we cant bare it much longer and it starts to show on the outside. Then society thinks that it’s appropriate to teach you how to deal with your emotions. Not if you are just “normal”. When we are young we get taught that all emotions doesn’t fit in everywhere. We get in trouble if we are angry or sad when we are in public. Happiness is for the public; sadness and anger are for loneliness, when no one is there. Be happy and behave is the common ground for kids, that’s where they all should meet. And in school if you are angry and act out, you get written up and yelled at.

It’s not that crazy to understand why the world is crazy. Guy Winch talks about how we get taught as kids to look after our bodies. Brush our teeth and disinfect and put bandage on wounds, but we never get taught how to take care of our minds. What happens if you feel sad but don’t know why you are sad? Or when you feel lonely even when you are surrounded by people? How do you deal with anger and depression? This is foreign ground for so many of us, and we have to try to figure this shit out ourselves. No wonder so many people self medicate with drugs, alcohol or other obsessions. We get taught to nurse a wound with alcohol and bandages. There must be something similar for emotions, right?

You don’t have to be depressed to benefit from knowing how to take care of your mind. If we brush our teeth twice per day, shower with soap and put lotion on once per day, shouldn’t we do the same to our mind? Clean it our, freshen it up, nurse it.