I get attached to certain things. My whole life I’ve needed things to identify myself with. I don’t know if this is common? I used to identify myself with gymnastics when I was younger, I was a gymnast, then stripy clothes (even though I only owned one shirt), wearing two different socks was another thing I saw as a part of my identity for many years. I hang on to little things, constantly. Like I need something concrete to identify myself with. And that’s shit I recon. Or I don’t know? But shouldn’t it be enough with just being me?
Should I have to describe to the coffee guy that this is actually my only coffee this week, I don’t drink regular coffee normally, but today I feel like a buzz so I felt like a really strong real coffee. “ok”. Why do I feel the need to excuse myself? If I want a real coffee I’m not less me than if I have decaf. And If I don’t feel like waking up at 5am every morning to work out and be busy busy busy, I’m not less worth as a human, and as me. I’m still me, and I shouldn’t feel like I have to excuse myself. But most of the time I do, because I’ve attached myself to things, made them a part of me.
Most of the things I do become a part of who I believe that I am, and when I don’t feel like following them I feel like less of a person than if I would’ve followed my made up identity. Is this total insecurity? Why do I constantly try to grab a hold of things to identify myself with?
I now try to catch myself when I do so, when my thoughts tell me to make up an excuse for not following my made up identity and just let it go. I know that the coffee guy doesn’t care if I’m a coffee drinker or a decaf girl, and I know that I’m not worth less as a person if I some days just feel like a caffeine buzz. But why do I keep excusing myself?