Sometimes stubbornness is a real bitch. Or I’m a bitch, who knows? I can feel myself holding back. I hold back happiness and I hold back laughter sometimes just because I’m stubborn. I don’t know what I’m holding back from but sometimes it’s like I need to prove to people that I’m not a hundred precent aligned with what’s happening so even though I want to laugh and be happy my body need to prove some kind of point. My body is holding back. It’s stiff and frozen. When trying to break it down I realize that it’s grounded in a couple of factors. I’m on a different energy level as people around me, or I’m jealous of how easy life seems for other people, I compare myself with other people, or I’m trying to prove a point by acting like a shit instead of just speaking my thoughts. I’m simply not being true to myself.
I’ve always been known to be a talker. I find it hard to keep my mouth shut in most situations, not saying that I talk about shit I shouldn’t talk about, I more mean that I talk about anything and everything all the time. I can talk, and talk, and talk and talk and I often have to remind myself that silence actually is gold sometimes and that listening is something a kind person should do too. But when my speech freezes is when I feel something icky, when I feel that someone with authority might want me to act or do something that I’m not really agreeing with. Authority in this situation is everyone I respect and basically look up to. I loose that voice I can’t get rid of in every other situation and I cant find words to articulate my feelings. This make me sometimes do stuff I don’t agree with or act in a way that isn’t true to who I am. To be clear, I’m not talking about shoplifting or pier pressure actions, I’m more talking about small things like how I talk to certain people or behave in certain situations. And I can’t find the voice to say that this doesn’t feel authentic to me, or that this make me feel icky. I cant find the why something doesn’t agree with me so that make me feel like I’m not entitled to feel that way and I act in ways I don’t like to act.
I have no idea if this make sense to anyone, but I’m trying to figure out myself why I sometimes just can’t speak up for how I feel and be true to myself. Because that is what it all comes down to. I’m entitled to feel however I feel, and if something make me feel icky, that is ok, and being true to myself would be to just say that this doesn’t resonate with me, and maybe I don’t know why. I don’t have to know why to be able to feel. I can feel in my body when something doesn’t feel right, and to be honest, I trust my body a lot more than I trust my brain. So from now on, I’ll practise my speech even when it feels uncomfortable. I won’t shut down and try to make a point through just shutting down my body expressions. I will clear when something doesn’t resonate with me instead. Because to me, that is what being true to yourself actually is.