Monthly Archives: October 2016

My shit writing is going to get better

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I know that my writing isn’t perfect in any way, except in my own way. I use the wrong words, my grammar is nowhere even close to perfect and there are a lot of things I could do better. Like going through my posts before I upload them to avoid printing mistakes, to name one. But I’m semi lazy and I lean back on the fact that this blog is mine, and I like imperfection. I embrace imperfection. I don’t care about grammar as long as I get the core message across. The reality is though, that other people do. I know so many grammar-polices out there who get physically frustrated when a sentence is a bit off, or when you add or forget an “s” somewhere. Who express hate to the miss-use of the language. Each to their own I say.

Some of my goals are to be able to write for a living, and create a book. Maybe two? And I realized, when I recently got the feedback on my writing that my shit-grammar actually is a bit of a problem if writing is what I’m aiming for, that I cant hide behind my open love for imperfection all my life. I love imperfection because it is easy and I don’t have to put in time to learn the rules of the English grammar. I thought for a couple of seconds after I received that feedback that maybe writing isn’t for me, but at least I tried. Then I stopped myself. Because I do love it – creating stories with words. I’m just too scared to fail and to lazy to learn. As most of you probably have realized by now; grammar wasn’t my favorite subject in school. I realized that if I want to keep writing and achieve my goals with writing as a profession I have some work to do, and I realized that I actually want to do it. I want to learn because I want to get better because in the end; I love to write, and I want to write.

Sometimes I like to take the easy way out, I don’t want to put in the hard work, but when it’s something that will bring me closer to my passion, why would I even consider not trying to get better?

Five minutes after I received the constructive feedback that hit my stomach like a space-stone and made me doubt my passion, I signed up for an English language semester at a university, because fuck it. Because why not?

Set backs and challenges are amazing in a way, because they make you re-consider if what you are doing, why you are doing it, and if what you are working towards actually is what you want to do with your life. It make you question your “why” and force you to either give up or leave the space of feeling sorry for yourself and take you into the space of “bring it on, I’m going to do what it takes to achieve what I want.” Ant that shift my friends, that’s kind of a cool feeling.

I’m better than I portray myself, are you?

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When something challenges me to get outside of my comfort zone or when someone challenges me, I get a knot in my stomach, or a bit above it. A solar plexus knot. I’m not talking about challenges like “chug a liter of milk” or “run a marathon”. I’m talking about the challenges where I have to prove what I’m capable of doing. Like going for a new job, taking on a new task and I have to put in a piece of me into a project.

That feeling has made me crumble, more than once. My inner critic tells me that I will crumble, that I won’t be able to perform and that I’m not good enough at what I do. I have doubt.

I then realize, that I’m actually so much better than I portray myself. I keep making myself smaller than I am, to fit in. I talk myself down because I think that it’s classy to know your faults and to be aware of what you aren’t good at. And it probably is good to know what you need to work on, but when I focus too much on what I need to work on I start to only see what I’m lacking. I totally miss what I’m actually brilliant at. I forget what an asset I can be, and I feel insecure. I feel safe when I know that people know that I already know what I’m not brilliant at. And I’m scared that they won’t see what I see the things that I’m good at. I’m scared that people will think that I’m stupid. Really, that’s it.

So often I hear people say, “don’t care about what other people think of you” and I think and believe that I actually don’t care. I am loud, and I am honest, I say what I think without trying to please others constantly, I can laugh at myself and I am rarely ashamed of making mistakes. But just then I realized that there are other areas where I care so much that I’m scared to act. Like creating things for others, creating experiences for others, committing to something at work and believing that I can actually do this and talk confidently to what I’m doing and why I’m doing this. I care what others think of me so much I prefer not to do them. Because I’m scared. Scared of being looked upon as stupid.

But seriously, fuck them. I’m not going to get anywhere in life if I keep making myself smaller, talk myself down and being scared of failing. Who cares if someone were to actually think that I’m stupid? It wouldn’t actually make any difference to my life at all. It actually doesn’t matter. I’m tall, fun and smart, I’m good at what I’m interested in and I have a lot to give. No matter what other people think I am still going to be the same. It doesn’t change anything. So I’m going to do what I do with my head up high and with the confidence I owe myself and deserve. Because seriously, stupid would be not to.

 

 

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The part of me I leave behind

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Forever I have identified myself with my past. I’ve been proud to have been through so many emotional struggles. I’ve been grateful for what life has taught me even though I remember how much I hated parts of my life in the moments. I look back at my life and I feel for myself, and I wish that I could rewind the clock and share with me what I now know. And in one way I can. I can share what I know by listening to the lessons life has taught me, and act with that knowledge, use that knowledge as I keep on walking through life. Because I owe it to my younger self.

As I sat on the tram, going to work I was facing the back of the tram. I saw the path we had been traveling on, leaving it behind and I realised that those moments disappear as the second I leave them behind. Every second I leave time of me behind, parts of me behind, to history. My history. As much as I know that I need to focus on the road ahead and not get tangled up and analyse or over-analyse what’s left in the past I realized that in every second of my life, our lives, we create a moment we will leave behind only to remember. I look at the road I’ve been traveling on and hope that I can learn from the mistakes I’ve made, the lessons I’ve been taught and look back and see all these moments and use them to be proud on my journey forward. I’m done making myself smaller to fit in. I’m done talking myself down and apologizing for who I am and what I want to do and choose to do with my life. I’m proud as I walk forward through my life. I have to be, because I owe that to my future self.

Fuck you, inner critic!

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At our staff meeting the other day we had to confront things that we believe is true about ourselves and the life we live and lead, and question if that’s the only possible truth. We got to confront our inner critic, the one telling us that we cannot make it, that we aren’t good enough and invite some self love and… faith. I invited a new voice, one that says that if everyone can do something I actually can too. Seriously, there is a lot of things that I’m capable of, probably anything I want to do I can do if I put in the time, effort and ask the right people for help, connect with the right people. Every time my inner critic question my capability, this voice of possibility needs to speak louder, and openly question what the critic is saying. I did name her Psycho-Berta so that it will be clearer to actually have a conversation with her up there. When she tell me I can, when she question my capability, my voice of possibility and truth can tell her t shut the fuck up. It makes it easier to track her. Put her in check.

Other things came up, important things, that I’ve known but not really questioned.

“I have to or else I will get…(insert negative feelings).” I use these types of phrases a lot, and I have throughout my whole life. “I have to eat clean all the time or I’ll get fat”, “I have to workout every day or I’ll get fat”, “I have to go to bet at 9pm or I’ll get tired the day after”, “I can’t do anything after work because I will be happier at home”, “Carbs make me fat”, “I haven’t got what he/she has got so I can stop trying to achieve greater things”, “I can’t stop eating once I start”, “I will never love my body”.

These are the things that Psycho-Berta keeps telling me, and I believe her. Why? Because over time we gather up evidence that confirm that what psycho B is saying is true. Not only do I gather proof of her correctness, I look for it. And whatever you look for, you find if you believe that it’s there. Over time these believes become more and more true and it builds the life I live. So I walk around living, but with all these self made restrictions. Restrictions that actually is holding me back from living.

So, lets play with the idea that Psycho-Berta is full of shit and flip everything she tells me. “I eat what I need to nourish my body and what I feel like it needs”, “I work out only when I know my body needs to, and want to”, “I go to bed when I’m tired”, “I do what I want, when I want it”, “Food with carbs can be beneficial and provide nutrition and pleasure”, “I have got whatever everyone else have. I can do whatever I want to achieve if I’m willing to put in the time it will take to achieve it”. “I eat when I’m hungry and I quit when I’m full and content”. “I love my body”.

See there. That’s possibility. That’s living. And that’s everything I think of other people. What I think others can do, I will now act as if I can too, because I can.

 

Love to all the world, and a big fuck you to Psycho Berta!

I choose the scenic route

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We take life too serious

I mean, life is a big deal, life. There is not a life, there’s the life. Yolo. What are we suppose to do with it? What is right and what is wrong? What is right for me? And how the fuck do you even know? Ever.

I’ve made a choice, and that is to have fun living. I’m not going to listen to all bullshit musts and should. It’s not for me. I need to live a life where I can choose what to do with my time. If there is anything that I’ve learnt in life it is that people want you to correct yourself after their guidelines, after what they think is right or wrong, but that doesn’t mean that what is right for them is right for me.

I want to live a life where I can be anywhere and still feel like I have a purpose. A life where I do what I do because I genuinely love it.

I have spent a lot of time trying to fit in and tried to do what I thought that other people wanted from me and that has taught me that the only thing that generates is stress and insecurity. There will always be someone who think that you are doing the wrong thing, and there will always be someone who tries to get you onboard on their mission train. I’ve learnt that I will not get any happier by pushing myself too hard, by comparing myself with others or by trying to achieve things that might be “right on paper”. I get happy when I’m just listening to what I need. Doing what make me happy. Fun stuff you know, life.

There is a million directions you can go in life. A fucking million. I need to walk somewhere where I can look around and get inspired, and where I feel like I can influence the neighborhoods. I’m choosing the pleasant road, the scenic route. The highway is not for me.

Do what excites you, when you can!

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Last Monday I felt like I had no energy to choose happiness. I wasn’t sad or angry, I was just flat. I couldn’t even be bothered putting my flatness into words. But I did it anyway, because what is Monday love without Monday love right? I wrote about being in bed feeling like I brought last nights shitty mood with me into the new day, and how I simply wanted all grumpiness I carried inside me to disappear so that I could feel light, happy and bubbly again. I thought about all my musts and should and as much as I know I would be proud of myself if I dealt with them all today I didn’t want to do anything whilst I was feeling like that. If I start doing things that should be fun when I’m in a bad mood, nothing good will come from it. Chances are I will feel sorry for myself for “having to” do all of this on my day off, rather than feeling inspired to do them. I decided that I will only do happy things today, run a little, go out for lunch with the family, have frozen yoghurt, and do some shopping. No musts. Once I cleared my calendar for the day, went out for some sprint training and had a shower I actually felt like dealing with some of my tasks. And I ended up being quite productive because I only had a small window to deal with them in.

I have taken on a couple of more things than I usually have to deal with at the same time, and there is no point of doing any of them if I will complain while I do them. I’ve taken each of them on because at some point they excited me, and if they don’t anymore, well, I shouldn’t do them. The meaning of life is to do things that make you happy and excited, sometimes you have to deal with stuff that might not make you happy, but when you have a choice, choose what make you excited.

You know me, busy busy!

A lot of fun and exciting things happening in my life at the moment. Fun job opportunities, moving into a new place, I’m reading a course in communicating food and nutrition, and I’ve got heaps of other exciting projects going on on the side . Sometimes I feel like I have all the time for everything, but at the moment I feel like time is creeping up on me. One beautiful thing with this blog I realized is that I do this for me. This is my little sanctuary, my oasis and therapy, and as much as I want to write everyday I have to be realistic with my time and also keep this fun so that I’ll keep loving it as much as I do. I don’t want to make this a self-created burden. It’s mine to love. I will keep writing as often as possible, but if I’m not uploading my emotional untangling posts as frequent as one might hope over the next couple of weeks, until we settle in in our new home, you know why.

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I am good enough!

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Am I doing enough or do I need to try harder?

When and how do we know that we are doing enough? I always feel like I could do so much more, but I value time to do nothing a lot as well. I don’t want to be constantly busy. I need balance. I need to pause and breath. Quite often actually. But then I see what other people are up to, I start comparing myself with everyone again and I feel like the laziest person on earth. We can do something to get to where we want to be in every awaken minute of the day, but will that actually take us further than if we do what we feel comfortable with doing? I suppose that this is all aligned with what we value in life. I couldn’t live a life where I work most days and keep working after work, missing out on most dinners with Adrian because I’m chasing some dream, because my dream is also here and now, living our life. If I’m constantly trying to get somewhere, get to the future I’ll miss out on life here and now, and that’s important to me, and to our relationship.

And I know that right now I’m living how I want to live, now, even though I know that in the future I have a dream about something else with Adrian, we will have a big house and fly business class all over the world. You know, so that I can stretch out my restless legs when I’m visiting Sweden three months every year. I’m scared sometimes that I have to choose one or the other. But how do you know? How do you know if what your are putting in is enough? Am I good enough?

I am good enough! We all need to know that. I have doubted myself my whole life, and doubt has been familiar. Doubt has been what I knew. I have never known what it’s like not to doubt. I never thought I was good enough for my friends, I never thought I was good enough for my family, I thought that I had to earn the reason to feel good through perfect grades in school, I didn’t think that I looked good enough. The list goes on and on and on. I realized this listening to Marisa Peer, actually after I started writing this post. I didn’t youtube “how to be good enough”, I just remembered hearing the name and thought I’d see what she was all about. And like the universe works, I got the answers to my questions without even knowing that I was asking. So I am good enough. I don’t have to do anything to earn the right to feel like I’m good enough. I am enough just by being me.

Of course I’ve had a bad body image my whole life. I haven’t thought that I’m good enough if I don’t look a certain way. I’ve compared myself and tried to become someone else because I haven’t felt like I’m good enough the way I am. We live in a society where we are surrounded by people who all talk themselves down. We talk about ourselves like we aren’t good enough. That’s what’s familiar. That’s what’s normal. We grow up surrounded by a reality of people who all think that they aren’t good enough. I say enough to that. I have had enough! My goal in life is to change this, and make it normal to feel like we are all good enough for this world. We don’t have to constantly do, perform, look amazing in order to be enough for this world. We are enough just by being. I am good enough. Yesterday I wrote that on all the mirrors at work, because I want everyone to know that they are enough, just the way they are.