I just want to be happy. That’s all I want. And I am happy, most of the times. Happiness to me isn’t always about laughing and smiling; it’s about some sort of deeper content-ness. It’s about feeling that I’m making the best of my life. Happiness is accepting what I have here and now and at the same time working on creating the best possible future. This is all an balancing act. How do I know that I’m doing enough in the moment so that I can be content in the future?
It’s the same with my body. I just want to be happy with it, without obsess. I want to live an easy life without pushing myself too hard. I want to carry myself with pride. I don’t want to count every calorie that goes in and out of my body. I just want to live. I just want to be happy. Some people live for a sport and fitness is so important to maintain a certain physic level to make the team. For me I want fitness to be about happiness. That’s why I cannot over or under do it. When I need to work out every day I feel useless if I haven’t pushed my body hard enough, and if I don’t do anything at all I feel… slow and a bit sluggish.
I work out to feel good, but it’s also a superficial thing. I want to look good.
Why does body image matter so much to me? I mean, is it this mind occupying for everyone? I feel like I have changes though. It’s not that overwhelming anymore. It doesn’t occupy my mind all the time. “What does my body look like in this angle?”
I actually feel pretty relaxed in my body at the moment, finally. Even if I’m not one hundred percent happy with every inch of it all the time, I can still live with myself without stressing too much over it. I can laugh at what I’m not happy with, and I can joke and take a joke without panic, which is kind of new. If anyone joked with me about my body fat or eating a couple of months ago I would feel sick, ugly and fat, but now I can take a joke and laugh at myself. That’s worth celebrating I think. I thought that the world had to change and stop making jokes, but it turned out that I could change and take a joke. And I love me for getting to that point.
It’s like this Caroline Mchugh said on a ted talk; Even in the stormiest of days the sky is bright blue underneath. Sometimes the sky is beautiful, creating rainbows, and sometimes it’s gray and gloomy. The sky can see the impermanence of the clouds and the rainbow. We need, like the sky find a state of mind where we can realize that behind all the temporary clouds and rainbows there is something still, and that is you. Because you are like the sky, always bright blue underneath, no matter what you might look like one day or what you might be surrounded by on another. You are you, like the sky is the sky. Always.