I say welcome to the rest of my life!

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I have never really felt for new years resolutions. I’ve made so many that I just thought sounded good so that I would have something cool or clever to say if somebody actually asked me. I haven’t felt that new years will bring anything new really, other than trying to remember to put the right year when I sign papers (because I sign a lot of shit on a daily basis….?).

Well this year is a little different. I feel like I’m mentally in the next year already though and my newfound love for astrology tells me that it has got something to do with the new moon arriving early. I read that 2017 is the year of the 9, which means that it is the new beginning and we finally leave the last nine years behind us. Now is the actual start on something new. For me this is kind of cool on a couple of levels. This last month I actually figured out what I want to do with my life. It’s a big question, but I can feel in my whole body that it is the right thing to do for me. Writing has been a dream of mine for so long but I’ve always looked at it as a side project, I haven’t trusted that I can actually do what I want for a living. A month a go I realized that I could say fuck you to myself and go with what I actually want to do, why would I do anything else if this is what I love?

I say good bye to 9 years of obsessive living, eating disorders, self hate. I say hi to a calm, thoughtful and nourishing life where I value life, love and happiness and where I feel like I am a valuable person. I welcome a life where I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I welcome the exploration of what that looks like. I welcome a life where I don’t have to prove myself to anyone (can you say that?), instead I will put the focus and effort that I have put into proving myself to others towards proving to myself that I can be whoever I want to be.

This year I feel like I have finally arrived in myself. It has taken me almost 26 years to figure myself out and now, fucking finally, I feel like I understand myself and I can love and respect my thoughts and emotions. I can also distance myself from my thoughts and be an observer, which has been impossible for me until now. I used to be so caught up in my chaos that there was no exit. No break.

This last few months I gained a new friend, and that friend is me. This year, and the rest of our lives me and me are going to have so much fucking fun! Because we love that… and why not?

Christmas thoughts, love and shit!

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My Christmas list growing up used to be pages and pages long. I was a needy person. Not just in a materialistic sense, but also in an emotional sense. I needed attention, things, love, things, acknowledgement, things and all shit stuff that was on the commercial. Both of my brothers were the opposite. When I cried because I thought that I had gotten too little gifts they cried because they’d got things they didn’t need. They didn’t cry because they wanted other things instead but because they didn’t want mum and dad to use all their recourses on things that they didn’t really need. This scenario actually happened probably sixteen years in a row. One million gifts were never enough for me.

When I think about it now I wonder why I was never satisfied. Even as a small child my mum couldn’t take me shopping for cabbage without me pulling a tantrum in the middle of the shampoo isle because I’d seen a colourful *insert whatever the fuck you want* that I felt like I needed with my whole body. It could even be a cat toy my body screamed for, and I didn’t even have a cat. Whatever was there I needed.

As I start breaking this down now, older and wiser, I hope, I realise that I probably was broken already from the start. I was an energetic child with so many emotions that I had a hard time grounding myself and really focus on one thing within. It comes with some kind of impulsiveness and anxiousness of a colourful emotional life. With no colour exclusions. I guess that I didn’t realise that emotions were things I could grasp and I needed external things to be able to connect to my emotions. It’s sort of like music and when you feel like you need a soundtrack to your mood.

Both my brothers always pursued their inner passions and got an outlet for their creativity; they made music, films and amazing drawings and I just didn’t know how to connect to my inner… spirit? I always felt like I had something to prove, people to prove, and I didn’t know how to do that. I needed things to define me because I had no idea how to define who I was without them. Because how can you define something you don’t know?

I should probably point out that my parents didn’t give in to my tantrums in stores. They didn’t spoil me with anything other than love, but still, I acted like the stereotypical lonely child of divorced parents.

I now wonder when I am a parent and if I get a child like myself what I can do to support? How can I help my child to find peace? How can I make my child understand that material things isn’t what should define you? How can you make a lost child connect with his/hers inner emotional life and find peace and confidence in just being? How can you make a child express their inner emotions through life and not suppressing them?

Life is a lot of things and it is different depending on who is looking and when. Many people, me included, used to see only what we didn’t have or didn’t get instead of what we had and actually did get. I had so much love surrounding me, but I couldn’t see it, because I wasn’t in contact with my inner spirit. Or maybe my spirit hadn’t yet arrived to see it? But now I see the fact that I am now able to see and that make me grateful to say the least. I see what I’ve got and I see what I have to give, and now I honestly know that that has always been on top of my list, even if I couldn’t see it then.

Confident people live with love

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My whole life I have lived trying to be myself, which to me means that I have lived my life doing what I enjoy. Being yourself to me means that you can express your thoughts and spending your time the way you want to without caring about the consequences. My struggle have been that I at the same time tried my best to be accepted of different people. I wanted people to like me so much that I was willing to sacrifice parts of me in order to get accepted. I did things that I thought I needed to do to fit into certain groups and I talked about what I thought was appropriate to talk about in these groups. My question to myself is; why did I care about what other people thought of me when I didn’t find what they cared about important at all? Why did I spend so much time trying to fit in to a group that didn’t care about anything I cared about? I simply don’t understand why I wanted to be liked and approved by them?

I just didn’t trust in my own ability to live my life. I thought that I needed to be more like other people to get anywhere in life. I didn’t believe in me, and that’s super sad.

What is it in our brains that make us try to be someone we are not just to be approved by groups of people that might not have the same values as us? I don’t know. I just know that my mission is to to make people understand that it is a waste of your time and life trying to please other people. I realized as soon as I stopped focusing on trying to be somebody that I thought that other people wanted me to be and trying to be more who I wanted to be things slowly started to get clearer for me.

You know how people tell you to listen to yourself, what you want and what you need, I believe that you cannot listen in to yourself if you are to busy trying to listen into what other people are doing. You have to stop comparing, get rid of all your made up expectations, be still and just trust that you are good enough with your own way of living. If somebody freezes you out or can’t stand you f you are not doing what they want you to do it is only because they needed you to confirm that what they were doing was right, and if you don’t do it their way then that makes them feel lost.

Confident people can see and value other peoples individuality. They don’t listen to what other people say is right or wrong. Confident people never tell other people to make them self smaller in order to fit in in. I believe that confident people hang out with people that live with love and happiness and see freedom in life. And that’s all I want. Freedom and love.

Self love

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That’s where it all starts. That’s where and when all the magic happens. When you love yourself you can start loving others and the world around you, for real. I get that now. I get that when you love yourself you defend yourself – that’s what standing up for yourself mean to me. You know when you talk you down, and you can stop and call bullshit. Or when someone comes with a truth that you don’t agree with, and you speak your mind, instead of just follow orders. That is standing up for yourself, to me.

Self love is when you nurse your own body like it was your child’s. It’s when you listen to its needs of sleep, nutrition, movements and love.

Self love to me is when you have a dream or a goal you desire to achieve and you believe in you and you do everything you need to do in order to get there. That is self love to me; when you believe in you.

Self love to me is when you just are and you are happy with that. You don’t always “have to be…” to be happy. That is peace of mind calling, and when you love yourself; that’s exactly what you will find.

Self love to me is doing things, using your inner strengths, whatever they may be, and not settling for the safe and the known, because you trust in your ability to do whatever you need, want and aspire to do.

Self love to me is looking at the whole picture, admire the whole picture and understand that the image doesn’t end with the frames.