I have never really felt for new years resolutions. I’ve made so many that I just thought sounded good so that I would have something cool or clever to say if somebody actually asked me. I haven’t felt that new years will bring anything new really, other than trying to remember to put the right year when I sign papers (because I sign a lot of shit on a daily basis….?).
Well this year is a little different. I feel like I’m mentally in the next year already though and my newfound love for astrology tells me that it has got something to do with the new moon arriving early. I read that 2017 is the year of the 9, which means that it is the new beginning and we finally leave the last nine years behind us. Now is the actual start on something new. For me this is kind of cool on a couple of levels. This last month I actually figured out what I want to do with my life. It’s a big question, but I can feel in my whole body that it is the right thing to do for me. Writing has been a dream of mine for so long but I’ve always looked at it as a side project, I haven’t trusted that I can actually do what I want for a living. A month a go I realized that I could say fuck you to myself and go with what I actually want to do, why would I do anything else if this is what I love?
I say good bye to 9 years of obsessive living, eating disorders, self hate. I say hi to a calm, thoughtful and nourishing life where I value life, love and happiness and where I feel like I am a valuable person. I welcome a life where I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it, and I welcome the exploration of what that looks like. I welcome a life where I don’t have to prove myself to anyone (can you say that?), instead I will put the focus and effort that I have put into proving myself to others towards proving to myself that I can be whoever I want to be.
This year I feel like I have finally arrived in myself. It has taken me almost 26 years to figure myself out and now, fucking finally, I feel like I understand myself and I can love and respect my thoughts and emotions. I can also distance myself from my thoughts and be an observer, which has been impossible for me until now. I used to be so caught up in my chaos that there was no exit. No break.
This last few months I gained a new friend, and that friend is me. This year, and the rest of our lives me and me are going to have so much fucking fun! Because we love that… and why not?