Fuck that guilt!

Monday morning run in St Kilda <3

For the first time in ages the alarm was set on 5.23am. I put my alarm on too, in sympathy and empathy for Adrian, even though I don’t go back to work until tomorrow. My eyes were stinging and a part of me just wanted for us to be able to fall back into bed, with our fresh bed sheets and just smile for a while. But it also felt okay not to. This time off work we have done exactly what we have wanted. Not what we should’ve, could’ve would’ve. We asked and listened. Feelings of guilt for not doing shit didn’t belong with us, thank god, I am done with guilt.

“What is the right thing to do, you tell me!”

Guilt has been one of my primary emotions growing up, always scared of doing the “wrong” thing. Always scared of what others thought of me. Always scared of hurting peoples feelings. I felt so much guilt for being, choosing and doing that I think I lost my willpower and self trust at a young age. I got paralysed and I begged people:  What is the right thing to do, you tell me!

I took this opportunity to fight my guilt, and I feel as if I’ve got the upper hand. When I feel guilt appear in my body I try to understand where it comes from, not just give in to it and do as it force me to do. Sometimes it takes meditation, writing, music, walking, running, contemplating, drawing to understand the source of the guilt, which often relieves me from it. I feel as if guilt is a mechanism that tries to keep you in line with society. It’s a kind of force that can be used on you so that you do what other people want you to do or do the same as other people.

I’m not talking about guilt that one might feel if someone else’s feelings actually have been hurt, I think that is the purpose of guilt – to make us feel empathy for one another. I’m talking about the guilt that lingers in my body when I sleep in, when I see other people work out and I’m resting my body, when I compare myself with others who are busy working hard with stuff I’m not interested in, or the guilt of not doing what someone want you to do because you mightn’t believe it is the right thing to do but you still feel guilty for not doing it. I’m talking about that kind of guilt. That’s the one I’ve been fighting for the last couple of weeks, and I have loved it.

It made me realise how much time I’ve spent doing shit that isn’t really worth anything for me, anymore. And it has gained me so much time to actually being the person I need to be, because I’ve learnt to listen, feel and go with the flow without trying to control every minute of the day. My stress levels has more than halved, stress is now a rarity- when it used to be my engine. It has freed me from thinking that I have to be anything other than what I am at the moment, and that is a big victory.

Don’t live with guilt as the engine, live with your emotions of excitement, love and freedom. Don’t give in to the pressure and think you “should” do this or that.

How do YOU want to live, and how will you do it? 

MY DAD AND I <3

From age ten to twenty dad had to sit next to me when I was studying. I told him that it was time and he sat down to help me with everything from Spanish to bouncing ideas (or be my ballplank as we say in Sweden). He never complained or said “not now” or “can we do that after…” etc. He was always happy to help. One might think that he cared about what grades I got with stuff he had invested his time to help me understand, but no. Maybe he knew that I had put the effort in and didn’t care if I got a good or bad grade, maybe he didn’t actually car at all. I think that I have wanted my parents to care about my grades in school more, maybe I wanted to have to be pushed to do shit, but I didn’t need to be pushed. I pushed myself because I saw achievements in school as something good to identify myself with. My self worth and love was dependent on good achievements and it didn’t make sense to me that my parents actually didn’t care of how well I performed in school.

I have been like a bee growing up. A strong will, a lot of anger and emotions. I was tricky to raise, I’ve understood, and with the years anxiety and depression flew through me like birds who gathers fish in the ocean. In and out. Naturally I have been looking for my depressing energetic inheritance on my mothers’ side. And that might well have been the source to that kind of energy. Once I had dived deep into trying to understand my mothers energetic past I gained some peace. But I was still almost completely lost and restless.

Something happened to me in the second half of 2016. A calm source started to run through my body and mind. Like I had found a new tap to open up a now flow within.

My relationship with my dad have always been a solid one. We have been besties in silence. Cooking, walking and reading together, but there have always been this friction between us. Like we have been so much alike in our incompleteness that instead of finding a way to work together as a team to find peace of mind we have stirred the pot by accusing the other of doing the things we also know that we are doing to ourselves.

I have been worrying about my dads’ lack of self-care, and he has been worrying about mine. We have focused about sorting each other out in areas we have lacked peace of mind ourselves. At the same time I felt this calm enter my body, by dad started a health journey I know that he is so content with. I don’t have to talk to him about it. I can feel it, even if I live on the other side of the planet from him. It is like we have shared the same restlessness and at the same time we both knew what we needed to do to break free from it. For the first time in our lives we are in sync, happy and both of us mentally and physically healthier than ever before.

My dad looked like he has swallowed a giant globe the last time I saw him irl. His legs were skinny, as were his arms, but you could see some excess skin around his neck. He puffed and sweated as he worked his way around the city. It made me sad to see, not because I care about how he looks, but because I could see that he didn’t care about his health at all any more. He was so caught up in his spiritual journey that he neglected his body, his carriage, completely.

The time came when he knew what he had to do, as I knew what I had to do. I had to relax and take care of my spirit, and he had to keep his spiritual calm and take care of his carriage. Yesterday I spoke with my mum as she was walking my brothers mini-poodle Snulf around a winter morning in Stockholm. She was so clear, happy. Finally dad has found his place where he could connect his body with his spirit. Where he can let them live in sync. He ferments his own food, breaths, walks, fasts, no gluten, dairy or stake, only when he feels like it, maybe when they are out at a restaurant or something. He is not so strict he has forgotten how to live; he is just in balance and harmony with his needs and feelings. The internal globe is gone, he is now nurturing twenty kilos less weight and I’m guessing a flourishing micro biome.

The past six months I have unintentionally thought a lot about my dads upbringing, about my Grandmother Emma and about what energies that may have been past onto me through that channel. I have had my hands full with mums’ side of myself that I have completely ignored my dads side, which is not a complete dance on a rose field either. Ever since I made that connection another level of calm entered and I feel like I am finally free from my past and ready to look forward for real.

I am so happy to feel this free, and I am so proud of my dad doing the same. I think that we both needed each other to sort ourselves out in order to find the balance between us that we now have. There is a strong link between us and now, even though we don’t see each other face to face as often as we used to, that link is stronger and more sparkling than ever.

Don’t commit yourself out of life!

For a long time I have tried to control everything that happens in my life and the people in it. I want to plan out my days based on time. “When am I doing this?” is the most common question in my head waking up, and the more exact my plans can be, the calmer I have believed that I get. I used to feel calm if I could squeeze in all the shit I didn’t really want to do, but thought I had to do, before people woke up. So I sat my alarm on five to lift weights in the dark (just to get my metabolism going, and study). It wasn’t that I really felt like working out every morning. I just thought that I had to. It wasn’t until I stopped stressing about working out and diet shit that I could feel happy with my body. Actually.

Life happens all the time. It doesn’t listen to my plans. But for so long I haven’t lived in the flow of life because I have been so absorbed in following my plans and holding my integrity intact. If I say that I am doing something – I get stressed and feel like I am not a good person if I don’t do what I have committed myself to do. Right?

What if the flow of life isn’t aligned with what I have decided to do? What if life didn’t listen to me planning what I will do for the rest of the week on the hour? What if I fail to do shit I have committed to do and people think that I’m not a worthy person?

Or more tragic, what if life happens and I don’t live in actual life because I am too caught up in living after my commitments?

Emotions are amazing. They indicate life. I want to leave my agenda free so that I see what life is offering. Sometimes thoughts can deceives us and make us believe that they are emotions. Something that most of us need to be actively aware of. They might make us think that we really need to do something in order to achieve the next level of happiness. We think that if we do this or that, achieve this or that we will feel more happy with who we are. But if that is a happiness only reached by achievements then that will create stress within since we will believe that we can only reach that kind of happiness through improving who we are. In a sense that means that we need to constantly do things to be happy. That to me sounds stressful. I mean, I want to do a lot of things, but I don’t want to do things just to prove to myself or any other person that I can do them. I don’t want to do things just because I have said I will do them.

I want to do things because I feel like that is what is right to do right now. I want to listen within and see if I am already happy and excited to do these things, not just happy after I have achieved them. I want to grow through learning from real life. I want to wake up every day feeling like I am free and happy and then do the things that the flow of life has sat out for me to do. Not what I have planned in my calendar.

F R E E D O M I S E V E R Y T H I N G !

Aus open – Nick Kyrgios

Photo: beIN sports
Photo: beIN sports

When the tennis is on here in Melbourne you know that it’s summer. I like it because people like it. I’m just starting to get my hang on the rules. Some of them. I get nauseous if I focus my eyes on the ball for too long and my legs starts cramping because I know that it can go on forever.

I do like watching Kyrgios play, only because you never know what you will get. He is a diva. And I believe that he is a diva just because he is scared.

I can see myself in him. To me it doesn’t look like he is aware of how much his emotions control him. He let them control him.

Instead of fighting harder when he meets competition he gets angry at everyone around him. It’s like it is everyone else’s fault. He is hurting and he doesn’t know where and how to use his fear of loosing in public to his advantage. If he hits the ball in between his legs in the most important point of the game he can blame loosing on being reckless, not on the fact that his best at present might not be good enough. Nobody can say that he is not good enough if he doesn’t try his hardest. He needs an out. Something else to blame it on. Because tennis is his passion and it is scary to lose a game when you are really trying. But if you are not trying with your whole body and mind, if you are not doing everything in your power to win even if it means running like a chook and throwing yourself in uncomfortable ways, then you can blame it on that, on something.

There is an element to it now, in which I recognize my younger self in, to where he blames the world, and put so much effort into working against the world. It’s like he has said to someone “I’m not in good enough shape” and then every point he looses he looks up to his box to say “Look I fucking told you so” as if they are forcing him to play. He is looking for proof to back up the fact that he doesn’t believe in himself in a way that makes him not give is all. It’s like he is scared of people believing in him, he is scared of putting all of himself in a game because if he do and that’s not enough he doesn’t know how to handle it. Yet.

He must feel a pressure I cannot even begin to relate to though, and being so young how can you learn how to handle that? If this is his passion then something will click soon enough, hopefully, and he will begin to understand that there is only so far the body can go if the mind isn’t on the same level. He is somewhat aware of that his mind is playing pranks on him, he says so himself, but I don’t think that he has quite grasped the full content of it. Yet.

The commentators see ignorance at the highest order when he hits the ball in between his legs. I see a young man who hasn’t yet got to know his own mind and ego. I see somebody who is talented but scared to loose his talent. I see someone who identifies himself with his passion but needs to understand that he is good enough as a person even without the tennis. I see my own insecurity though his anger and I wish that he can realize that as soon as he puts his ego aside and focus on doing what he loves for himself, not for anyone else he can be free from all the anger, guilt and blame.

I think we all have a layer of this inside of us. I learn from watching his rage and anger to connect to that layer of myself, when I can’t see my own part in something, or more correct; when I don’t want to see my own part in something. The thing that is frustrating for me is that even though I don’t know much about tennis (or other sports for that matter) I know that the biggest battle he is playing isn’t on the court, it is inside of him, and no one else can fight that battle for him. It is not until he can fully connect to his real emotions of fear, confidence and drive he will be able to arrive and express himself at his full potential.

Memories with emotions <3

lisa

It make sense that the more positive and happy thoughts we plant and spiral of into through our brain the happier we feel. If we use all the time that we have thinking about things we love, what we want to achieve and how to get there, there is no time left for thinking about a pile of shit. Use your time wisely to me means to fill your heart and mind with thoughts that generate emotions you would like to feel. When people first told me to practice gratitude I didn’t quite get it. I did it anyway though, because I’m always open for anything that can make me feel more excited. More alive. Now I actually start to fully grasp the concept that choosing what you focus your mind on will determinate how your life and reality appear.

I was meditating out in the sun this morning. I did my Wim Hof breathing, listening to Kent. Songs that I have been listening to since I was only 12. They are still as good as they were then. Almost 14 years later. This morning they woke up memories of good friends I have had throughout my life. Some that I miss a lot. Some that I have lost contact with, not only because I have moved to the other side of the world from where I was first introduced to Kent. This morning brought back memories that made my heart ache in the most loving way possible. A wave of good feelings and memories from my early teenage years filled my heart, and I felt a strong band to the people that allowed me to feel like that. I remember the tingle in my stomach when we sat up all night at the mountain and mum thought I was at Jessies. It never got dark then. I remember the freedom and the love I felt every time I walked up the hill towards Sofia’s house. Those dinners are one of my dearest memories. My honeymoon trip to Greece with Lisa in year 10 and how I woke her up with coffee and undercooked eggs every morning. OC nights.

The emotions that appeared in my body made me understand what is important in friendships and all connections with people. It’s those people who make you feel free and full of love that are worth spending time with. I am so grateful for every single one of my friends growing up.

When I meditated I knew exactly the feeling I wanted to deliver through this post, and now when I sit down to write it is so hard to get it through in words. I feel this wave of intense feelings of love to the people I once were so close with, but whom time and my emotional chaos dragged me away from. I wish that it didn’t happened that way, but I can’t regret things, only learn from them. I managed to travel back this morning and experience those feelings I had then, through my memories, and I had to express my gratitude towards being able to re-experience those memories. They were once my reality.

The only thing I wished for back in the days was to feel happy with who I am. I wished that I could find peace of mind and love. I longed for the feeling of just wanting to be, without worrying about if I was good enough, and it struck me yesterday that I am finally there. I am in that place I wished to be in back then, and I have to learn from the past and realize how good I actually have it right now. This is the moment in time that I wondered if it would ever come back then, and today it is my truth. Today this is my reality. I have arrived in what I so long have longed for, and it would be a crime not to take some time and appreciate it.

I don’t really know where I am going with this, but that is kind of the beauty of it. It has been such a long time since I thought back on my life to look for the good things in it. The more I focus on the good things in my life right now the more good things in my past I seem to remember too. I have this need today, to connect to all those people who I remember now with love and happiness to know that I am doing just that. I want every one of my beautiful people to know that I will always remember those good times, and look back to them with a smile in my heart. For a long time I haven’t been able to see what I have had, only what I haven’t had, and now, I hope we can all take some time to appreciate everything that life has given us. All friends, all memories, all beautiful emotions. Thank you my beautiful people for having me in your life, my brain would have less joy to relate to and look back on if it weren’t for you, and my heart wouldn’t be so full of love <3

jessie

Astound yourself!

T.E

Such a cool thought, especially for someone who not to long ago didn’t think that one could accomplish anything real. I just realized reading that Edison quote that around us, every moment, there are things that we can do that we might not believe that we can. When we fear, we don’t trust our ability to handle certain things. Our mind put up blockages in our own head that make us believe that we are not capable of doing shit, when in fact we can do anything, if we put the effort in. The question is what we want to put effort into doing. Just because I would love to be able peel an orange without touching the peel I will not spend my time in solving that problem. That’s not my passion But once we find the things that we can do, and fail, over and over again, without loosing the passion for it, we have to see that we can do anything with it. When we want to do it, we can. Then we forget about the time concept, and just do.

Possibilities, opportunities are everywhere, we have to just open up our brain and train it to see them, and trust that we can do so much more than our mind let us believe.

F R E E D O M !

tandare

I’ve taken some time of work this January. I need to focus on myself, my dreams and… my life. For over a week I have done nothing and everything I’ve wanted. Writing articles. Writing on my book that I am aiming to publish my march this year. It is easy to become a victim of money. It is easy to let your income set the rules for your life. But if I don’t take time off to focus on my dream projects then how will they actually come true?

Deep down in the core of my soul I know that writing is my way of expression. It is how I can share myself with the world. It is how I feel like I am a part of the world. There are a lot of rules with writing. And a lot of opinions. What I have realized so far is that to me only the positive opinions matter. I can’t get stuck in listening to the critical voices because in the same way I won’t let anyone change me and how I choose to behave I will not let anyone change how I choose to express myself.

I am ok with people not liking my way of writing. I don’t follow the rule book so there will be people who believe that I should correct myself, put myself in line. There is always going to be people that will tell me to write more “correct”. That is just the way it is. This world is full of close-minded people who only appreciate what things should be like. Things that follows certain rules. I appreciate things that are created from raw emotions. And emotions don’t follow any rules. They can be totally fucked up, and still they don’t cease to exist just because somebody is under the impression that they are wrong and don’t follow the rules. Many people appreciate honesty too, and freedom. I love that. That is why I am writing. I write for myself because when I write with no rules I feel free. And I write for those who want to believe in freedom too.

11 things I choose in life

I am currently writing on a book about what I’ve learnt from being naïve, depressed, full of hate and anger, being lost and living in a reality where I believed that things just happened to me and I didn’t play any part in it. Writing this book has been a dream of mine since I had to write a psychology assignment about my life in year 11. I think that I am in a much better place in my life now to share my story then I was then and I know that there is a reson to why I have got this drive to publish my book now rather than back then. When I say “back then” I feel like that’s a whole different life to life as I know it now. I feel like I have become a whole different person to the person that I was without loosing myself in the process. I try to figure out how I have changed and how I got to know the real me. As I sat down and tried to break down what I have realized that has made me be able to feel excited about everything life has to offer and I felt like sharing that here.

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What I have learnt about life that has made me feel happy, content, excited, full of love and beautiful from the inside and out is:

1. Listening to what I need and who I want to be, and then just choose to be that      person has given me confidence.

 

  1. Being around people that make me feel good and that question “things that just is” make me feel alive.

 

  1. Taking care of my body and mind because I want to feel good (rather than look good) is the way to feel happy and content. Always be open to new things, don’t get too stuck in routines so that I close of my mind to development.

 

  1. When I feel stressed, I have to break down why I feel stressed. Most of the times I then realize that I don’t have to be stressed.

 

  1. Listening to my emotions and try to understand where they come from and also accepting them without panicking allow me actually get to know myself.

 

  1. I live the life I want to live now because I don’t want to waste any time doing shit that I don’t like. Life is about growing and I want to grow in a direction of possibility and like every part of the journey.

 

  1. Be open minded. Try new things, walk new paths, meet new people and ask questions you want to know the answer to. That’s how I grow, that’s how I expand my life and that’s how I get rich on experiences.

 

  1. Seek out the truth. The truth is that there is a truth, but that truth can change. If I always try to do what is true to me now, and always be open to explore the land of truth, then I will feel like I am, and I will be on the right path in life.

 

  1. Live to see other people live to be happy. I am treating other people with love and honesty if they give me the chance to. I love happy, funny, open minded, excited, loving and curious people, so I choose to be one myself. I have stopped to do things because I think that that is what people expect of me, and want me to do, if that isn’t what I believe is true. Other people are only humans too, and only because somebody say something it doesn’t mean that that is the truth. I now feel, and trust what I feel.

 

  1. I don’t limit myself to what I think that I can be. I dream big and make it happen. I am aware of the fact that there are always actions I can take to move towards the biggest dreams that I have. Once I understand that these are actions everyone can all make, I see that the world can be whatever I want it to be.

 

  1. Seeing what I do have now is the way of still being present and happy in the moment whilst I am moving closer to my dream life. I have to appreciate where I am at and what I have, always choosing who I want to be in this world and being happy and grateful for how far I have come. The minute I stopped looking at what I didn’t have and who I didn’t want to be a whole new world of possibility opened up in front of me.

Choosing all of these together has made me feel content and happy with who I am. Life isn’t about doing one good thing, it’s about finding a way of choosing many good things that play a big part in your life. That’s what I believe, because it has totally worked for me. I am free.