When the tennis is on here in Melbourne you know that it’s summer. I like it because people like it. I’m just starting to get my hang on the rules. Some of them. I get nauseous if I focus my eyes on the ball for too long and my legs starts cramping because I know that it can go on forever.
I do like watching Kyrgios play, only because you never know what you will get. He is a diva. And I believe that he is a diva just because he is scared.
I can see myself in him. To me it doesn’t look like he is aware of how much his emotions control him. He let them control him.
Instead of fighting harder when he meets competition he gets angry at everyone around him. It’s like it is everyone else’s fault. He is hurting and he doesn’t know where and how to use his fear of loosing in public to his advantage. If he hits the ball in between his legs in the most important point of the game he can blame loosing on being reckless, not on the fact that his best at present might not be good enough. Nobody can say that he is not good enough if he doesn’t try his hardest. He needs an out. Something else to blame it on. Because tennis is his passion and it is scary to lose a game when you are really trying. But if you are not trying with your whole body and mind, if you are not doing everything in your power to win even if it means running like a chook and throwing yourself in uncomfortable ways, then you can blame it on that, on something.
There is an element to it now, in which I recognize my younger self in, to where he blames the world, and put so much effort into working against the world. It’s like he has said to someone “I’m not in good enough shape” and then every point he looses he looks up to his box to say “Look I fucking told you so” as if they are forcing him to play. He is looking for proof to back up the fact that he doesn’t believe in himself in a way that makes him not give is all. It’s like he is scared of people believing in him, he is scared of putting all of himself in a game because if he do and that’s not enough he doesn’t know how to handle it. Yet.
He must feel a pressure I cannot even begin to relate to though, and being so young how can you learn how to handle that? If this is his passion then something will click soon enough, hopefully, and he will begin to understand that there is only so far the body can go if the mind isn’t on the same level. He is somewhat aware of that his mind is playing pranks on him, he says so himself, but I don’t think that he has quite grasped the full content of it. Yet.
The commentators see ignorance at the highest order when he hits the ball in between his legs. I see a young man who hasn’t yet got to know his own mind and ego. I see somebody who is talented but scared to loose his talent. I see someone who identifies himself with his passion but needs to understand that he is good enough as a person even without the tennis. I see my own insecurity though his anger and I wish that he can realize that as soon as he puts his ego aside and focus on doing what he loves for himself, not for anyone else he can be free from all the anger, guilt and blame.
I think we all have a layer of this inside of us. I learn from watching his rage and anger to connect to that layer of myself, when I can’t see my own part in something, or more correct; when I don’t want to see my own part in something. The thing that is frustrating for me is that even though I don’t know much about tennis (or other sports for that matter) I know that the biggest battle he is playing isn’t on the court, it is inside of him, and no one else can fight that battle for him. It is not until he can fully connect to his real emotions of fear, confidence and drive he will be able to arrive and express himself at his full potential.