For a long time I have tried to control everything that happens in my life and the people in it. I want to plan out my days based on time. “When am I doing this?” is the most common question in my head waking up, and the more exact my plans can be, the calmer I have believed that I get. I used to feel calm if I could squeeze in all the shit I didn’t really want to do, but thought I had to do, before people woke up. So I sat my alarm on five to lift weights in the dark (just to get my metabolism going, and study). It wasn’t that I really felt like working out every morning. I just thought that I had to. It wasn’t until I stopped stressing about working out and diet shit that I could feel happy with my body. Actually.
Life happens all the time. It doesn’t listen to my plans. But for so long I haven’t lived in the flow of life because I have been so absorbed in following my plans and holding my integrity intact. If I say that I am doing something – I get stressed and feel like I am not a good person if I don’t do what I have committed myself to do. Right?
What if the flow of life isn’t aligned with what I have decided to do? What if life didn’t listen to me planning what I will do for the rest of the week on the hour? What if I fail to do shit I have committed to do and people think that I’m not a worthy person?
Or more tragic, what if life happens and I don’t live in actual life because I am too caught up in living after my commitments?
Emotions are amazing. They indicate life. I want to leave my agenda free so that I see what life is offering. Sometimes thoughts can deceives us and make us believe that they are emotions. Something that most of us need to be actively aware of. They might make us think that we really need to do something in order to achieve the next level of happiness. We think that if we do this or that, achieve this or that we will feel more happy with who we are. But if that is a happiness only reached by achievements then that will create stress within since we will believe that we can only reach that kind of happiness through improving who we are. In a sense that means that we need to constantly do things to be happy. That to me sounds stressful. I mean, I want to do a lot of things, but I don’t want to do things just to prove to myself or any other person that I can do them. I don’t want to do things just because I have said I will do them.
I want to do things because I feel like that is what is right to do right now. I want to listen within and see if I am already happy and excited to do these things, not just happy after I have achieved them. I want to grow through learning from real life. I want to wake up every day feeling like I am free and happy and then do the things that the flow of life has sat out for me to do. Not what I have planned in my calendar.
F R E E D O M I S E V E R Y T H I N G !