From age ten to twenty dad had to sit next to me when I was studying. I told him that it was time and he sat down to help me with everything from Spanish to bouncing ideas (or be my ballplank as we say in Sweden). He never complained or said “not now” or “can we do that after…” etc. He was always happy to help. One might think that he cared about what grades I got with stuff he had invested his time to help me understand, but no. Maybe he knew that I had put the effort in and didn’t care if I got a good or bad grade, maybe he didn’t actually car at all. I think that I have wanted my parents to care about my grades in school more, maybe I wanted to have to be pushed to do shit, but I didn’t need to be pushed. I pushed myself because I saw achievements in school as something good to identify myself with. My self worth and love was dependent on good achievements and it didn’t make sense to me that my parents actually didn’t care of how well I performed in school.
I have been like a bee growing up. A strong will, a lot of anger and emotions. I was tricky to raise, I’ve understood, and with the years anxiety and depression flew through me like birds who gathers fish in the ocean. In and out. Naturally I have been looking for my depressing energetic inheritance on my mothers’ side. And that might well have been the source to that kind of energy. Once I had dived deep into trying to understand my mothers energetic past I gained some peace. But I was still almost completely lost and restless.
Something happened to me in the second half of 2016. A calm source started to run through my body and mind. Like I had found a new tap to open up a now flow within.
My relationship with my dad have always been a solid one. We have been besties in silence. Cooking, walking and reading together, but there have always been this friction between us. Like we have been so much alike in our incompleteness that instead of finding a way to work together as a team to find peace of mind we have stirred the pot by accusing the other of doing the things we also know that we are doing to ourselves.
I have been worrying about my dads’ lack of self-care, and he has been worrying about mine. We have focused about sorting each other out in areas we have lacked peace of mind ourselves. At the same time I felt this calm enter my body, by dad started a health journey I know that he is so content with. I don’t have to talk to him about it. I can feel it, even if I live on the other side of the planet from him. It is like we have shared the same restlessness and at the same time we both knew what we needed to do to break free from it. For the first time in our lives we are in sync, happy and both of us mentally and physically healthier than ever before.
My dad looked like he has swallowed a giant globe the last time I saw him irl. His legs were skinny, as were his arms, but you could see some excess skin around his neck. He puffed and sweated as he worked his way around the city. It made me sad to see, not because I care about how he looks, but because I could see that he didn’t care about his health at all any more. He was so caught up in his spiritual journey that he neglected his body, his carriage, completely.
The time came when he knew what he had to do, as I knew what I had to do. I had to relax and take care of my spirit, and he had to keep his spiritual calm and take care of his carriage. Yesterday I spoke with my mum as she was walking my brothers mini-poodle Snulf around a winter morning in Stockholm. She was so clear, happy. Finally dad has found his place where he could connect his body with his spirit. Where he can let them live in sync. He ferments his own food, breaths, walks, fasts, no gluten, dairy or stake, only when he feels like it, maybe when they are out at a restaurant or something. He is not so strict he has forgotten how to live; he is just in balance and harmony with his needs and feelings. The internal globe is gone, he is now nurturing twenty kilos less weight and I’m guessing a flourishing micro biome.
The past six months I have unintentionally thought a lot about my dads upbringing, about my Grandmother Emma and about what energies that may have been past onto me through that channel. I have had my hands full with mums’ side of myself that I have completely ignored my dads side, which is not a complete dance on a rose field either. Ever since I made that connection another level of calm entered and I feel like I am finally free from my past and ready to look forward for real.
I am so happy to feel this free, and I am so proud of my dad doing the same. I think that we both needed each other to sort ourselves out in order to find the balance between us that we now have. There is a strong link between us and now, even though we don’t see each other face to face as often as we used to, that link is stronger and more sparkling than ever.