Monthly Archives: February 2017

Taking responsibility can be relieving

I like to get involved in stuff, and if something makes me happy then I don’t really hold back on it. When I started with Lululemon the company introduced me to a lot of cool ways of finding your inner strength and love. Totally my passion. Figuring out where I want and need to go in this world has always been a big part of being me, as it is most people’s part of being them.

The past couple of weeks though I have experienced this anger towards the company and I am trying to figure out why, because that is not how I want to feel. Through Lululemon I have met friends that I will keep forever and I have been inspired to actually get my shit sorted and live the life I want to live, so why this resentment? What is stopping me from just feeling grateful, because I do feel that too, but it takes a little bit of work to get to those emotions.

Talking about this with a friend in the backroom at work yesterday I realised that the reason to why I feel angry isn’t because I don’t like the company or that they have done me wrong, because they haven’t.

I got frustrated because I tried to find a place in the company where I could actually love being a part of it, but all I was actually doing was figuring out how I could help develop people and express myself with and through my passion. I didn’t  take ownership of the fact that I might have to go off on my own and do what it is that I love and quit using other companies as a safe place and try to make them into my passion when they are not.

Why I felt disappointed and angry was because I didn’t take my responsibility early enough to figure out what it was that I actually wanted to get out of being a part of this company. I didn’t know, and in a way I couldn’t know either without testing the waters. I tried different paths within and I got disappointed when they didn’t work out for me.

Lululemon gave me the tools that I needed to figure myself out and I believed that I needed to be a part of all of it because I wanted to keep on growing. I love the company for the personal development side of it, but to be honest I have never ever had a passion for clothes or shopping in general. The way Lululemon develop people is through the connection of clothes and sales and that is not how I can authentically connect with people or myself. I needed to realise that the responsibility for my self growth is in my own hands, not in the hands of anyone else. I don’t have to be a part of anything to keep growing. I will keep grow within because I want and need to.

I needed to take my responsibility of myself and understand that it the reason to why I stopped growing within the company wasn’t because nobody believed in me, it wasn’t because I didn’t get the support that I needed (although that might have made me stay a bit longer, so now I am happy that I didn’t), it was because I couldn’t invest all of my time and my heart in a business which main business is selling clothes when my passion lies in the opposite direction of any sales business.

In realising that I actually wanted different things from the company than I sometimes believed that I wanted I feel a lot better in my attitude towards it. Because the reality is that I honestly have no idea where my thoughts would be if it wasn’t for all the self development I have had the privilege of doing with Lululemon. Instead of feeling anger about what didn’t happen I feel clarity in knowing why it didn’t happen, and why it didn’t happen is because my passions simply wasn’t aligned with the path that I was traveling on, and I am proud that I dared to make a right turn into a completely new lane for me. I know that I am on the right track. I am so grateful for that.

Untangling my emotions

I am developing a new relationship to anxiety and other uncomfortable feelings, and I am finding it quite interesting. I realized that any emotion is just an emotion that my body is capable of feeling, I wonder how many emotions other people are capable of feeling that I have never experienced? Often my feelings appear in my body as a reaction to something that I “have to” do (I am thinking ahead, worrying or trying to control the future) or I might react to what someone has said to me. Sometimes my feelings and emotions are just present in my body without a reason that I am aware of.

Lately I have been carrying this anxiety with me in the mornings and I am trying to understand where it is coming from so that I can release it. So far it is just a feeling. I was thinking that maybe it has to do with the transitioning period I am in in my life where I feel like I sometimes have no control. Maybe it is the face that my brain is loosing control over me, and I am learning to live a free life? In that case, bring it on!

I have also been thinking about insecurity. What is that feeling really? Insecurity appears in my body when I am scared of being alone and exposed. It comes from being afraid of having nobody on your side. Insecurity is an emotion that is deeply connected to just doing what other people are doing because you are too afraid to follow what it is that you really want to do if that isn’t what others are doing. You are afraid of being alone on your journey.

A lack of insecurity would put you in a position where you can actually just be who you want to be without any worries about what other people think of you. A lack of insecurity opens up a space for trust and in trust you can find the emotional path where you can walk guided only by your own internal emotional compass.

If you forget for a second that insecurity exists, see what possibilities are opening up in front of you. The possibility of being genuinely you?

My feelings isn’t who I am; neither are my thoughts. I am trying to figure out what part my emotions and my thoughts are playing in the game of who I am. It is relieving when I can step out of my own body and just see the thoughts and emotions come and go, while I am always the same. The awareness of who I am doesn’t change with my emotions or with my thoughts although my emotions can change my thoughts and vice versa. So who am I in all of this? If I am not my emotions or my thoughts, then what are my emotions trying to tell me?

For such a long time I haven’t known what real freedom feels like, and now that I know, I want to be with that emotion forever.  The first time I truly felt free I almost got scared because so many possibilities opened up in front of my eyes. Whenever I lack the feeling of freedom I feel strangled. Maybe that is all it is. My body is pushing me towards constant freedom. If I just let it do what it is doing to me I’ll be reborn a complete free spirit.

I quit my job so that I can live my dream!

Here is the deal. In my dream life I can plan weekend getaways, have dinner with my family every night, write and create things through my passions. In my dream life I don’t have to be anywhere, only where I feel that I need to be. The absolute best thing with quitting my job at Lululemon is that I now can do just that. The past few weeks I have really worked on connecting my actions to my emotions and I feel as if I am better at listening to what I actually feel like doing, rather than what I think that I should be doing.

The “safe” me once dreamed of a job in the lululemon head office, because the office is beautiful and they have mimosa Fridays and their own barista. But is my dream to work in an office every day where I have to do things that I might not really want to do but I think that I should do? Well, that is a safe dream where I don’t really believe that I can actually achieve what it is that I truly, really, honestly want to do.

I want to create happy people. With create I mean that I want to reach as many people as possible and influence them to feel happy and free with themselves. I want a little magic stick that I can touch people with and make them realise that they don’t have to be and act in a certain way. The only way they need to act and be in is to live according to what make them feel good, excited and happy inside.

Now I am on my way towards calling myself a writer and that is what I have always dreamed about, even when I didn’t even dare to dream it. But now I am committed to follow my emotions and do only what I am dreaming of doing and do it without letting my self doubt and inner critics hold me back, because that will not make me happy.

The bold and real me is dreaming about doing exactly what I am doing right now. Sitting outside on the balcony, looking out over the ocean, in the morning with a cup of tea. People that I love are walking in and out, interrupting my writing in a harmonious way. My biggest dream is that this could be my life, and it already is, so quitting what brought me away from this, my dream life, was only a momentum in my journey along this path of mine.

 

Letting go of what is holding me back

I hear determination, goal chasing, act act act, do do do and you will be happy, but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and scared that I am doing it all wrong. And the more I think that I have to do the less happy I feel.

I am in a transition face in my life at the moment, and it is scaring the shit out of me. I am ready to let go of things that aren’t serving the life I am happy living, things that I feel are holding me back, but when I am doing so I am afraid of falling. I am letting go of trying to control my life and that makes me anxious because in my head control is all that I have got. Letting go of control makes me anxious almost to the point of paralyzation. I know that what I am doing is what I am happy doing, but the comfortable, safe and controlling part of me (my inner critic) is freaking out because for a while I just have to trust that I can manage and live life the way it unfolds, without trying to control any of it. And by doing so I have to trust that I am good enough in my own way. What I have to offer is good enough. What I am doing is good enough. I have to trust that, believe that.

To be honest, for me I am. I believe in me. I love what I do, because it is true to who I am, so why am I scared?

If I don’t let go I will feel safe but unhappy. And if I have to choose from feeling as if I have got everything under control but I am not happy then a happy free falling is what I need to do. I need to do a metaphorical jump out in freedom and trust that I will land wherever I am supposed to land. Most importantly; I have to trust that life wants me to be happy and successful on all levels in my life. I have to believe and have faith in myself, and live in my body, not in my head.

For such a long time I have been making all my decisions based on my thoughts, disconnected from my body. My thoughts have created problem after problem, and scared me away from following my own intuition. I have asked everyone but myself what I should be doing with my life. It is now time to step down from the critical place in my head and let my heart, body and soul guide me through life. I am done with over thinking and controlling. I am ready to feel and be free to follow life as it is, and trust that I am doing what I am meant to be doing.

Feeling lost is scary, but it is also a great resource. It means that you have something to figure out, and it means that you want something even if you might not know what it is that you want yet. Something that I have learnt that helped me a lot in feeling less lost is to practice not comparing myself to other people. I have always felt intimidated with go getters, those who are so determined and know exactly where they need to be and what they need to do. I have felt intimidated because when I compare myself to them I just see the drive that I don’t have.

What I do now is whenever that feeling occurs in my body I ask myself if I would want to live their life (or any other persons life for that matter), would I want their brain instead of mine, would I want to do all the hard work that they are doing? If the answer is yes, I want to live their life exactly the way they are living, putting in exactly the same amount of work as they do, then I would sit down and figure out how to do so. But I am not one of those people who want my whole calendar full, I don’t want to stress and rush around constantly. The moment we start copying what someone else is doing or start doing things just out of comparison to what other people are doing we loose contact with our soul, body and happiness. It is time to live the life we truly want to live and trust that we are good enough to do so.

The anxiety of starting something new

Whenever I have to put myself in a new situation in form of a new job, being in an environment I am not familiar with where something is expected of me I get really anxious beforehand. With really anxious I mean that there is this lump in my upper chest, almost in my throat and it feels like it is blocking my real emotions from living through my body. I believe that I am scared of looking stupid, scared of not being good enough right from the start. I feel lost. The thing is that when I am actually doing what I am supposed to do I usually feel fine (unless I am being starred at). The anxiety is worst before, and I keep being anxious until I feel completely comfortable in my new environment.

I am a settle in kind of person who loves being comfortable, I want to know that I know. It can be dangerous because if I am not on the case I might get stuck in places where I am not living at my fullest potential, but I am staying because I am scared of the exact feeling I just described. The heavy chest and emotional blockage. Luckily I value happiness so high that staying at a place that doesn’t make me expand and live in excitement is never an option for me.

Trying new things, and entering a scene where people who know what to do have to watch you learn is frightening to me. For some reason I don’t like learning, I like knowing. But one rarely comes without the other, so how can I overcome the learning curve without feeling this lump in my chest? At the end of the day I know that I will look back on learning wishing that I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself.

There is something with the unknown that gives me anxiety. I don’t know what it is but I am so curious of figuring it out, because I think that can really help me becoming a much more open, spontaneous and control free person. I think that if I can get to the source of why the unknown scares me more than it excites me then I can flip it and live life as if happens rather than trying to constantly have everything under control. I want to enjoy the ride, not just focus on the destination sort of speak.

I remember in year four when we had one mixed class per week and we had to cooperate with the kids in other classrooms, with their teachers and in their way. This changeup gave me severe stomachache and anxiety weeks before it actually happened. And when the day came I wasn’t myself. One day we had to watch a movie with all the other kids and I cried until the teacher let me go home instead. I was so nervous sitting in another classroom, where I wasn’t feeling at home but other people were.

It is so contradictory to my whole personality. I am not at all scared of attention, rather the opposite, and social is my middle name. I’ve talked before I even left my mothers stomach. There is some paranoid element to my whole being though where I believe that people can see when I am uncomfortable, and think I am in their way or something. I am scared of people not wanting me in their space.

I am scared of people thinking that I am annoying, doing things “wrong”, being in the way. Basically I focus so much on what other people might think of me, that I unable myself to experience new things in a positive way. Instead of just being who I am, doing and trusting that what I am doing is right I focus on what other people might be thinking that I am doing wrong. But I cannot know what they might be thinking so the whole process is a waste of time. It is not my worries to take on, because if I simply just live my life, enjoying the journey, following my inner compass and trusting that I do my best in every situation, then why do I even care what others think? It actually doesn’t get me anywhere other than it will create that lump in my chest with the question “am I good enough for you?” written on it. Instead I need to realise that I will not be good enough for myself unless I start focusing on what I can do.

Life can be whatever you want it to be, the key is to figure out how to act in order for you to feel free. I want my life to be like a party, I have to stop caring what others think, because it will just make me not enjoy the actual party but look back at it thinking that “it wasn’t so bad after all”. I want to enjoy every situation in my life, help out where help is needed and laugh as much as possible. I want to be curious of the people around me, ask them questions and grow as a person. After all, I don’t want to live life taking everything so damn serious. seriousness is such a mood kill, and if it’s not life or death I do prefer doing shit with a lot of humor involved.

I haven’t quite figured all of this out yet and if you have any tips on how to overcome or deal with this kind of anxiety and worrying I would be so pleased to hear what you have to say. Share your stories. I find that just by talking about this it relieves so much of that pressure.

“They” are not right – you are

Lately I have felt a little… impatient in lack of a better term. I am not working much in the store I have been at for the past two years, which is part of my goals. My soul needs to take off and surround myself with young people. But with working less in the store this feeling of stress invades my space more often than I would like it to. It’s ironic how that works, but I know that it is mainly because I am still waiting to find my way on which I can spread my love on, and I am ready to take off.

I dream about big stuff, where I actually help young girls and boys to stop thinking that they aren’t good enough the way they are. With that I mean that I want all people to realise that we are all just people, nobody is right or wrong even if some people are good at convincing you that there is a right and a wrong. Just because there are trends, rules, do’s and don’ts to follow out there it is so much more than ok not to follow them all, if you have natural urges to do so.

Trends and rules are just made up by people who either passionately express themselves by the rules and believe that everyone should do the same as them, or by people who aren’t capable of thinking for themselves and/or are disconnected to what they actually like and who they actually are. By following what everyone else is doing or what school is teaching you to do without questioning if that is actually how you are going to feel free, happy and excited about living as who you truly are is dangerous. The biggest realisation that has given me so much more confidence lately is that I actually felt in my whole body that if I just listen to what I believe is fun, right and important to my soul, I will feel free and excited about living my life. I have started to develop a trust for myself, because if I want to be able to live a life where I can write and help others to connect with their individuality and passions comfortably I have to trust that I can do it. And I do trust myself with this, simply because I love doing it.

“Being true to who you are” is such a cliché expression that has always sounded right, but to me it has always been just that; a cliché expression. I have thought that I have been true to who I am just by doing what the majority of the people are doing, because that has to be right, right?

I think about all the times I have hung out at the “coolest” clubs and just wishing that I was in a shitty pub eating peanuts and drinking beer, talking about fun stuff

In a lot of situations for me, trying to act, be and strive for what the majority of people around me want has made me seriously unhappy. I have gone crazy, and not in the good-crazy way. Fuck, I think about all the times I have hung out at the “coolest” clubs and just wishing that I was in a shitty pub eating peanuts and drinking beer, talking about fun stuff, instead of being in this ocean of noise and peacocks. But still, I have followed what the majority of people are doing and are striving for, for years and years. I have never felt more lost then when I have been in my high heals I simply cannot walk in (think newborn giraffe) acting as if I am dancing and having fun when in fact I have no idea how to genuinely move to the music that is playing. I think that I can drink myself comfortable but that never works. When you do things just to follow the crowd I find that it is hard to be authentic with anything.

I feel at home around people who are genuinely interested in each other’s thoughts, who want to play games, who can make fools out of themselves. I feel at home with people who don’t care about shit that rimes with exclusive, fancy, luxury and premium. I feel attracted to passions, honesty and vulnerability.

In saying that it doesn’t mean that I look away from good restaurants and pleasures where you might have to cough up a little extra. I love good food and one of my main goals is to fly business class (because my legs fucking hurt when I fly). Now I do what I do because I genuinely want to do what I do, not because I want other people to think that I am normal and cool. Just they thought of never have to feel like an insecure baby giraffe again is freeing.

When I grew up I wanted to be a:

Doctor – because they get paid well and I could make people feel better

A writer – because I love writing

A nutritionist – because I was obsessed with food and had eating disorders and thought that I could help girls like myself

A police – Because I could work out at work and be cool and sympathetic with young kids

A journalist – make a difference through writing, and write about cool shit

A teacher – So I could influence kids to see the truth and the love and learn from the mistakes humans have done in the history

A radio host – So I can talk about whatever I like, share my thoughts, be curious about other people, inspire, laugh, make other people laugh, share knowledge

There is a common theme in all of this and when I narrow it down I realise that I just want to help people find their truth of where they feel like they are the best person they can be. Today we get thought that there is one right way to do things. There is one right diet, one right way of exercise, one right way of dressing (sort of), and if we follow the “right” way that society has cut down for us we turn into robots, we compare ourselves and judge others, we feel guilty and we basically get unhappy.

I want to inspire people to ask themselves, their real self not their part-robotic-self, what they need and figure themselves out without any influences from outside. And I want to do that through communication, though laughter, through writing and through being vulnerable. Writing about this shit makes my hands fly over the keyboard. It makes my soul do pirouettes inside.

I want to create a life where this is who I am all of the time and inspire as many young and old people as possible to turn off/steer away from a life on autopilot. Steer away from that life where they live doing what they think that they should do, not what they really want to do. It has taken me so long to realise what I want to do that make my life feel like a living holiday, and now when I know how I want to spend my time, my life, I just have to do it and believe in myself enough to keep at it until my reality is in line with my passions and my love. I hope that by sharing my thoughts on things maybe I can cut that trip short for people so that they can find that road to freedom faster than I did.

I don’t have to listen to people who are to afraid to be who they really want to be

In the end I realise that we – ourselves – have to put ourselves in situations where we feel happy to be us. The more I realize that I am free to be just the way I am, the less I expect people to change my life for me. I used to want help from all outside sources to just “fix me” – make me normal.  In realising that most people who are “normal” are just scared of being free, I embrace everything normal and less normal that comes from inside of me, and that makes me feel happy, because only then I can feel authentic with who I am. I don’t have to listen to people who are to afraid to be who they really want to be.  I am happy to be me, and happy for everyone who has found the strength to be them. Together we can just be in our world where there isn’t a right and a wrong.

My inspiration to do good

I look back at times and see what my reality was like and I wish for nobody to feel that obsessed with being perfect and accepted. It’s simply a distraction from what life is really all about. Being happy, enjoy, learn and share moments with people you can do all of that with. LAUGH for goodness sake. Maybe it is a journey that is so different for everyone that sharing my mistakes isn’t near enough. Because in the end, the things that I suddenly realized people had told me over and over again, and I had listened but not felt and truly made the connection inside me that what they were saying was the truth.

You cannot change something overnight unless you feel the change inside you. I believe that you can be inspired by changes and shifts within and the more inspired you are to make good changes the closer to that emotional shift you will get. It’s more than frustrating sometimes when you try so hard but don’t feel what you want to feel, but that’s where faith and trust are so important. Believe that if you just keep reaching for that peace of mind you want to feel, you will get there in time.

I thought that I should share some sources of inspirations that I have, who has taught me a lot about health, freedom, dreams and love. I believe that listening to them has conditioned me so that now I can experience this love for myself and the world, and finally, after so many years of war in my head, have a peace of mind.

Miki Agrawal – FUCK! Her and her twin sister are the coolest girls I am inspired by at the moment. I have just finished Miki’s book “Do cool shit” and it made my mind spin, my inspiration flourish and my hunger for doing amazing shit in this world spike. She is genuine, loving, forgiving, honest, creative, driven, sharing, caring and so inspiring. INSPIRATION, ACTION, EMPATHY

Tony Robbins – He is actually one of the most inspiring persons out there and I love listening to him when I feel stuck, because it always inspire me to take some actions towards being who I want to be and doing what I want to do. ACTIO

Rhonda Patricks – investigates everything that has to do with longevity. Instead of focusing on weight loss and transforming your body she focuses on how nutrition and exercise affects your mind and body – within. She is so passionate about feeding your body the best so that you can make the most out of your life. HEALTH and CURIOSITY

Joe Rogan – I love that he has created a platform where he can be free and curious. No-one can tell him how to act, what to say or not to say. His job is to be as much himself as he possible can, and that is my biggest goal. His podcasts are so interesting since he always interviews people who are one of the best in their fields and he ask them the exact questions that I am interested in. I love that he doesn’t follow any rules or restrictions. FREEDOM and CURIOSITY

Wim Hof – His method has changed my life and health amazingly. Now my whole family are breathing and cold showering like mad people. HEALTH

Robert Castillo – I really enjoy listening to Robert talking about the purpose of life when I feel anxious. You know that feeling when you feel semi guilty about doing fuck all or maybe feeling like you aren’t doing anything “important” with your life but in that moment you simply need to just breath. Listen to Robert and understand that life is perfect just the way it is, even when you feel sad or angry, frustrated or extremely happy. He talks in a way that make me realise that everything I feel and do are for a good reason. When we try to control things, that’s when we start to create our own problems. Live and let life flow the way it is supposed to. LOVE

Where I’m at – such an important question!

I need to find a way out. I need to make this happen, how? Please help me figure this shit out. Help me to be free. I want to feel like I am doing something good, for people to appreciate. I need to teach young girls to be free. I need to love the world with words. 

Yesterday I felt.. helpless. Close to panic mode. I felt like I was locked in a house, with a big window looking out over the palm trees, the ocean and a perfect spot of grass for me to lay on. Yesterday I felt like I had tried to find my way out to the palm tree, but the house didn’t let me out. I had tried all the different ways of getting out, but not even breaking the massive window allowed me to cross to the other side. I could see where I wanted to go, but I didn’t (and still don’t really) know how to get there. It is frustrating on so many levels. I know what I want but I cannot compromise on my thoughts, beliefs and my freedom. I know that I will get there, I will be under that fucking metaphorical palm tree, but when you feel like you don’t know what your next move is, that can sometimes be a really unforgiving feeling to have.

The tram route I’m on drives under a bridge. There under a lady lives. I see her there often, in a bed with fluffy pillows and stuffed animals. I am so happy that the bridge covers her home when it rains. She has a phone too. She has put up a camp there and every time I go past her the spot looks more and more like a living room. She has got drawers and bins, closed the area off with some cloth racks, and you can tell that she is a very neat person. I admire her. I hope she is happy. I saw the tram driver who had driven me in to the city, an old man in a fluoro vest, walking away from his shift, and my eyes were tearing up. I don’t know why, I just really hope he is happy too.

I walked up Bourke street, feeling flat. Then suddenly in the middle of the pedestrian crossing in a wave of people in grey, black and white suits, this thought appeared in my mind. I realised that this feeling, that helpless, scared feeling that had caught me that morning I have had so many times before. Years and years I spent crying out of fear of being forever alone in this world. I lost my hope that nobody would ever understand me and see that I have so much love to give, but then I gained it back. Then I lost it. Then got it back. Every time I lost it, my whole world collapsed around me. But I managed to build it back up and keep living.

I couldn’t tell you how many times I have felt defeated by my own body too. Like my body was that house and I couldn’t escape. I have felt like the skin on my body is wrong, like I am not a part of it, and I have had no fucking clue of how to befriend my own shell. From time to time I have also lost all hope of ever feeling at home in my own skin. What if I will live my life alone, and without ever feeling happy and free in the skin I’m in? P A N I C and helplessness. I felt defeated over and over again, but I did what I had to do to live on. I tried everything and failed, but always learnt a new way that wasn’t the right one, which I now know brought me one step closer to peace.

On that street corner of Bourke street and whatever street is crossing, in the middle of a black-grey wave of suited up men and woman I had to sit down and bring my notepad out. I just had to write this down in case I ever forget where I am at right now. I’m at a place right now that back then I had no fucking idea of how to get to. Just the fact that I know that I will spend the rest of my life with Adrian, who is almost as wako as I am, is crazy if I think about it. He was my biggest dream. And my biggest fear was to never experience what we have together. The fact that I am free from that panic of wondering is worth celebrating every day. Every time I see him I feel so proud, happy, excited, in love, grateful, amazed, lucky…. All of the good feelings. And that to me is such a huge success.

And for fucking ten years I have been fighting with my body. Hating, punishing, judging, comparing, starved, over trained, my little ride of a body. I have been told that “eating disorders is something that you will always live with”, and I have accepted that. Until now. Nobody should accept that bullshit. There is a way even in the darkest of dark that we can travel to get out of that shithole of a mindset, I promise you that. I have been so focused on learning to accept my body and mind that it has taken up all of my time. I haven’t found the time to focus on my passions or figuring out how I really want to spend my time, until now. I have been busy dealing with my inside/outside shit. But now, when I have failed and learnt over and over again and can finally not just accept, but actually be proud of my body and my mind, I have to stop and celebrate and appreciate that success too, for real.

I don’t think that I have ever had this much energy, been this free from damaging rules and comparison. I am so fucking grateful that I have won two of the hardest battles in my life, and I am so grateful for the peace of mind it has brought to me. I had to stop there, in the middle of the street to save the moment when I realised that two things I thought I would never achieve/have I now sometimes take for granted, because it is a part of me. So where am I at right now?

I am finally at a place where I exist with a calm and open mind. Instead of thinking about my body and what I haven’t got, I can now focus all of my time on creating a way for me to live through being passionate. I have worked on my self so much that nothing else is distracting me anymore. Living with passion one hundred present at the time, doing shit that matters for myself and others is the new obsession, and when I think about it, it is a so much better obsession than the once I have fought before.

That feeling of feeling trapped in a house that I have felt over and over again in my life is suddenly not so scary. I have been trapped in real scary houses. Once with no light, now vision. The house I am trying to figure out how to open up this time is so much less scary because for the first time in my life I actually know where I want to go. I just have to figure out how to get there. And I know that in a near future I will be looking back at my panic and feel for myself like I now feel for the person I once was now, and wish that I could help me over to the other side, out to that fucking metaphorical palm tree. I know what I have to do; I just haven’t figured it out yet.

In dark moments, look at what you have achieved that you never thought you would, and celebrate the shit out of that. Tonight I’m going to do just that with gluten free (don’t know why I really wanted to add that in) pizza, soup and red wine. And my Adrian of course.

GUILT

What an interesting feeling that is. I hate it, but it is fascinating to me, still. All the things I do that I don’t want to do I do because of this lingering feeling in my body, or rather to avoid feeling it. I know that now, just realized it. I am aware and that is the first step towards change. In one way guilt has ruled my life since I was a little child. I felt guilty for everything. When I was crying hysterically, 7 years old, a teacher got furious because someone had taken glue tag from all the paintings outside her classroom, and that someone was me. That is the first memory I have from feeling totally consumed by guilt. I didn’t know what to do. I just cried and cried until my mum made me call my teacher to confess. What a relief. That started a spiral of truth. And confessing. I learnt that if I just followed order, not disappoint anyone, I wouldn’t feel guilty. So after that I did everything to be the perfect student, friend and… being. Not for myself, but because I was so scared of feeling “it”.

Shit, I’ve let my fear of guilt rule my life for so long. It has been my biggest distraction from finding and following my own interest and heart. I’ve been so focused on not “hurting” anyone to avoid that clump in my throat, that glue in my stomach. That pressure over my chest.

One of my biggest successes this year has been to fight all my made up “shoulds” in my head and focus on what I genuinely feel like and want to do. I haven’t realised, until now, that I have actually been fighting with my feelings of guilt.

It is linked to so many other mechanisms in my body and brain and I can’t wait to dig deeper into this, I know that I can only win. Guilt is connected to my constant comparison to others, and to my ego. It makes me feel less worth if I’m not doing what everyone else are doing, or wants me to do. It prohibit me from actually follow my own wants and needs. It makes me do shit half arsed because I am doing shit I don’t really feel like doing, but I do them anyway, do avoid feeling guilty.

Forever, up until now, I’ve thought that I need constant approval from others, and that has been what has driven me to do shit. The more I think about it the more I start to realise that ninety-precent of the time I recon I have done these things to avoid that fucking chest lump. I want to have as little as possible for people to be disappointed in me for. And that is not what I want my drive in life to be. I want my engine to be my emotions and my goal to be to the best I can possibly be, for myself, not the least disappointing for others.