What an interesting feeling that is. I hate it, but it is fascinating to me, still. All the things I do that I don’t want to do I do because of this lingering feeling in my body, or rather to avoid feeling it. I know that now, just realized it. I am aware and that is the first step towards change. In one way guilt has ruled my life since I was a little child. I felt guilty for everything. When I was crying hysterically, 7 years old, a teacher got furious because someone had taken glue tag from all the paintings outside her classroom, and that someone was me. That is the first memory I have from feeling totally consumed by guilt. I didn’t know what to do. I just cried and cried until my mum made me call my teacher to confess. What a relief. That started a spiral of truth. And confessing. I learnt that if I just followed order, not disappoint anyone, I wouldn’t feel guilty. So after that I did everything to be the perfect student, friend and… being. Not for myself, but because I was so scared of feeling “it”.
Shit, I’ve let my fear of guilt rule my life for so long. It has been my biggest distraction from finding and following my own interest and heart. I’ve been so focused on not “hurting” anyone to avoid that clump in my throat, that glue in my stomach. That pressure over my chest.
One of my biggest successes this year has been to fight all my made up “shoulds” in my head and focus on what I genuinely feel like and want to do. I haven’t realised, until now, that I have actually been fighting with my feelings of guilt.
It is linked to so many other mechanisms in my body and brain and I can’t wait to dig deeper into this, I know that I can only win. Guilt is connected to my constant comparison to others, and to my ego. It makes me feel less worth if I’m not doing what everyone else are doing, or wants me to do. It prohibit me from actually follow my own wants and needs. It makes me do shit half arsed because I am doing shit I don’t really feel like doing, but I do them anyway, do avoid feeling guilty.
Forever, up until now, I’ve thought that I need constant approval from others, and that has been what has driven me to do shit. The more I think about it the more I start to realise that ninety-precent of the time I recon I have done these things to avoid that fucking chest lump. I want to have as little as possible for people to be disappointed in me for. And that is not what I want my drive in life to be. I want my engine to be my emotions and my goal to be to the best I can possibly be, for myself, not the least disappointing for others.