I need to find a way out. I need to make this happen, how? Please help me figure this shit out. Help me to be free. I want to feel like I am doing something good, for people to appreciate. I need to teach young girls to be free. I need to love the world with words.
Yesterday I felt.. helpless. Close to panic mode. I felt like I was locked in a house, with a big window looking out over the palm trees, the ocean and a perfect spot of grass for me to lay on. Yesterday I felt like I had tried to find my way out to the palm tree, but the house didn’t let me out. I had tried all the different ways of getting out, but not even breaking the massive window allowed me to cross to the other side. I could see where I wanted to go, but I didn’t (and still don’t really) know how to get there. It is frustrating on so many levels. I know what I want but I cannot compromise on my thoughts, beliefs and my freedom. I know that I will get there, I will be under that fucking metaphorical palm tree, but when you feel like you don’t know what your next move is, that can sometimes be a really unforgiving feeling to have.
The tram route I’m on drives under a bridge. There under a lady lives. I see her there often, in a bed with fluffy pillows and stuffed animals. I am so happy that the bridge covers her home when it rains. She has a phone too. She has put up a camp there and every time I go past her the spot looks more and more like a living room. She has got drawers and bins, closed the area off with some cloth racks, and you can tell that she is a very neat person. I admire her. I hope she is happy. I saw the tram driver who had driven me in to the city, an old man in a fluoro vest, walking away from his shift, and my eyes were tearing up. I don’t know why, I just really hope he is happy too.
I walked up Bourke street, feeling flat. Then suddenly in the middle of the pedestrian crossing in a wave of people in grey, black and white suits, this thought appeared in my mind. I realised that this feeling, that helpless, scared feeling that had caught me that morning I have had so many times before. Years and years I spent crying out of fear of being forever alone in this world. I lost my hope that nobody would ever understand me and see that I have so much love to give, but then I gained it back. Then I lost it. Then got it back. Every time I lost it, my whole world collapsed around me. But I managed to build it back up and keep living.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I have felt defeated by my own body too. Like my body was that house and I couldn’t escape. I have felt like the skin on my body is wrong, like I am not a part of it, and I have had no fucking clue of how to befriend my own shell. From time to time I have also lost all hope of ever feeling at home in my own skin. What if I will live my life alone, and without ever feeling happy and free in the skin I’m in? P A N I C and helplessness. I felt defeated over and over again, but I did what I had to do to live on. I tried everything and failed, but always learnt a new way that wasn’t the right one, which I now know brought me one step closer to peace.
On that street corner of Bourke street and whatever street is crossing, in the middle of a black-grey wave of suited up men and woman I had to sit down and bring my notepad out. I just had to write this down in case I ever forget where I am at right now. I’m at a place right now that back then I had no fucking idea of how to get to. Just the fact that I know that I will spend the rest of my life with Adrian, who is almost as wako as I am, is crazy if I think about it. He was my biggest dream. And my biggest fear was to never experience what we have together. The fact that I am free from that panic of wondering is worth celebrating every day. Every time I see him I feel so proud, happy, excited, in love, grateful, amazed, lucky…. All of the good feelings. And that to me is such a huge success.
And for fucking ten years I have been fighting with my body. Hating, punishing, judging, comparing, starved, over trained, my little ride of a body. I have been told that “eating disorders is something that you will always live with”, and I have accepted that. Until now. Nobody should accept that bullshit. There is a way even in the darkest of dark that we can travel to get out of that shithole of a mindset, I promise you that. I have been so focused on learning to accept my body and mind that it has taken up all of my time. I haven’t found the time to focus on my passions or figuring out how I really want to spend my time, until now. I have been busy dealing with my inside/outside shit. But now, when I have failed and learnt over and over again and can finally not just accept, but actually be proud of my body and my mind, I have to stop and celebrate and appreciate that success too, for real.
I don’t think that I have ever had this much energy, been this free from damaging rules and comparison. I am so fucking grateful that I have won two of the hardest battles in my life, and I am so grateful for the peace of mind it has brought to me. I had to stop there, in the middle of the street to save the moment when I realised that two things I thought I would never achieve/have I now sometimes take for granted, because it is a part of me. So where am I at right now?
I am finally at a place where I exist with a calm and open mind. Instead of thinking about my body and what I haven’t got, I can now focus all of my time on creating a way for me to live through being passionate. I have worked on my self so much that nothing else is distracting me anymore. Living with passion one hundred present at the time, doing shit that matters for myself and others is the new obsession, and when I think about it, it is a so much better obsession than the once I have fought before.
That feeling of feeling trapped in a house that I have felt over and over again in my life is suddenly not so scary. I have been trapped in real scary houses. Once with no light, now vision. The house I am trying to figure out how to open up this time is so much less scary because for the first time in my life I actually know where I want to go. I just have to figure out how to get there. And I know that in a near future I will be looking back at my panic and feel for myself like I now feel for the person I once was now, and wish that I could help me over to the other side, out to that fucking metaphorical palm tree. I know what I have to do; I just haven’t figured it out yet.
In dark moments, look at what you have achieved that you never thought you would, and celebrate the shit out of that. Tonight I’m going to do just that with gluten free (don’t know why I really wanted to add that in) pizza, soup and red wine. And my Adrian of course.