Lately I have felt a little… impatient in lack of a better term. I am not working much in the store I have been at for the past two years, which is part of my goals. My soul needs to take off and surround myself with young people. But with working less in the store this feeling of stress invades my space more often than I would like it to. It’s ironic how that works, but I know that it is mainly because I am still waiting to find my way on which I can spread my love on, and I am ready to take off.
I dream about big stuff, where I actually help young girls and boys to stop thinking that they aren’t good enough the way they are. With that I mean that I want all people to realise that we are all just people, nobody is right or wrong even if some people are good at convincing you that there is a right and a wrong. Just because there are trends, rules, do’s and don’ts to follow out there it is so much more than ok not to follow them all, if you have natural urges to do so.
Trends and rules are just made up by people who either passionately express themselves by the rules and believe that everyone should do the same as them, or by people who aren’t capable of thinking for themselves and/or are disconnected to what they actually like and who they actually are. By following what everyone else is doing or what school is teaching you to do without questioning if that is actually how you are going to feel free, happy and excited about living as who you truly are is dangerous. The biggest realisation that has given me so much more confidence lately is that I actually felt in my whole body that if I just listen to what I believe is fun, right and important to my soul, I will feel free and excited about living my life. I have started to develop a trust for myself, because if I want to be able to live a life where I can write and help others to connect with their individuality and passions comfortably I have to trust that I can do it. And I do trust myself with this, simply because I love doing it.
“Being true to who you are” is such a cliché expression that has always sounded right, but to me it has always been just that; a cliché expression. I have thought that I have been true to who I am just by doing what the majority of the people are doing, because that has to be right, right?
I think about all the times I have hung out at the “coolest” clubs and just wishing that I was in a shitty pub eating peanuts and drinking beer, talking about fun stuff
In a lot of situations for me, trying to act, be and strive for what the majority of people around me want has made me seriously unhappy. I have gone crazy, and not in the good-crazy way. Fuck, I think about all the times I have hung out at the “coolest” clubs and just wishing that I was in a shitty pub eating peanuts and drinking beer, talking about fun stuff, instead of being in this ocean of noise and peacocks. But still, I have followed what the majority of people are doing and are striving for, for years and years. I have never felt more lost then when I have been in my high heals I simply cannot walk in (think newborn giraffe) acting as if I am dancing and having fun when in fact I have no idea how to genuinely move to the music that is playing. I think that I can drink myself comfortable but that never works. When you do things just to follow the crowd I find that it is hard to be authentic with anything.
I feel at home around people who are genuinely interested in each other’s thoughts, who want to play games, who can make fools out of themselves. I feel at home with people who don’t care about shit that rimes with exclusive, fancy, luxury and premium. I feel attracted to passions, honesty and vulnerability.
In saying that it doesn’t mean that I look away from good restaurants and pleasures where you might have to cough up a little extra. I love good food and one of my main goals is to fly business class (because my legs fucking hurt when I fly). Now I do what I do because I genuinely want to do what I do, not because I want other people to think that I am normal and cool. Just they thought of never have to feel like an insecure baby giraffe again is freeing.
When I grew up I wanted to be a:
Doctor – because they get paid well and I could make people feel better
A writer – because I love writing
A nutritionist – because I was obsessed with food and had eating disorders and thought that I could help girls like myself
A police – Because I could work out at work and be cool and sympathetic with young kids
A journalist – make a difference through writing, and write about cool shit
A teacher – So I could influence kids to see the truth and the love and learn from the mistakes humans have done in the history
A radio host – So I can talk about whatever I like, share my thoughts, be curious about other people, inspire, laugh, make other people laugh, share knowledge
There is a common theme in all of this and when I narrow it down I realise that I just want to help people find their truth of where they feel like they are the best person they can be. Today we get thought that there is one right way to do things. There is one right diet, one right way of exercise, one right way of dressing (sort of), and if we follow the “right” way that society has cut down for us we turn into robots, we compare ourselves and judge others, we feel guilty and we basically get unhappy.
I want to inspire people to ask themselves, their real self not their part-robotic-self, what they need and figure themselves out without any influences from outside. And I want to do that through communication, though laughter, through writing and through being vulnerable. Writing about this shit makes my hands fly over the keyboard. It makes my soul do pirouettes inside.
I want to create a life where this is who I am all of the time and inspire as many young and old people as possible to turn off/steer away from a life on autopilot. Steer away from that life where they live doing what they think that they should do, not what they really want to do. It has taken me so long to realise what I want to do that make my life feel like a living holiday, and now when I know how I want to spend my time, my life, I just have to do it and believe in myself enough to keep at it until my reality is in line with my passions and my love. I hope that by sharing my thoughts on things maybe I can cut that trip short for people so that they can find that road to freedom faster than I did.
I don’t have to listen to people who are to afraid to be who they really want to be
In the end I realise that we – ourselves – have to put ourselves in situations where we feel happy to be us. The more I realize that I am free to be just the way I am, the less I expect people to change my life for me. I used to want help from all outside sources to just “fix me” – make me normal. In realising that most people who are “normal” are just scared of being free, I embrace everything normal and less normal that comes from inside of me, and that makes me feel happy, because only then I can feel authentic with who I am. I don’t have to listen to people who are to afraid to be who they really want to be. I am happy to be me, and happy for everyone who has found the strength to be them. Together we can just be in our world where there isn’t a right and a wrong.