Whenever I have to put myself in a new situation in form of a new job, being in an environment I am not familiar with where something is expected of me I get really anxious beforehand. With really anxious I mean that there is this lump in my upper chest, almost in my throat and it feels like it is blocking my real emotions from living through my body. I believe that I am scared of looking stupid, scared of not being good enough right from the start. I feel lost. The thing is that when I am actually doing what I am supposed to do I usually feel fine (unless I am being starred at). The anxiety is worst before, and I keep being anxious until I feel completely comfortable in my new environment.
I am a settle in kind of person who loves being comfortable, I want to know that I know. It can be dangerous because if I am not on the case I might get stuck in places where I am not living at my fullest potential, but I am staying because I am scared of the exact feeling I just described. The heavy chest and emotional blockage. Luckily I value happiness so high that staying at a place that doesn’t make me expand and live in excitement is never an option for me.
Trying new things, and entering a scene where people who know what to do have to watch you learn is frightening to me. For some reason I don’t like learning, I like knowing. But one rarely comes without the other, so how can I overcome the learning curve without feeling this lump in my chest? At the end of the day I know that I will look back on learning wishing that I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself.
There is something with the unknown that gives me anxiety. I don’t know what it is but I am so curious of figuring it out, because I think that can really help me becoming a much more open, spontaneous and control free person. I think that if I can get to the source of why the unknown scares me more than it excites me then I can flip it and live life as if happens rather than trying to constantly have everything under control. I want to enjoy the ride, not just focus on the destination sort of speak.
I remember in year four when we had one mixed class per week and we had to cooperate with the kids in other classrooms, with their teachers and in their way. This changeup gave me severe stomachache and anxiety weeks before it actually happened. And when the day came I wasn’t myself. One day we had to watch a movie with all the other kids and I cried until the teacher let me go home instead. I was so nervous sitting in another classroom, where I wasn’t feeling at home but other people were.
It is so contradictory to my whole personality. I am not at all scared of attention, rather the opposite, and social is my middle name. I’ve talked before I even left my mothers stomach. There is some paranoid element to my whole being though where I believe that people can see when I am uncomfortable, and think I am in their way or something. I am scared of people not wanting me in their space.
I am scared of people thinking that I am annoying, doing things “wrong”, being in the way. Basically I focus so much on what other people might think of me, that I unable myself to experience new things in a positive way. Instead of just being who I am, doing and trusting that what I am doing is right I focus on what other people might be thinking that I am doing wrong. But I cannot know what they might be thinking so the whole process is a waste of time. It is not my worries to take on, because if I simply just live my life, enjoying the journey, following my inner compass and trusting that I do my best in every situation, then why do I even care what others think? It actually doesn’t get me anywhere other than it will create that lump in my chest with the question “am I good enough for you?” written on it. Instead I need to realise that I will not be good enough for myself unless I start focusing on what I can do.
Life can be whatever you want it to be, the key is to figure out how to act in order for you to feel free. I want my life to be like a party, I have to stop caring what others think, because it will just make me not enjoy the actual party but look back at it thinking that “it wasn’t so bad after all”. I want to enjoy every situation in my life, help out where help is needed and laugh as much as possible. I want to be curious of the people around me, ask them questions and grow as a person. After all, I don’t want to live life taking everything so damn serious. seriousness is such a mood kill, and if it’s not life or death I do prefer doing shit with a lot of humor involved.
I haven’t quite figured all of this out yet and if you have any tips on how to overcome or deal with this kind of anxiety and worrying I would be so pleased to hear what you have to say. Share your stories. I find that just by talking about this it relieves so much of that pressure.