I am developing a new relationship to anxiety and other uncomfortable feelings, and I am finding it quite interesting. I realized that any emotion is just an emotion that my body is capable of feeling, I wonder how many emotions other people are capable of feeling that I have never experienced? Often my feelings appear in my body as a reaction to something that I “have to” do (I am thinking ahead, worrying or trying to control the future) or I might react to what someone has said to me. Sometimes my feelings and emotions are just present in my body without a reason that I am aware of.
Lately I have been carrying this anxiety with me in the mornings and I am trying to understand where it is coming from so that I can release it. So far it is just a feeling. I was thinking that maybe it has to do with the transitioning period I am in in my life where I feel like I sometimes have no control. Maybe it is the face that my brain is loosing control over me, and I am learning to live a free life? In that case, bring it on!
I have also been thinking about insecurity. What is that feeling really? Insecurity appears in my body when I am scared of being alone and exposed. It comes from being afraid of having nobody on your side. Insecurity is an emotion that is deeply connected to just doing what other people are doing because you are too afraid to follow what it is that you really want to do if that isn’t what others are doing. You are afraid of being alone on your journey.
A lack of insecurity would put you in a position where you can actually just be who you want to be without any worries about what other people think of you. A lack of insecurity opens up a space for trust and in trust you can find the emotional path where you can walk guided only by your own internal emotional compass.
If you forget for a second that insecurity exists, see what possibilities are opening up in front of you. The possibility of being genuinely you?
My feelings isn’t who I am; neither are my thoughts. I am trying to figure out what part my emotions and my thoughts are playing in the game of who I am. It is relieving when I can step out of my own body and just see the thoughts and emotions come and go, while I am always the same. The awareness of who I am doesn’t change with my emotions or with my thoughts although my emotions can change my thoughts and vice versa. So who am I in all of this? If I am not my emotions or my thoughts, then what are my emotions trying to tell me?
For such a long time I haven’t known what real freedom feels like, and now that I know, I want to be with that emotion forever. The first time I truly felt free I almost got scared because so many possibilities opened up in front of my eyes. Whenever I lack the feeling of freedom I feel strangled. Maybe that is all it is. My body is pushing me towards constant freedom. If I just let it do what it is doing to me I’ll be reborn a complete free spirit.