I am so proud of you, my Adrian!

I have to write about this, because it makes me so extremely happy, proud and excited. Adrian and I have always had plans and big dreams together. We both know what each others dreams are and the support is always there to work with and towards each those dreams, knowing that they are actually the reality if we live in them, towards them and with them.

I remember walking along the streets where we now live together, four years ago when we had only been a couple for a few of weeks, and I asked Adrian what his dream job would be, if he could do anything in the whole world.

He didn’t hesitate for more than a second before he said that he would be a professional punter. He then went on to tell me how the market had changed and now it was all these reasons to why it would be too risky to place all your eggs in that basket. Before he started contemplating all the things that would work against him if he actually were to fulfil his dream I saw in him a person with a genuine dream and passion for something.

For now, lets just be kids.

Two years went by and we partied along together, like most couples. We argued when we were “out on the piss”, like most couples do, we both wanted the other person to know that they were wrong when we believed that we were in the right, like most couples want. We talked about our future together, knowing that we had to change, willing to do so; but not now, we thought. For now, lets just be kids.

We were both scared of “the real world” as people like to call it. The 9-5 work week in a suited up job, where we are told when to start, what to do, where to be and when to eat. We were both scared of “the real world” where the weekend and time off work is when we can actually do what we want. At that time we just wanted to live like that all the time. We weren’t ready for “the real world”. Thinking about it made us sad and stressed out. But what do you do? We had to do it, because that’s what adults should do.

After those two years of being afraid of the responsibility of “the real world” we suddenly started to understand that we only had to live in that “real world” if we chose to. There are people out there living the life that we’d like to live, where we can do everything we want to do, when we want to do it. There are people out there who take responsibility over their own dreams and decide to follow them. There are people out there that choose not to live in the “real world” and they love everything about life. The more we started to play with the idea of living our dream life together the more we realised that the only people stopping us from doing that is us.

We both had jobs, we saw it as a start, only to support us getting up on our feet. Every minute of every day we knew that we were working towards that dream. Knowing that we were working towards it made the dream already exist with us; we were already living it. And we are, now more than ever.

for once, let me step aside for a minute

We have both been working two jobs side by side. Our “the real world” jobs and our passions and dreams (our real worlds) jobs. Every day we are getting closer to our passions, because we connect with them and we believe in them. But for once, let me step aside for a minute and talk about Adrian.

Every day, every week has he gone up at five in the morning and never complained to me once that he is tired or don’t want to go work. Ever. For two years he has literally chosen to love his job at a construction site, he has chosen to learn as much as possible about the industry and about the electrical work and even though I know that sometimes he has felt as if he would rather sit at home studying his passion with the horse-races I haven’t heard him complain about it once. When he comes home he goes strait to the work I know he wishes he could do full time and I can see in the lack of brakes he takes, that he absolutely love it. It completely absorb him.

This Monday we woke up to a normal day. Adrian had the day off and we went out for a walk to get some photos developed for our vision board we wanted to put up. When we got home we put all of our biggest dreams up on the wall in front of our bed so that it is the first thing we see in the morning. The whole creation is a compromising piece and it represents everything that we love – together. The day went by and we went over to Adrian’s parents house. I did my own thing there, worked on my own projects and the next thing I knew Adrian had decided to go balls deep into his dream.

Why wait two years to finish his apprenticeship when he knew that he will never negotiate on fulfilling his dream. Why stand with one foot in the “real world” and another in “our real world” when we could both just start living, now? The life we want to live is here for us to live now and we are the only people who can live it or not live it; and we want to live it now. Once Adrian made the call to his boss, letting him know that it is time for him to focus on his own dream the whole energy in the room shifted. Finally we have all the time in the world to do everything that we want to do. It is scary; yes. But it is the good kind of scary. It is more scary to think that this feeling have had the power over us to make us not live our dream life. If this feeling didn’t exist we would already be living this life. That’s scary.

The thing is that I know that Adrian would never stop working, ever, because now his work is actually what he is interested in. It is the kind of thing he wants to do even when we are on a holiday. It is the thing he want to do on his “days off”. So why not do it all the time, especially when it will support all our dreams? Now when we are here, it’s not scary anymore, it all just make sense.

A whole new world has opened up to us, and not until now do we realise that this world has always been open to us, we have just chosen to be living in the “real world” for whatever reasons and excuses we have made up because we have been afraid of cutting loose. Now, when we both are in it, balls and all parts deep, we have received everything we have ever wanted; time and trust to actually, finally and really live.

“Just breathe motherfuckers”. Wim Hof.

For some reason I had been extra agitated, easily annoyed and irritated and more controlling than I’d been for a long time when we arrived at the seminar in Gold Coast, Queensland. It was like I had no control over my emotions and that scared me (The reality is that I was going to get my period and my hormones was playing pranks on me). The night before we had argued and I almost didn’t feel like going to the seminar that I had looked forward to since I bought Adrian and myself the tickets in November. Leaving it I was overwhelmed with love and excitement to live.

Wim Hof and his method is starting to get more and more known and used all over the world. In fact Wim shared with us that one day he had been called up by Beyoncé’s assistant to come and help her get well for a concert later the same day. “Just breath, bitch” he had told her, with a twinkle in his eye, as he laid down on the floor next to Jay-Z and Beyoncé and guided them through the breathing method. Beyoncé cured her illness that session and could go on and do her best performance ever, according to Wim, later that night, and Wim himself kept going on spreading love and health in this world like he had never been snuggling with Jay Z.

Let out emotions

In a overfull room with 480 people we started breathing in to our stomach, up to our chest and into our brains to then let it go. We repeated that same movement maybe 40 times until we let it all out and held our breaths with no air in the lungs left. Slowly my hands started cramping and I felt this tingling sensation pulsing through my body. People started screaming, laughing, crying and shivering all around us. Towards the end we were basically laying on top of each other as if we were a human knitting.

Everyone’s response to this method is different but it has been shown to help people let out emotions that have been holding them back, some emotions that you might not even be aware that you are carrying around. One time I couldn’t stop crying when I was breathing at home by myself. It was a freeing cry though, as if I could finally let something go. You perform the cycle of 30-40 breaths at least 3 times in a row with a breath hold in between and every time you are able to hold your breath for longer.

What happens to the body when you perform this breathing technique is that you provide all your inner organs and cells with oxygen, which make them recharge. You also alkaline your body, which helps it to deal with all the acidity that we are exposed to on a daily basis.

The whole way Wim acts and speaks is… raw and honest. He doesn’t care about perfection, he isn’t sticking to a PR written program where he tries to maximise sales of his method, he cares about love. And he cares about the truth and about actual people. He wants to show the world that anything is possible if you just put your mind into it. He has proven that he can raise his body temperature whilst sitting covered in ice just by focus on producing heat. He has proven that anyone can learn how to breathe out a virus from his or her system; A university did a study where a group of people got injected with a dead e coli virus where half the group got taught Wims breathing and cold exposure method. The other half were used as a control group. Non of the people who practised the breathing and focusing after being injected with the virus showed any symptoms of illness while the whole control group were shivering, had fever and felt very ill for a couple of days after being injected.

We have gotten too comfortable

What I love about him is that he doesn’t travel the world screaming “look at me and what I can do” even though he is holding 26 world records where he mostly has exposed himself to extreme conditions. He doesn’t travel the world trying to make people buy his product in a sales-y kind of way. He travels the world with an invitation to anyone to explore and break down their own limitations and barriers. He push you to realise that you can do anything that you put your mind and body into. He has done all the things he has done so that scientists can study him in order to prove to the world that what he is doing is nothing impossible or special. Impossible is just a limitation in our brains and in our society and he wants to show that those limits doesn’t really exist.

The fact is that we have just gotten too comfortable. We put heaters on when we are cold and air-condition when it’s hot. Our bodies have never learned how to adjust to temperatures because we haven’t conditioned it to do so. Our bodies are spoilt, and you know what that means…. It has no patience and calm.

Don’t take everything so serious, he said, because life is serious enough anyway. In one way we have over complicated everything, and in another we have been making it too easy for us to live. We live in a reality where there are so many rights and wrongs and where the end goal seams to be to be as comfortable as possible. In one way I want my life to be comfortable, you know, I want to have the freedom of traveling to see my family whenever I want and not having to plan and save up the whole year in order to do so. And I love having a nice home and a comfortable bed.

But in another way we have gotten so comfortable that we have neglected and disconnected ourselves from the real life. I mean, we can, if we are not careful, end up living life without actually living it. When we do things just because we think that that is the way “society works” without questioning it, like putting aside our true passions in order to have time to get a “real” job, or eating easy assessable, cheap and processed food and not using our bodies to travel around with. That is the easiest way to live in the western society, that’s the norm, but are we happy and healthy? Do we feel as if we are fulfilling life? Some might say yes, but I’ve learnt for myself that living like the norm doesn’t make me happy, or healthy.

So, what did I learn from Wim Hof?

I learnt that if I believe and have true faith in my body that I can do whatever I want. The limitations and the power are all in my head.

I learnt that life is not to be taken so serious by the social standards today.

I learnt that cold and pain is just an emotion that can be controlled and soothed by the mind through breathing.

I learnt that perfection isn’t as charming, welcoming and loving as the reality – so never try to fake things in order to make it perfect.

And I learnt that depression, illnesses and limitations can be healed and broken through the power of your own body and mind.

“Just breathe motherfuckers”. Wim Hof.


Being yourself in a relationship!

Love. Love has been everything for me, forever. Forever love. From the moments when I couldn’t give myself love nor receive it from someone else there has been a painful hunger for love screaming with emptiness from inside myself. When I fell in love with Adrian, I was so happy, excited, nervous, sweaty and all the good feelings. But I was also scared of losing it all. I couldn’t dare just trusting that he would see what a good person I actually am, I wanted to prove it to him. I was scared of failing him and I was scared of doing him wrong. Without realising it I made it my life’s mission to be perfect for him, and if we had an argument I felt as if my whole world was collapsing. I couldn’t see that one argument is just an argument. I believed that once I’ve failed him, that’s it. I never wanted to feel as if I had done wrong.

Originally, why I finally accepted the opportunity to go to landmark was because I wanted to work on being myself in mine and Adrians relationship. I’ve found that I am happier than ever before being a part of our two-part team, it is all I’ve ever dreamt of, but still, why stop at that? Being scared of loosing everything that I have finally got made me promise myself never to be the reason of fucking shit up between us. I valued Adrians happiness higher than my own. I made sure that I could be everything and more fore him, making sure that he is always as happy as he can be. When you are with someone you always want to be around you sometimes forget to prioritise your friends, and your own will.

To make a four year story short: I have basically made myself one hundred percent available to Adrian and more or less been fitting in friends when I know that he is unavailable, always prioritising my availability to him. This is nothing that he has ever asked me to do, in fact he always supports me if I, on a rare occasion go and hang out with my friends. I both know and don’t know how it turned out like this.

Once again, insecurity is the answer. I am scared that he might need me when I am away, and feel as if I am not supporting him. I want to make sure that I can always help him out. I am scared that if I’m not there he want’s me there. At the same time I know that it is good to miss each other too.

Figuring myself out this weekend lead me to understand that I can be there for Adrian all the time even if I’m not physically available all the time. If I never make time for me to hang out with my friends, I might end up feeling alone and unhappy which would benefit no-one. I realized that it is so important for me to have passionate and exciting friendship too and I cannot take them for granted. I want my friends to know that they can count on me too, just as I know that I can count on them. I also need to make sure that I can always count on myself, because if I cant do that, I’m in trouble.

The thing with relationships are that if you end up in a world when it is just the two of you connecting with each other you end up missing out on so much information, emotions and expansion on both your life. I’ve realised that you need to connect with people outside of your duo bubble, go and collect new information, new experience to share with your partner so that you both can help and support each other to expand together.

After the landmark weekend I connected with so many people and took interest in their lives stories. I heard them figure out ways of dealing with emotional pain, I listen to them opening up completely in front of one hundred strangers. I opened up my mind to a lot of new tools, new ways of thinking and speaking with people. New ways of seeing the reality, and the fact that I could bring those new experiences and realizations back home to Adrian has also made his mind open up. Through being away from him, spending a whole weekend with strangers I could come back to him and build new channels in our relationships communication. That new openness has brought us closer to each other and I realised that if I wouldn’t have taken that time for myself, to do what I am passionate about I wouldn’t have had anything new to share with Adrian. That’s the beauty of still being able to be yourself in a relationship; you have even more to give, bring and share in the end than if you would’ve been 100 precent physically available for the other part, it’s how you actually grow together.

The engine to my guilt and people pleasing: Eva-Lena

The landmark series part one.

My head is spinning with thoughts and my body is full of emotions. This weekend has been full on, on so many levels and I can feel in and with my whole being that today is the beginning of a new era. I have left the past in the past and I am completely dedicated to the future. “Where do I go from here?” is the question, and backwards is the only answer that it is not.

I have been doing Landmark Forum over the weekend, basically questioning everything that I know, and how I know to act. For three days, 39 hours I have learnt a lot about myself and others and I have gotten access to some tools that I will use for the rest of my life. I am not going to lie though, a lot of it didn’t sit well with me, but instead of doing what I always have been doing, up until now, I didn’t try to get my point across and change the whole forum to fit into my reality. Even though I believe that some parts would be better changed I have realized that if I am going to change everything that doesn’t sit right with me there will be no energy and time left for me to live a passionate life. This is when choosing gets tough, and it has taken me 26 years to realise that I have to choose what I want change in this world. I have to choose what I want to focus on and then just let the rest go and leave it for someone else to change. Someone who will make it their life’s passion. Because there is no point doing it half arsed.

I realised that I cannot fit everything I have learnt about myself in one post, so over the next couple of days I will share all of what I have learnt this past weekend in a few different themes.

Enough of the justifying.

I have connected some really cool dots about my past, and I actually think that this is true. According to Landmark we all carry with us a couple of strong suits from our past. Basically you can track three big realizations in your life that since have defined who you are and how you act in this world. The first moment of definition happened somewhere from when you were borne til around six years old. You realised that something was wrong, or you had done wrong. Second is in the early teens and you realise that you are different, and last in the late teens and early twenties you realise that you are on your own.

These strong suits is, from what I gathered, based on negative experiences and for the rest of your life (if you don’t learn how to distance yourself from them) they will work for you as a form of defence mechanism to avoid you from ever feeling what you felt then ever again. I thought about who I have been in the past and what could possibly have helped shape that person and realised that my constant people pleasing and fright of feeling guilty must have started that day in after school care when I stole glue-tag of the paintings in school, to make a ball out of it. Later a teacher, Eva-Lena, ran in to where I was sitting screaming in front of everyone “WHO HAS STOLEN ALL THE GLUE-TAG, MY PAINTINGS ARE HANGING ON THREE QUARTER”. I felt this lump in my chest, as if I needed to vomit. I had done something wrong, and an adult I didn’t know was angry, with me. I felt ill. I panicked. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t confess to her, she was so scary and angry. Later when mum picked me up from school I cried and cried and believed that I could never live without this feeling again. This was who I was now. Guilty. It was unbearable for me. I felt like I had failed everything.  When my panic didn’t slow down and couldn’t stop crying mum made me call my own teacher and tell her what had happened. I remember mum dialling the number on the green phone in their bedroom and my teacher Inga picked up. When I confessed she said thank you so much, what a brave girl you are for telling me. The guilt escaped my body. I could breath again. The day after in class she told everyone that I had been such a brave person for confessing and she praised me in front of the whole room. She then asked if anyone else had taken glue-tag and mostly because everyone wanted to get praised they all put their hand up. It made me feel so free, telling her, but obviously that teacher yelling made me never break any rules in school ever again.

So… that moment is the reason to why I never studied for myself and needed all teachers to know that I was a good girl. I needed to be far away from ever being yelled at like that ever again. And until I graduated high school I had the best grades in all subjects (except maths because it is obviously too logical for me). To be honest I have no idea what the moral of the story is here. This pain I was in there obviously made me work with the rules I was given and it effected me in a way of being too cooperative in the rules of society. What I missed during all of these years was to figure out how to do things for myself and figure out what I actually was interested in, instead of just being a perfectly created student. I was a robot in school, programmed to do well. And I did. But when school finished and I had no one to please, I lived in chaos. It is crazy to think that a moment like that can have so much impact on a child, but I honestly think that it makes sense.

Figuring this moment out has cleared up a lot of things for me about myself and the way I’ve been living in this world. Just by knowing this I feel free to choose if that moment is a moment that I want to be the engine or the fuel to my way of living, and the answer is no. Eva-Lena is sitting somewhere in Sweden, having no idea how great her impact on me has been. I never knew her, because she was never my teacher, but in a way she has been following me my whole life. And to be fair, she caused me a lot of guilt, but I also have got to thank her for my good grades. Good grades that I will never really need in life.

I am now standing in the possibility of being free from trying to justify myself to authority. I don’t need everybody to think that I have done the right thing, I only need to know that I have done the right thing for me. From now on I will not dedicate my life to look good in front of others, I will dedicate my life to what I am interested in. so… where do I go from here?

My book is actually happening

The best and most memorable school assignment I have ever done was a psychology assignment in year 11. I don’t remember what it was called but it was something along the lines of “my life’s story”. I remember pulling all my diaries out and started typing. It completely absorbed me and I felt as if I could go on forever.

When my psychology teacher read it she told me to write a book about it, or she would. I loved writing it so much because it really made me connect to my emotions, so I continued. I cried, got frustrated and felt extremely passionate about it. I opened up all the taps to my soul and through writing I felt as if I could let some of the shit out and make peace with it.

I still feel this way about writing. I carry a lot of emotions; sometimes I carry not only my own but also others around me. Sometimes I think that I carry someone’s emotions around and it turns out that it is only in my own head. When I write I feel as if I unknot my knotted knots so that my blood and emotions can flow and reach places that has been unreachable inside of me.

So, I have been writing this book since I was 16 years old and now, finally, 10 years later it is getting ready to be published. I was so scared in the beginning. I was full of doubt. I was scared that people would reed it and think that I want their empathy and for them to feel sorry for me. But after working it through a couple of times I now know that those who need it the most will feel the freedom that I feel in writing it, and I know that in the right hands it can be the starting point of someone else’s journey to freedom. My intention with this book is to inspire girls (and boys) to connect with their real emotions and not identify themselves with their thoughts.

In 10 days I will get my book back from my editor and I am so excited to finally be able to finish what I started, a decade ago, and open up space for a whole new chapter of my life.

I know what I need to know

There are a lot of things that I know right now, about my life and the world that is my reality. I know that I have never felt this good in my body simply by learning how to let it rest and listen to what it needs, without constantly trying to control it. I know that I have never had this much confidence in just being myself, even when being myself isn’t being a part of the status quo (finally), simply by saying fuck it and stop trying to imagine what other people think about me. I know that I for the first time believe and trust that my instincts are right and the less I try to control any outcome and plan my life ahead the more abundance I feel. One after another my needs are being met, and I have to be grateful for that. I know that the more I appreciate and see all of this and everything that I have and welcome it in my life the more it will all make sense.

I know that I have taken a big step towards living a life through my passion, leaving my secure job without having an exact plan for how I will get to and land at my next destination, but I knew that I had to do this in order for me to be able to be one hundred precent me.

The only things that I don’t know right now is when, how and where, but that doesn’t matter at all to me, because I don’t have to plan and know everything before it happen. I just have to know what I know and know why I know it. I have to feel that I am on the right track, ready for the next chapter, and I know that I am. That is all I need to know. Now I just do what I know that I am supposed to do, and I trust that everything is working out the way that it is supposed to work out.

This is freedom.