Love. Love has been everything for me, forever. Forever love. From the moments when I couldn’t give myself love nor receive it from someone else there has been a painful hunger for love screaming with emptiness from inside myself. When I fell in love with Adrian, I was so happy, excited, nervous, sweaty and all the good feelings. But I was also scared of losing it all. I couldn’t dare just trusting that he would see what a good person I actually am, I wanted to prove it to him. I was scared of failing him and I was scared of doing him wrong. Without realising it I made it my life’s mission to be perfect for him, and if we had an argument I felt as if my whole world was collapsing. I couldn’t see that one argument is just an argument. I believed that once I’ve failed him, that’s it. I never wanted to feel as if I had done wrong.
Originally, why I finally accepted the opportunity to go to landmark was because I wanted to work on being myself in mine and Adrians relationship. I’ve found that I am happier than ever before being a part of our two-part team, it is all I’ve ever dreamt of, but still, why stop at that? Being scared of loosing everything that I have finally got made me promise myself never to be the reason of fucking shit up between us. I valued Adrians happiness higher than my own. I made sure that I could be everything and more fore him, making sure that he is always as happy as he can be. When you are with someone you always want to be around you sometimes forget to prioritise your friends, and your own will.
To make a four year story short: I have basically made myself one hundred percent available to Adrian and more or less been fitting in friends when I know that he is unavailable, always prioritising my availability to him. This is nothing that he has ever asked me to do, in fact he always supports me if I, on a rare occasion go and hang out with my friends. I both know and don’t know how it turned out like this.
Once again, insecurity is the answer. I am scared that he might need me when I am away, and feel as if I am not supporting him. I want to make sure that I can always help him out. I am scared that if I’m not there he want’s me there. At the same time I know that it is good to miss each other too.
Figuring myself out this weekend lead me to understand that I can be there for Adrian all the time even if I’m not physically available all the time. If I never make time for me to hang out with my friends, I might end up feeling alone and unhappy which would benefit no-one. I realized that it is so important for me to have passionate and exciting friendship too and I cannot take them for granted. I want my friends to know that they can count on me too, just as I know that I can count on them. I also need to make sure that I can always count on myself, because if I cant do that, I’m in trouble.
The thing with relationships are that if you end up in a world when it is just the two of you connecting with each other you end up missing out on so much information, emotions and expansion on both your life. I’ve realised that you need to connect with people outside of your duo bubble, go and collect new information, new experience to share with your partner so that you both can help and support each other to expand together.
After the landmark weekend I connected with so many people and took interest in their lives stories. I heard them figure out ways of dealing with emotional pain, I listen to them opening up completely in front of one hundred strangers. I opened up my mind to a lot of new tools, new ways of thinking and speaking with people. New ways of seeing the reality, and the fact that I could bring those new experiences and realizations back home to Adrian has also made his mind open up. Through being away from him, spending a whole weekend with strangers I could come back to him and build new channels in our relationships communication. That new openness has brought us closer to each other and I realised that if I wouldn’t have taken that time for myself, to do what I am passionate about I wouldn’t have had anything new to share with Adrian. That’s the beauty of still being able to be yourself in a relationship; you have even more to give, bring and share in the end than if you would’ve been 100 precent physically available for the other part, it’s how you actually grow together.