All the reasons to feel good…

I’m mostly using this space to figure out what I’m doing that isn’t working for me in order for me to be the person I know that I am and can be. I am using it to “talk it out” with myself with a hope that what I am saying might resonate with other souls out there who need to wake up in the same areas of life as me. But I have been feeling fantastic lately. It is almost scary.

Even though shit is a little bit unsure at the moment on some levels of my life I have never felt this strong force of confidence in the road I’m traveling on. I am scared that feeling this good will slip through my fingers and I will forget why I feel so good, but I am pretty sure that if I keep appreciating and keep being aware of where I am and why and what I am trying to achieve I can conserve this love for life and the universe and keep living in it. So I thought; why not share shit when it’s working well too. It’s another, new-ish type of reflection for me, and I like it.

A couple of things I believe add into this state of mind. To prepare to get of my antidepressants I have started to ramp up my probiotics and prebiotics. We are now making our own sauerkraut, other fermented vegetables (fermented eggplant is easy and amazingly good), and kombucha, which we make sure to eat/drink every day in addition to just taking probiotic supplements. For the past month or more we have also been having a green smoothie a la Stig Bengmark containing kale, spinach, celery, broccolisprouts, turmeric, pepper, coconut oil, ginger, cloves, sumac and lemon (sometimes we don’t use all the ingredients but if they are there we do). Every day we drink/eat this disgustingly tasting happiness boosting green hulky smoothie and I recon that it has really given me extra energy and happiness. With minimal exposure to gluten and dairy in combination with that I honestly feel healthier than I have ever felt.

See, I have always believed that I was eating healthy food and wondered why I never felt as I thought that I deserved to feel but looking back at my diet/diets and what I believed was healthy I see how blurred my reality was. I focused on maximizing protein and minimizing carbs and sugar but allowed myself artificial sweeteners and other chemically pumped food. No wonder I needed help to feel happy; I didn’t give my body the tools it needed to heal and create everything that I needed in order to feel amazing.

My diet now consist of Avocados, green bananas, quinoa, lentils, beans, all vegetables I can get my hands on, sweet potato, eggs, buckwheat, teff, chia seeds, flax seeds, stone cut oats, manuka honey, nuts and nut butters, 90% chocolate, olive oil and coconut oil and I think that I am on the right track – finally. I used to be scared of too much oils, nuts and avocados, I would rarely touch anything with carbs such as the sweet potato, bananas, teff and buckwheat flour  and I would limit my lentil and bean intake to a minimum and instead go for lean meats and fish for protein (even the good carbs and fats scared me. a lot). I basically believed that anything that wasn’t lean protein and low calorie vegetables would make me swell up like a balloon. Well, I am so glad that I am not living with that belief anymore, and so is my body and my mind.

On top of this I also make sure to supplement with vitamin D now when the Australian winter is here (if you can call it winter). That is one thing almost all doctors and scientists I listen to seem to agree on as the body cannot produce it for itself without the sun. We really seem to be affected on many levels if we are lacking vitamin D.

Coffee is not part of my daily routine anymore, I only drink it when I am having breakfast out. I think that the coffee caffeine might trigger anxiety for me, but I am not sure yet so I am trying to really connect to my emotions when I have it. Everyone knows that I can drink bathtubs full of coffee if my body allowed me to, but at the moment I am actually enjoying my coconut flavoured green tea almost as much. It also makes coffee extra special when I do have it.

The lack of hangovers is also a revolutionary boost of energy and peace of mind. God, every morning I wake up with no hang over I just thank myself for not drinking. That doesn’t mean that I never enjoy a drink because I do, but I know that if I want to sustain this feeling of joy, energy and happiness it cannot be a part of a weekly routine. So I choose not to drink per routine and if I do I either stop at max two drinks or know that I will feel a little less energized over the next few days. Usually I am not willing to bargain with feeling good because I enjoy it too much.

Finally I’ve found my way back to meditation and it sure does wonders to the mind and soul. Fuck I do actually love meditation. Resistance sometimes tries to get in between me and 15-20 minutes of stillness; but I have committed to do it, every day, and I win the fight almost every time. I always keep a notepad next to me because ideas seem to reach me when I quiet my mind and allow myself to listen to my soul. I realize what’s important. I see patterns I otherwise would’ve missed. Even if I can just remind myself to take a break in any task that I do during the day to take ten – thirty deep breaths I’m happy. It’s such a great pause. Just stop and breathe and let the air work its way to nourish your body.

So, this is what I have been working on and committing to, and by the way that I am feeling most of the time it seem to be working for me. Sooo I’ll keep on keeping on and constantly try to learn even more shit about everything that can make me a happier and healthier person.

Navigate in the present through the future?

I’ve really started to wrap my head around why it is so important to set goals and create a dream vision of your future life. Up until now I only thought that this, goal settings, had to do with some magical force that would give me everything I thought about if I believed in it deep enough. In the back of my mind a voice was always asking me if creating visions and setting goals is to escape the present moment and not live here and now. Is dreaming about the future to not live here and now at all? Here is what I just realized:

There is only here and now, that is true. In this moment all we can do is being, doing and acting with what we have in this moment. Each moment also give birth to a new moment in which we will act with what we have got then and there and so on. To have faith and trust in yourself is to believe, know and feel that in the future present moments I will make the right choices with my up to date knowledge and experiences.

But.. “right” choices for what purpose? What is right and what is wrong?

Well, if you dare to dream big (which everyone should learn how to) and listen to what you truly deeply want out of life, if you know where you want to travel mentally and physically – then you can trust that with knowing where you want to go – you will make the right decisions in every moment towards getting there.

If you have no idea where you are heading – the line between right and wrong can feel quite blurry in the moment and it is hard to know what to do right then and there that will bring you closer to your “ideal life situation” or even just create a present life that you can enjoy. In fact, when you have no idea of where you would love to head in life, there might not even be a right or wrong because you have nothing to measure it by. Everything is right and everything is wrong when you don’t care about where you are heading. You might just do what you do whilst you might ask yourself why “luck” never strikes you, or why you never get any good opportunities in life.

If you feel like that, like life hasn’t got your back and that good things never happen to you- you might have to ask yourself if you do know where you would like to go? Because it isn’t until you know what you want out of life that you will be able to act in the present moment in a way that will move you closer to that goal, you will be able to see opportunities that you probably would miss if you didn’t know where you want to head and you would be able to open up to the possibilities around you.

If you for example wish or dream about feeling amazing, being happy with who you are, having a job you love and enjoy life you have to map out what roads you have to travel for that to happen. You might have to make choices in the moment to look after your health through choosing food that will serve your body and gut and commit to meditate for 10-20 minutes every day. You would have to sit down and figure out what you want in your life that would make you happy, what job would fulfill you? Once you know how you would love to feel in the future it is easier for your present self to figure out what to do in each moment and enjoy the choices that you make.

You rarely feel lost if you know that you are on the right track. It is like navigating with your GPS; it will not know what road to turn on to unless there is a destination to navigate towards. In knowing where you are heading you will also appreciate the road – which we know is life. You will take breaks, fill up your tank, meet people along the way and you will also learn new things about the road and about yourself during the ride. The knew knowledge you open up to by being present in each moment will expand you as a person and transform you into a new person and might even transform your goal, and that is more than ok since life is supposed to be dynamic. We have to always be open to change and listen to what we feel here and now and not be scared to try out a new path but without something to reach towards chances are that we might end up our whole lives on the highway, just going and going without ever really seeing the beautiful life around.

So yes, being present in the moment is vital because if you are not present you are never fully living. But if you never know where you are heading, you will keep living in the same present moment forever- until you know where you want to head.

250 months of period- time to become friends

I am kind of lucky in a way because ever since I got those first stains of blood in my panties (pardon my French) I have never suffered from bad stomach ache, back ache, nausea or anything that disabled me physically before, and during my time of the month. I know a couple of woman who literally cannot move for a couple of days each month. Myself, I suffer from a mild little back pain and an occasional stomach cramp once every few months. That’s it. But… IN saying that though, I do not “get away” symptom free.

Fuck, there are a lot of frustrating things connected to this time of the month. There’s a will to be able to control “it” and be completely aware of what’s going on inside of me so that the emotions don’t take over my whole persona. There is a pressure (not only limited to my own mind) that us woman should be able to handle this because it is such a frequently reoccurring phenomena in our lives – we should know how to deal and handle it by now – I mean it happens twelve times a year- ish. Loosely counting I have had 250 times of practicing to get to know my symptoms, mood swings and hormonal disruptions but still, every month it manoeuvres me an completely take over my persona if I’m not extra aware.

U N D E R S T A N D where I AM COMING FROM

It is abstract and sneaks up on me, and because I can’t physically feel it; it’s hard to know when it is actually the real me being upset and when it is this “pain body” (that Eckhart Tolle calls it) that is being upset in the shape of me. Like if it was not just a part of me, but it rather was me, it make me feel like everything, then and there, make all the sense in the world. I can’t let the smallest things let go, I have to make whoever is around me (mostly Adrian) agree with what I say and U N D E R S T A N D where I AM COMING FROM. Constantly. There is a very strong need to be in the right and being justified that the emotions that I am feeling are ok and non exaggerated.

The thing that makes it hard to know when it is the reel me feeling and when it is my pain body feeling is that it is never an exact number of days before the period that I can expect this “pain body take over”. Sometimes it arrives more than a week before, and sometimes just a few days, and because it settles in quietly and make me feel as if what I am feeling I would feel any other day of the month I am having a hard time distancing myself from it.

When the pain body becomes a part of me I honestly feel as if it is the rest of the world (and again, mostly Adrian since he is most of my world) who are acting as if they are having PMS – not me. I feel as if they get more stubborn and willing to start an argument and I feel as if people are actually trying to be difficult – JUST THAT TIME OF MY MONTH. And the scary part is that that totally make sense to me. I think “Fuck they are being so stubborn and annoying right now” and I believe that the problem lies with them EVEN when I know that my period is coming up in the next couple of days. I ask myself “can it be me this time, remember last month you felt like this too and you are going to get your period soon, so maybe you should consider that you are actually feeling upset because of that not because of what is happening right now outside of your body” but then I agree with myself that “No, this time, this time is different to the other 249 previous months, this time people are trying to get on my nerves. It is THEM not ME.”

Every damn month

Another funny aspect is the fact that I think that this month I am actually gaining weight too. I find all sorts of proof to back up the fact that it is not those extra period kg’s that has dressed my body every 249 months prior to this month – this month I have been eating too much peanut butter and it is showing on my body for real a couple of days before my period is expected. My subconscious brain is questioning me and reminds me of all the past months, over the 15 years of period experiences, where I have been convinced, every single month, that I have gained “real” weight but then realised that it was just a part of my cycle. But I am as convinced, every damn month, that this month is different to all the other months.

It is kind of a beautiful thing in a way though, because I am trying to always live in possibility where the past doesn’t predict the future, meaning that just because something happened in a certain way in the past doesn’t mean that so it will in the future. But, at the same time I never let the past teach me about the future when it comes to me gaining weight and people being silly in that time of my month, I also more or less expect it to come every month which is kind of an internal contradiction.

I realized that I have to make it my mission to do something about this, find a strategy that can allow me to surf on top of this red wave rather than be completely drenched and overpowered by it. There must be a way of becoming so aware of it that it turns in to that stupid friend that takes everything a little bit too serious that you have learnt to laugh at and love.

In “The power of now” By Eckhart Tolle that is exactly what is recommended. First, we have to distance ourselves from the “pain-body” and understand that it is a force that is not us. It has come to settle in for a couple of days and it will try to take over the scene and make us believe that it is whom we are. It’s not. Eckhart Tolle suggest that this time of the month and days before we must become extra aware and present of and in our bodies and spirits and stay connected to our true self that still coexist with the pain body. What happens when we are emotionally and physically bleeding is that we get absorbed and occupied by those forces that disconnect us from our true self. But, we can train ourselves to use this time of the month to become extra aware of our true spirit if we create that space inside.

I will commit to…

My new commitments to this time of my month almost make me excited to get there. I have bought myself a red diary that I will log my emotions, starting a week before my period, through which I am intending to become more aware of my authentic self and the pain body. The goal is to be able to separate my self from the force and become more and more aware of when I am speaking and when it is my pain body that is doing the talking. I will commit to meditate more and longer and don’t push myself physically unless I feel that that is what my body needs. I will remind myself that this is my chance of reaching a higher level of awareness and truly connect to my body, almost speak to it. And, I am going to laugh with love at what the pain body is trying to make me believe, thanking it for the perspective it gives me when it reminds me of what life can be like if you are not aware of what is going on here and now.

I’m committed to be in communication with my true self, meditate when I am having a hard time knowing who is who, go out for a walk if I feel nagged, stretch, breath and connect to that place within my body that knows everything about me as much as I possibly can. Happy periods ma ladies <3 may the force be with you!

 

When being wrong is right

As I’m getting more and more open to changes in my life I read and hear things with a new kind of light. I used to hear only what I wanted to hear and fight off everything else. It was as if I was taught not to listen, which is random because listening was all my parents ever wanted me to do while they made it clear that they would also listen to me and my brothers.

To a point we can only understand what we are open to understand and hear. We can only use information that we are open to receive. Some information might just pass though us, unprocessed, like some kind of fibre if we don’t have the right tools to break down and use the goodness in them. We grow up and what we know is all we know – it’s all the tools that we’ve got to take shit in.

The most important thing I’ve learnt this week is that only when I accept that I might not have all the answers all the time and that I don’t have to be right in all situations – that’s when I can open up, learn and widen my inner and outer world. The horizon grow so much bigger, right in front of my eyes, the minute I accept that I’m not right and that I can learn something in every situation. There is no win in being right because you won nothing new to you. It is when you admit that you are wrong and learn to see something new you have really won something!

It is hard, sometimes painful, to admit that I am not right. The hardest part is to let it go – it being any sort of argument or truth that I am holding on to for god knows what reason. It is an act of the ego that wants people to believe that I am sitting on the truth. I gain some kind of respect, I believe, if I know something that other people don’t. But what do I gain from telling people what I know? Respect? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am not gaining any new knowledge. By constantly being “in the right” I never allow myself to move forward and grow – which is the whole point of living and evolving.

It is a beautiful, peaceful art to be able to silence the ego and listen with a truly open mind, willing to learn and grow from each moment and every conversation rather than using every situation as a performance to outsmart and show off what you believe that you know for sure that other people don’t. It will not get me anywhere, and that is kind of cool to realise and be aware of. Off we go.

How not to be your own shadow – fight!

I used to hurt myself in many different ways. Not just strictly physical, but also with actions. I drank too much without caring for my body, I talked myself down and starved my body. I had a need to feel and look sick so that I didn’t have to deal with what I was supposed to deal with – I had an excuse and that made my life easier in a way- but not happier, more exciting or more livable. And definitely not full of purpose and fulfillment.

Reading “The war of art” made me realize why I spent so many years fighting with myself; it is so much easier than fighting for myself. It was easier to make an excuse not to start writing and expressing myself through creativity and accepting my lack of talent than actually doing something that fulfilled me and expressed who I truly was and still am.

My excuses were many. On one hand I can think of: people will make fun of me and not understand what I am trying to do, I am not good enough at doing this, I should get a real career that will get me a steady income, writing and self expression is just a hobby, I will not reach anyone with my work – no one will like/enjoy/relate to it… the list can grow endlessly. There are so many fights I have to fight within to actually find the courage to do this shit anyway; there is not just the one fight. Excuses are much easier to come up with and fall back on, and you rarely risk anything by following their advice. But they never help you to become a better person.

WHY ME?

With every move I make towards getting my book out there I fight a million voices that tries to tell me why there is no point in proceeding and “wasting time” working on it. I fight those voices mentioned above but add to them any possible doubt and that is the forces that are trying to put me “back in place” and not trust that I can do what I truly want to do. Why me, is a big one? There are so many people out there that could be doing this a million times better – it tells me and I hear it. Every day I try not to listen.

In “the War of art” Steven Pressfield call this resistance to create and the resistance to creativity. Just opening the war of art made me, from the first page, feel and understand that this force, that is trying to prevent me from doing what I love, will be there with me as a bad friend forever. But, now when I know him, I know that he is the one being insecure, scared, unloved, unfulfilled and not worth ever listening to – not the real me. He is the black angel, the bully who doesn’t know any better, and he is always full of shit.

Even though I hear him loud and clear, every day, I will not let him win over me, because I know that I will look back and thank myself for every fight I won against him. If I give in it only means that I will have to start doing this shit later in life – because this is what I would do if someone gave me six months left to live. To me it is meaningful and it gives my soul and me a purpose. That’s how I know that he is full of shit that resistance, I know that this is worth fighting for and I know that if I will not do this I will always just be my own shadow.

I’m breaking up with my ego

I’ve started to untangle this thing called ego and I realised that I haven’t quite identified my dedicated life companion. As I sat down to research what the ego actually is I came across this article that explained it in a way that really resonated with me (linked below). I felt as if allowed me to hold my ego in front of me and actually see what it was. The ego is everything that we believe that we are. It is our whole belief structure.

My ego is what makes me insecure in certain situations; it is it what compares who I am and what I look like with others. It is the belief that if what I do isn’t perfect – it is worth nothing. Bullshit, right?

All egos work in different ways; it has made up different stories about who we are and have to be in society. My ego need to be liked, it cares about what people think of me more than it cares about what I think of me.

My ego tells me that I cannot do what other people can do, and if I can it let me know that there are many people out there that can do what I want to do and love to do better than me. It also tries to constantly make me feel as if I am not liked, as if people doesn’t really want to be around me, as if I’m in the way. Another interesting craving my ego plants in my mind is that I need to tweak my brain to fit in and become a better and more likable human and for that it reaches for drugs like alcohol, coffee and other chemicals. It is telling me that I will become a better person or have a better time if I only…. escape the present moment, tweak it or at least blurr it a little.

My ego has made me believe that all other people, in the world, has like a collective opinion of me

My ego tells me that if things aren’t now they never will be and people will always think of me in the same way. But when I think about it that doesn’t make sense at all. My ego has made me believe that all other people, in the world, has like a collective opinion of me as someone weak, silly, annoying and lost; but all people cannot have the same opinion of me, so that must be my ego telling me stories that I naively believe. What I believe that people think of me is just my ego telling me that that’s the truth when in fact there are as many individual opinions of me as there are people I’ve met and no matter how many opinions there are of me – only the authentic me know if they are true to me or not. My ego then want to justify to the world why I am who I am and make people understand me, but the authentic me have no interest in that. My authentic self is calm and need no justification.

And, my ego once made me believe that I was never going to love myself because there was nothing to love, that I was always going to feel lost, always going to feel wrong and never going to find a calm and purpose within. It also told me that I was never going to be loved, but now I am. And, I do love myself. I know that I only want love for everyone in this world. I want the best for everyone whatever that may look like for them, and that is something worth loving. I do feel lost sometimes, but when I look within and connect to what my authentic self want to be and achieve in life I feel on track and safe again because then I am connected to my inner calm and purpose.

The ego might make you think that everything will always be the same but there is also a contrasting source within you that is trying to make you live beyond the structures of the ego. Every time that source reaches beyond the egos limitations you realise that those beliefs were false. Isn’t that reason enough to question everything you think and believe about who you are and what you are capable of?

My ego works hard to try to make me believe that what I truly want to achieve I cannot. Looking back at how many times I have proved my ego wrong I will now attempt to distance myself even further from my own personal limit and doubt maker and just do what the real me wants and needs to do.

Want to read more? here is the article I found (or it found me?)  http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/happiness/2013/02/26/what-is-the-ego/

A place of knowing nothing

I know what I know. But what I know that I know might not be the truth – even when I am convinced that it is. So many times in my life I’ve felt as if I’ve done it all and nothing works. I’ve read all there is to read about something or tried all different remedies, that’s how I’ve been feeling – like I have all the knowledge. That also invites a feeling of hopelessness, because if I have tried it all I must be wrong. Then, at the same time as I feel this hopelessness of knowing it all, in the same body and mind I am open to accept the fact that I know nothing about anything.

I love to feel as if I know nothing, because that means that there is hope to constantly improve. It is also scary because I question if what I am doing is the “right” things to do, and if I know nothing, how will I ever know?

It is frustrating to think that you know it all, because if I know it all, then I must be forever damaged, unfixable, and I honestly don’t believe that that is the case. So I obviously mustn’t know it all. I think that it is simple to accept your flaws and get comfortable in them. For so long I have just accepted my anxiety and the fact that I need antidepressants for the rest of my life. I have accepted the fact that I am flawed and that I have tried it all, but in reality that is just me being lazy and arrogant. How can I believe that I know it all when not even the greatest of scientists in the field would believe that they do?

I feel better than I have done in many years right now, but I am hungry for more. I want to bounce out of bed with purpose. I want to feel that what I am doing in life matters (to me but also to others). I want to feel like I have the energy to run forever if I wanted to. I don’t want to run forever, but I want to feel as if I had to – I could. I want to trust life and that everything I do I do because I am supposed to. I want to feel as I am good enough to not do anything too.
With curiosity I want to do more of what makes me feel great, and I want to live a life where I can follow those emotions. Who cares about right and wrong as long as shit feels right and good? I want to surf on all the creative waves inside of me and let them take me where I need to go. I want the freedom of asking for help when I need it without feeling that I am failing my own capability and myself. Because believing that I know it all is insanity. The feeling of knowing it all and not being open to learning is just a roadblock-state-of-mind that will prevent me from acting, living growing and evolving. I am crazy, but I am not completely insane, thank god.

Prison or Freedom?

Feelings come and they go, some scare or ruff me up a little and some make me feel like magic is to be alive. I think that I have been able to identify the past couple of months episode of anxiousness and flatness. Don’t get me wrong – it’s nothing constant. Most of the time I have faith and belief in myself that I am on the right track doing my thing, but sometimes it just feels like it is taking forever. When I start feeling like that, like it is taking too long to get on to the road I want to be on and I find it hard to feel as if I’m actually on the right track. I simply start questioning if I’ve got it in me.
The thing is that I know that I am doing the right thing but I think that I might need some help and I don’t know where to find it. Yet. I know that it will find me or I will find it, but then I start to question if it will or if there is more I can do. There is always more you can do, but how do you know what to do when you don’t know what to do?

I thought about prison the other day and I can understand how some people find it easier to live in there because they would know exactly what’s expected of them. If they don’t live up to it – someone will make them understand what it is that they need to do. The same concept can be found in schools and in a normal 9-5 job that you are expected to attend to. In a way that is a little bit like a prison too. If you just look at the structure of it – it is a prison, or at least a life with one of those GPS things around your ankle. It doesn’t mean that you cannot like it – I loved school for example because then and there I knew what I had to do know if I was on the “right” track. My grades told me if what I was doing was working. School didn’t prepare me for a life outside of these structures though, most likely because the people who create the school programs live a life by these rules too. Maybe they like it, maybe they don’t – that’s not the point.

Today, the idea of having to be somewhere at a certain time and stay until I’m aloud to leave gives me anxiety. But so does being where I am at the moment – because I have no guarantee that I am capable of being independent, I have no grades that shows me if what I am doing is working. I am scared of the unknown and I am scared that I am too lazy to think and act for myself but at the same time I am even more scared of the thought of knowing what my days will look like for the rest of my life. I am not interested in numbers and businesses and I am not interested in being in charge of people. I am not interested in advertising myself. What I am interested in is this – what I am doing right now, in this moment when I am writing this – this is what makes my time fly.

So yes, I have identified my source of anxiety, I think, and that feels relievingly great. It is called uncertainty, which is a form of lack of confidence, and I believe that the only thing that I can do to help myself out of this is to keep on keepin on and make sure that I am moving forward with what I am passionate about. At least when I feel that uncertainty and anxiety of not knowing if I’m doing the right thing I know that I am not in prison, because if I was, I would know exactly what was expected of me. In the end, my anxiety from having to be somewhere every day is much scarier than the anxiety of not knowing where to be at all.

Back on the antidepressants – but not for long

I don’t want to call it a fight even though it is in a way. I want to view it as if I’m gaining my own trust instead. Ten days of taking smaller dosage of my antidepressants I had to reconsider the decision to do this all alone. I am so excited to not depend on any chemical to feel balanced but rushing into it turned out to be harder than I’d expected. Yes, I feel like I failed, but that won’t help me. I don’t care if I failed because I will not give up; I’m not even close to be close.

So, why did I have to go back to my full dosage again?
I was so excited when I was cutting a quarter off my pills every morning, I felt proud and excited to get to know myself again in a way. I don’t feel like I am not myself, but in a way I feel like I’m not independently me. I need something in order to be able to be the real me. Finally I felt like I could be myself without that constant support, but it turned out that I couldn’t. I got grumpy, started snapping a lot. Like I had constant PMS and I started to feel as if people were against me, like some kind of paranoia. This happened the last time I tried to go off my Serotonin supplement too; I feel attacked and… like I’m a victim.

I know enough to understand that the key out of these feelings I already have access to. I don’t believe that serotonin pills are the key. But I realized that I need support to be able to help me out of this room that I have furnished too comfortably for myself.
I need a plan, and my next step is to find a functional doctor that I can trust to support me when I find my way to independence (I was going to write back to independence but I realised that I have never been independent, ever)! Sometimes it works fine with a personality like mine, who can’t wait long enough to actually do things “properly” and instead just jump head first in to shit out of excitement or lack of patience. And sometimes, like in this case, it make sense to step back and do it again in the slow and “proper” way, because living with paranoia whilst trying to trust myself turned out to be quite hard.

I am not scared of failing myself anymore, at least not with this, because I know that failing isn’t the same as giving up, and feeling for myself is the only way I can understand what it is that I actually need. I’ve come a long way from the person I was starting with these antidepressants, Oh my god what a long way I’ve come. The last time I failed going off my serotonin I accepted the fact that I might have to be on these for the rest of my life; now I’ve accepted the fact that there is no chance that that will be the case.

I am now excited to get to know a deeper layer of myself called independence and I just have to accept that it might take some time. This is not a quick fix – it is forever.