I don’t want to call it a fight even though it is in a way. I want to view it as if I’m gaining my own trust instead. Ten days of taking smaller dosage of my antidepressants I had to reconsider the decision to do this all alone. I am so excited to not depend on any chemical to feel balanced but rushing into it turned out to be harder than I’d expected. Yes, I feel like I failed, but that won’t help me. I don’t care if I failed because I will not give up; I’m not even close to be close.
So, why did I have to go back to my full dosage again?
I was so excited when I was cutting a quarter off my pills every morning, I felt proud and excited to get to know myself again in a way. I don’t feel like I am not myself, but in a way I feel like I’m not independently me. I need something in order to be able to be the real me. Finally I felt like I could be myself without that constant support, but it turned out that I couldn’t. I got grumpy, started snapping a lot. Like I had constant PMS and I started to feel as if people were against me, like some kind of paranoia. This happened the last time I tried to go off my Serotonin supplement too; I feel attacked and… like I’m a victim.
I know enough to understand that the key out of these feelings I already have access to. I don’t believe that serotonin pills are the key. But I realized that I need support to be able to help me out of this room that I have furnished too comfortably for myself.
I need a plan, and my next step is to find a functional doctor that I can trust to support me when I find my way to independence (I was going to write back to independence but I realised that I have never been independent, ever)! Sometimes it works fine with a personality like mine, who can’t wait long enough to actually do things “properly” and instead just jump head first in to shit out of excitement or lack of patience. And sometimes, like in this case, it make sense to step back and do it again in the slow and “proper” way, because living with paranoia whilst trying to trust myself turned out to be quite hard.
I am not scared of failing myself anymore, at least not with this, because I know that failing isn’t the same as giving up, and feeling for myself is the only way I can understand what it is that I actually need. I’ve come a long way from the person I was starting with these antidepressants, Oh my god what a long way I’ve come. The last time I failed going off my serotonin I accepted the fact that I might have to be on these for the rest of my life; now I’ve accepted the fact that there is no chance that that will be the case.
I am now excited to get to know a deeper layer of myself called independence and I just have to accept that it might take some time. This is not a quick fix – it is forever.