Feelings come and they go, some scare or ruff me up a little and some make me feel like magic is to be alive. I think that I have been able to identify the past couple of months episode of anxiousness and flatness. Don’t get me wrong – it’s nothing constant. Most of the time I have faith and belief in myself that I am on the right track doing my thing, but sometimes it just feels like it is taking forever. When I start feeling like that, like it is taking too long to get on to the road I want to be on and I find it hard to feel as if I’m actually on the right track. I simply start questioning if I’ve got it in me.
The thing is that I know that I am doing the right thing but I think that I might need some help and I don’t know where to find it. Yet. I know that it will find me or I will find it, but then I start to question if it will or if there is more I can do. There is always more you can do, but how do you know what to do when you don’t know what to do?
I thought about prison the other day and I can understand how some people find it easier to live in there because they would know exactly what’s expected of them. If they don’t live up to it – someone will make them understand what it is that they need to do. The same concept can be found in schools and in a normal 9-5 job that you are expected to attend to. In a way that is a little bit like a prison too. If you just look at the structure of it – it is a prison, or at least a life with one of those GPS things around your ankle. It doesn’t mean that you cannot like it – I loved school for example because then and there I knew what I had to do know if I was on the “right” track. My grades told me if what I was doing was working. School didn’t prepare me for a life outside of these structures though, most likely because the people who create the school programs live a life by these rules too. Maybe they like it, maybe they don’t – that’s not the point.
Today, the idea of having to be somewhere at a certain time and stay until I’m aloud to leave gives me anxiety. But so does being where I am at the moment – because I have no guarantee that I am capable of being independent, I have no grades that shows me if what I am doing is working. I am scared of the unknown and I am scared that I am too lazy to think and act for myself but at the same time I am even more scared of the thought of knowing what my days will look like for the rest of my life. I am not interested in numbers and businesses and I am not interested in being in charge of people. I am not interested in advertising myself. What I am interested in is this – what I am doing right now, in this moment when I am writing this – this is what makes my time fly.
So yes, I have identified my source of anxiety, I think, and that feels relievingly great. It is called uncertainty, which is a form of lack of confidence, and I believe that the only thing that I can do to help myself out of this is to keep on keepin on and make sure that I am moving forward with what I am passionate about. At least when I feel that uncertainty and anxiety of not knowing if I’m doing the right thing I know that I am not in prison, because if I was, I would know exactly what was expected of me. In the end, my anxiety from having to be somewhere every day is much scarier than the anxiety of not knowing where to be at all.