I know what I know. But what I know that I know might not be the truth – even when I am convinced that it is. So many times in my life I’ve felt as if I’ve done it all and nothing works. I’ve read all there is to read about something or tried all different remedies, that’s how I’ve been feeling – like I have all the knowledge. That also invites a feeling of hopelessness, because if I have tried it all I must be wrong. Then, at the same time as I feel this hopelessness of knowing it all, in the same body and mind I am open to accept the fact that I know nothing about anything.
I love to feel as if I know nothing, because that means that there is hope to constantly improve. It is also scary because I question if what I am doing is the “right” things to do, and if I know nothing, how will I ever know?
It is frustrating to think that you know it all, because if I know it all, then I must be forever damaged, unfixable, and I honestly don’t believe that that is the case. So I obviously mustn’t know it all. I think that it is simple to accept your flaws and get comfortable in them. For so long I have just accepted my anxiety and the fact that I need antidepressants for the rest of my life. I have accepted the fact that I am flawed and that I have tried it all, but in reality that is just me being lazy and arrogant. How can I believe that I know it all when not even the greatest of scientists in the field would believe that they do?
I feel better than I have done in many years right now, but I am hungry for more. I want to bounce out of bed with purpose. I want to feel that what I am doing in life matters (to me but also to others). I want to feel like I have the energy to run forever if I wanted to. I don’t want to run forever, but I want to feel as if I had to – I could. I want to trust life and that everything I do I do because I am supposed to. I want to feel as I am good enough to not do anything too.
With curiosity I want to do more of what makes me feel great, and I want to live a life where I can follow those emotions. Who cares about right and wrong as long as shit feels right and good? I want to surf on all the creative waves inside of me and let them take me where I need to go. I want the freedom of asking for help when I need it without feeling that I am failing my own capability and myself. Because believing that I know it all is insanity. The feeling of knowing it all and not being open to learning is just a roadblock-state-of-mind that will prevent me from acting, living growing and evolving. I am crazy, but I am not completely insane, thank god.