250 months of period- time to become friends

I am kind of lucky in a way because ever since I got those first stains of blood in my panties (pardon my French) I have never suffered from bad stomach ache, back ache, nausea or anything that disabled me physically before, and during my time of the month. I know a couple of woman who literally cannot move for a couple of days each month. Myself, I suffer from a mild little back pain and an occasional stomach cramp once every few months. That’s it. But… IN saying that though, I do not “get away” symptom free.

Fuck, there are a lot of frustrating things connected to this time of the month. There’s a will to be able to control “it” and be completely aware of what’s going on inside of me so that the emotions don’t take over my whole persona. There is a pressure (not only limited to my own mind) that us woman should be able to handle this because it is such a frequently reoccurring phenomena in our lives – we should know how to deal and handle it by now – I mean it happens twelve times a year- ish. Loosely counting I have had 250 times of practicing to get to know my symptoms, mood swings and hormonal disruptions but still, every month it manoeuvres me an completely take over my persona if I’m not extra aware.

U N D E R S T A N D where I AM COMING FROM

It is abstract and sneaks up on me, and because I can’t physically feel it; it’s hard to know when it is actually the real me being upset and when it is this “pain body” (that Eckhart Tolle calls it) that is being upset in the shape of me. Like if it was not just a part of me, but it rather was me, it make me feel like everything, then and there, make all the sense in the world. I can’t let the smallest things let go, I have to make whoever is around me (mostly Adrian) agree with what I say and U N D E R S T A N D where I AM COMING FROM. Constantly. There is a very strong need to be in the right and being justified that the emotions that I am feeling are ok and non exaggerated.

The thing that makes it hard to know when it is the reel me feeling and when it is my pain body feeling is that it is never an exact number of days before the period that I can expect this “pain body take over”. Sometimes it arrives more than a week before, and sometimes just a few days, and because it settles in quietly and make me feel as if what I am feeling I would feel any other day of the month I am having a hard time distancing myself from it.

When the pain body becomes a part of me I honestly feel as if it is the rest of the world (and again, mostly Adrian since he is most of my world) who are acting as if they are having PMS – not me. I feel as if they get more stubborn and willing to start an argument and I feel as if people are actually trying to be difficult – JUST THAT TIME OF MY MONTH. And the scary part is that that totally make sense to me. I think “Fuck they are being so stubborn and annoying right now” and I believe that the problem lies with them EVEN when I know that my period is coming up in the next couple of days. I ask myself “can it be me this time, remember last month you felt like this too and you are going to get your period soon, so maybe you should consider that you are actually feeling upset because of that not because of what is happening right now outside of your body” but then I agree with myself that “No, this time, this time is different to the other 249 previous months, this time people are trying to get on my nerves. It is THEM not ME.”

Every damn month

Another funny aspect is the fact that I think that this month I am actually gaining weight too. I find all sorts of proof to back up the fact that it is not those extra period kg’s that has dressed my body every 249 months prior to this month – this month I have been eating too much peanut butter and it is showing on my body for real a couple of days before my period is expected. My subconscious brain is questioning me and reminds me of all the past months, over the 15 years of period experiences, where I have been convinced, every single month, that I have gained “real” weight but then realised that it was just a part of my cycle. But I am as convinced, every damn month, that this month is different to all the other months.

It is kind of a beautiful thing in a way though, because I am trying to always live in possibility where the past doesn’t predict the future, meaning that just because something happened in a certain way in the past doesn’t mean that so it will in the future. But, at the same time I never let the past teach me about the future when it comes to me gaining weight and people being silly in that time of my month, I also more or less expect it to come every month which is kind of an internal contradiction.

I realized that I have to make it my mission to do something about this, find a strategy that can allow me to surf on top of this red wave rather than be completely drenched and overpowered by it. There must be a way of becoming so aware of it that it turns in to that stupid friend that takes everything a little bit too serious that you have learnt to laugh at and love.

In “The power of now” By Eckhart Tolle that is exactly what is recommended. First, we have to distance ourselves from the “pain-body” and understand that it is a force that is not us. It has come to settle in for a couple of days and it will try to take over the scene and make us believe that it is whom we are. It’s not. Eckhart Tolle suggest that this time of the month and days before we must become extra aware and present of and in our bodies and spirits and stay connected to our true self that still coexist with the pain body. What happens when we are emotionally and physically bleeding is that we get absorbed and occupied by those forces that disconnect us from our true self. But, we can train ourselves to use this time of the month to become extra aware of our true spirit if we create that space inside.

I will commit to…

My new commitments to this time of my month almost make me excited to get there. I have bought myself a red diary that I will log my emotions, starting a week before my period, through which I am intending to become more aware of my authentic self and the pain body. The goal is to be able to separate my self from the force and become more and more aware of when I am speaking and when it is my pain body that is doing the talking. I will commit to meditate more and longer and don’t push myself physically unless I feel that that is what my body needs. I will remind myself that this is my chance of reaching a higher level of awareness and truly connect to my body, almost speak to it. And, I am going to laugh with love at what the pain body is trying to make me believe, thanking it for the perspective it gives me when it reminds me of what life can be like if you are not aware of what is going on here and now.

I’m committed to be in communication with my true self, meditate when I am having a hard time knowing who is who, go out for a walk if I feel nagged, stretch, breath and connect to that place within my body that knows everything about me as much as I possibly can. Happy periods ma ladies <3 may the force be with you!

 

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