I remember, a bit over a year ago when I started this blog those struggles that took up place in my life. They were so different to the once I am dealing with today. Looking back I see that I haven’t done a backwards moonwalk – I have become a better person on most levels in my life, maybe not so noticeable to others, but truly to myself. My life used to spin around in circles, as if I was the earth just spinning with seasonal obsessions. I realised I have to cut down drinking, I come up with a new strategy and a new diet, I lose some weight, get obsessed and then I realise that I am obsessed and start working against my obsession that I once started to “save myself” so I went back to where I started and the same sequence happened again and again and again. My life circled around the need to be accepted, the need to be seen, the need for people to understand me. I focused on what was happening to me until I over time realised more and more that I had to focus on what happened inside of me instead.
Finally I am out of this magnetic wheel of motion that I have been holding on to and I feel now that I am more the moon in this scenario. I can feel how gravity makes me turn around and I can feel the feelings that used to drag me in and around but since I now have distanced myself from… myself.. I can get a clearer perspective in how life affects me, which enables me to take actions with balance rather than just get sucked in and blame myself for being human.
My posts change with what is important to me at the moment: it used to be if I had got enough training, about my diet and getting the perfect body, about eating disorders and about finding balance, now it is about finding purpose and nourish what is important in life and I have to say that the evolving of the blog, or rather the evolving of myself as a person feels very healthy and important since I am trying to help girls who are stuck in that wheel of motion, like myself, in my book that is soon ready to be published.
The only thing that has helped me to build this bridge between my ego and self is to be interested and curious to do so. I wasn’t happy then and I knew that I wanted to be – so whenever there was something or someone that could help me understand myself a little better I listened with my whole being. And sometimes I am still the earth. Sometimes I can’t see the beauty in front of me. But every time that happens I learn something new about myself.
The other day for example, I was out for a bikeride with Adrian. It was a seriously beautiful morning and as we biked along the water I reminded myself to really absorb it, become it. My head was itching a little as I thought of what I wanted to sort out in the day. I needed to figure out some logistics and move forward with my projects and those tasks were nagging me even though they were out of my control then and there on the bike. What I did have in that moment was the ocean, the sun, the palm trees, fresh breath, endorphins from the exercise, the company of the person I love. I had the whole world and still I couldn’t become the world around me. The lack of connection to the present moment made me sad and I started to cry. Why can’t I see it? Why can’t I feel it?
I kept moving, aimlessly trying to find that connection that made me feel alive but I felt helpless. My body and mind wanted to get home and sort shit out and I couldn’t come up with a reason not to. When I stepped into the apartment I went strait into the coldest shower and suddenly I felt a little bit of power to move. I realized that just because I couldn’t connect this morning doesn’t mean that it will be like that forever, and next time when I can I will appreciate it so much more because I know how it feel when I’m not able to.
This is the thing that makes life so excited. We can always learn new things about ourselves; we just have to want to learn. We have to keep opening up new pathways through our minds and one way of doing so is to listen and learn from other people.
I am so happy to now have up a little motivational video library on my blog, next to the “contact” page. It is quite small at the moment but with time it will be an oasis of happiness, inspiration, motivation and love. There I will post all videos and recourses that has helped me to get to know myself better and/or has taught me something new and valuable to my life and hopefully you too can get something out of it.