Monthly Archives: June 2017

Link

Mydeal Article about Amazing jobs!

I answered a question about what it is like to try to become what you dream of. It is such a weird question to actually stop and ask yourself.. thats’s why I like it.

“Every day I wake up and I write. I write for my blog, on my book or on the next book which will be my first attempt to write fiction. When I am done the writing I feel as if I have done my whole being a favour. I t feels complete. I feel complete”

 

Read the full list of Jobs you didn’t know existed here: https://www.mydeal.com.au/blog/post/amazing-jobs

Moving forward can be scary

This week has been both hard and easy at the same time. I had a meltdown a couple a days ago. Like one of those where you cry so much you need sunglasses in the supermarket. Why did I feel bad? Well actually, bad wasn’t really what I felt; I more felt stuck in a place where I knew I needed help but I didn’t know what help I needed to ask for. It was as if I was stuck in a deep hole and I didn’t know that I needed to ask someone for a ladder or a rope to pull me out. I was in the hole and I didn’t know that a ladder existed. At the same time it felt slightly amazing feeling that panic, and I don’t know why. Maybe subconsciously I knew that after this storm there will be a step up and I will have moved forward. I knew my breakdown wasn’t the end, not even a step back. It was needed for me to gather my strength and focus to finally move forward.

I now feel as if I am back on track. I feel so supported. Adrian constantly remind me that I am doing what I am doing to feel good, help others to feel good and to not take challenges so seriously. One step at the time. If I let every challenge break my, then I have to ask myself what it is worth. I don’t feel as if anything I am doing today is breaking me, rather the opposite. Even when I was sitting there with my head on the kitchen table, feeling as if I have no clue on where to turn next, in any aspect, I could feel that letting all of this anxiety, around what I am doing, out I was finally ready to move on after.

Life has also introduced me to people who can truly help me with my book development so that the book can and will be as helpful as possible to people. Again, I feel a new wave of support around me that really couldn’t have come in a better time. It is so good when people come into your life and confirm the fact that you have got what it takes in you. People like that is invaluable and if you ever have the chance to make other people realise what they are worth – take it. It can change their whole way of living, thinking and being. It can change their life and in turn they can change someone else’s…

What I have learnt from the past week is that there is always people out there who knows or can help you with what you need to know in order to take something to the next level. Ask people for help. I have devalued my own needs for too long believing that what I need help with isn’t worth people’s time. But not believing that I deserve to get help is to believe that my purpose in life isn’t worth anyone attention, and I know that it is, because my purpose is to help others through my own experiences. I keep struggling with valuing my work. Sometimes I think of the “wrong what-if’s” and let them lead how I go about my work. I think “what if I ask all these people for help and then I let them down by failing” instead of thinking “if I can get help with this and that I can help so many more people relate and grow with and though my writing and that means that the work is invaluable too”. This is a shift of thinking about what I am doing that I really have to make now, or else I am only self-sabotaging.

Help others, and don’t feel bad to ask others for help! Invite people to share their knowledge and allow yourself to grow.

I can change my life

Most of the times I like to think that I am aware of my whole being and why I respond to things the way I do, emotionally. I like to think that I am in control, and if something happens that make me go off I like to believe that it has nothing to do with me. I like to think that I am in such good control over my own emotions that if I break or snap – it wasn’t because of me, it was because of them. That is a very dangerous and un-aware way of living and being. Feeling as if everything is under my own control make me blame others when I am unbalanced and that is preventing me from really being able to tune in and listen to what my body is trying to tell me.

I have to take responsibility for the fact that my body is experiencing and going through something that will have an effect on how I interpret things

For example, when I used to drink a lot of alcohol every weekend and I woke up with bad anxiety every Monday morning. I believed that my emotions were sort of under control because I knew that the drinking effected my emotions to the point where I felt that I would never be able to feel happiness again. But I didn’t want to take responsibility for the fact that “people” also got more annoying when I felt like shit, and I might have gotten angry with a friend, making up stories of betrayal in my mind that I would never have come up with if it wasn’t for the fact that the alcohol made me emotionally unbalanced. I thought that it was enough taking responsibility for the anxiety and the depression, but I wonder how much that has happened I didn’t take responsibility for because I blamed other people for being annoying or false when the reality was that I was paranoid or mentally weak from drinking and not sleeping enough.

Essentially it is the same with PMS. When I am “under the PMS-spell” my whole being feel as if other people have more problems with me as a person. Realistically that cannot be the case. People aren’t more annoying and don’t want to go against my will more often then than any other days (unless they are under some kind of “spell” too). I have to take responsibility for the fact that my body is experiencing and going through something that will have an effect on how I interpret things. The change on how I experience life under the spell can therefore only get better if I can find a way of becoming internally balanced. It is not the outside world that is changing when I have PMS, it is the inside of my own world that is going through some hormonal turbulence.

I notice with myself that I point more fingers than ever when I am under the PMS spell. I try to make other people change the way they act and I feel as if I am entitled to feel disappointed with people more. I feel as if I am in the right and the whole world is in the wrong. But that can’t be the answer, when has that ever been the answer? Never. I have to change the way I am dealing with my own hormones and I have to find a way of balancing my body, mind and soul or else I will never see a change in how I experience life.

Fuck, the change actually ALWAYS start within doesn’t it?

The way people act never has anything to do with you and if you let other peoples behaviour get to you then that is a reflection of your inner life. It really is, but we cannot see it when we are trapped in an unbalanced body because the unbalance make us justify that things outside are out of balance.

This little epiphany makes me feel full of hope. It means that I can actually change my whole life just by starting to take responsibility of my own inner balance. I can change my life by stop blaming other people for making me annoyed. I can change my life by start focusing on why I deal with things the way I deal with them. . Our inside world is the key to the outside world. All the doors we want to go through are inside of us which means that we are already where we need to be physically, we only have to learn how to navigate mentally.

Sacrificing a little bit of my individuality

I have been holding on to my freedom like it was the only thing that was keeping me alive and happy. Everything that closed in on my personal space of freedom made me feel really unease and claustrophobic, but most of all it makes me feel frustrated. Who are anyone to think that they have the right to tell me how I can and cannot act and what I can and cannot do unless what I am doing is hurting other people? I haven’t been able to wrap my head around that, until now. My fight for freedom has made me cringe of the thought of being the slightest controlled. I have believed control to be evil and only damaging to people’s true individualities.

But recently, after again listening to Jordan Petersons podcast with Joe Rogan I have realised that control over people isn’t evil (if the control itself is not practised by evil people). To be a part of a group, a society we have to sacrifice a little bit of our freedom and individuality, or else we will not be able to be a part of the society. Without rules and boundaries there will not be a society. We would probably go back to being tribal without working towards a collective development of the world. It is when rules gets corrupted that we have to be alarmed and make sure that rules are created to benefit the biggest number of people. This is probably where I should stop writing about this because I have only touched on the surface of knowledge and science about this and how a society is built isn’t really part of my passionate interests.

What I am interested in though is how me, as an individual, can view these restrictions of my way of expressing myself in the healthiest way. See, before I was only frustrated with the sacrifice of my individuality that I had to make with going to school, following the rules there, not being able to do things that I wanted to do, put myself in line, learn about subjective rights and wrongs and having to follow some of those made up rights or else I couldn’t be a part of the bigger picture. These sacrifices have always made me frustrated. WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS? Have I screamed. I don’t understand WHY? And to be honest I don’t ever think I have gotten any other answers to that questions than “because I say so, because those are the rules, because everybody has to do it, because it is the law”. And that has never made me satisfied. Why are the rules there if nobody can tell me the purpose behind them?

What I realise now is that it is though these sort of individual sacrifices that we create a common ground to stand on. We create reference points we use to understand and communicate with each other. We sacrifice a bit of our own freedom in order to create a way of living together. I have never looked at it in this way, and maybe this is completely obvious to many people out there, but now I am happy that I understand that the sacrifice we more or less are forced to do is connecting us all. But like with everything, the more we sacrifice the better it WILL NOT get. We have to find a balance between sacrificing individuality and still being able to express ourselves in our own individual way. We never want to lose our individuality, but most of us also don’t want to lose our connection to the rest of the group either. I am now happy understanding that I can be grateful for things that used to make me feel only frustration.

Progress in the land of antidepressants

I am always on the hunt for new things that can make me feel better than I did yesterday. It is a passion of mine, if feeling good can be called a passion. I love reading up about and trying to understand how my body works. The best thing I know, or one of the best at least, is when I have found a new thing to add to my routine. My purpose at the moment is to wean off my antidepressants, and to do so I need to support my body as much as possible so that it can slowly take over the production of serotonin. I have probably enabled my body to get lazy on those points which lead to a bit of a mini-crises when I tried to cut down to 75% of the dosage earlier this autumn.

I went to the doctor and told her what had happened – basically that I ended up in a phase that can be described as a constant PMS – and she said not to cut down to 75% every day when trying to wean off medication. Instead I should cut down to 50% of the dosage only 1 day per week, then 50% two days per week and keep doing that until I’m on half a dosage every day, and then start cutting again. In that way my brain can slowly take over the serotonin production. This is something I never would’ve thought of to do before, maybe that’s why they say never to try and go off something without a doctor’s consultation.

But somewhere along the way I have lost trust in the medical system. The more I understand how the body actually is capable of supporting me and itself naturally the more frustrated I get with the land of pharmaceutical drugs.

a pill to fix everything

I used to be one of those people who wanted a pill to fix everything. I loved taking (over the counter) painkillers for every little ache I had in my body, I loved being prescribed something that would help me heal or feel better. I loved the feeling of somebody acknowledging that I was broken and needed help in the same way a toddler likes getting a Band-Aid for any minor scratch. They hurt and now somebody care for them – somebody has seen them and confirmed that what they are feeling is okay. It is comforting in the same way a pill is comforting.

Walking in a pharmacy for me used to be like walking in to a world of external possibilities to feel amazing. I could wonder around the isles and if I knew just a little bit less about the world and how it works I would probably walk out with a basket full of pills, vitamins and concoctions every time I left with a new faith in my future – not thanks to myself but thanks to the new pills.

I put all the faith in healing and feeling good outside of my own body, which obviously leads to the body’s signals to go numb and lazy. If I start using external forces to support my body it is going to act like a spoilt child. It is also going to be confused, not knowing when to step in. Back when I started my antidepressants I thought that I was forever broken and that I needed all the help I could get to be fixed. A part of me also liked the thought of being seen as broken. I wanted to feel broken because I didn’t know anything else, another part of me understand that I did what I did because that was all I knew at the time.

I wondered what was wrong with me?

Looking back I just slap my hand on my forehead wondering how naïve I could actually be. But obviously I was. I drank so much diet coke, more than water I would say, I ate 90%protein and didn’t care if it was organic or not (which means that it most likely was pumped with antibiotics and other chemicals which signals would confuse my body), I drank myself stupid every weekend, chewed a crazy amount of gum (crazy amount!) and other “sugar-free” lollies and I never meditated or took time to calm my brain. I worked out every day to lose weight – never to look after or care for my body. I worked out with hate and disgust for myself, which probably triggered a lot of stress in my body. And then I wondered why I didn’t feel good? I wondered what was wrong with me? And I believed that I was healthy and had done everything I could to feel good but I didn’t feel good so I must be broken. I must need external help I thought! Sadly that was the best I knew then.

I am now excited to be able to connect with my body and care for it in a natural way. I know that my body is capable of so much more than I ever dared to think if I am treating it with trust and belief. I am done with feeling helpless and needing Band-Aid for every little scratch, screaming for people to see me weak and hurt. I’m done with disrespecting my body in that way, like it is capable of nothing. I know that I can support it to heal everything that was ever broken within me if I let it, and now I am finally in a place where I dare to believe that I am worth something without needing anyone to feel sorry for me. I don’t need to be looked upon as broken anymore.

I love trust. I love love. I love support. I love connection. I love feeling really good.

I am now down to 50% of my dosage 2 days per week (I’m taking it slow and go in phases of cutting down every two weeks instead of every week) and I know that this is working out for me. To support my body in this process I am committed to give it the best support I know of today.

You can reed about what I do to support my body to wean off antidepressants on this previous post;   http://www.mymondaylove.com/2017/05/26/all-the-reasons-to-feel-good/

I don’t want to be as good as “they” are!

For a very long time I have felt confused and pressured that I need to “fight with the boys” and compete with all the men out there. I want to be “as good as they are” and I want to be able to make as big of an impact “as they do”. I say “they” in the most generalizing sense, for lack of a better way of expressing this, and if you don’t read too much into the sentence I think you know what I am talking about. The world is complicated and it is easy to get confused. The confusing part though happens just because we want everyone to fit into one specific framework and instead of learning how to listen to our emotions and interests we get taught to fight our way within this framework – as if that is what matters the most; how far you can go and how high you can climb. People forget to mention, or might not even know, that there is a life outside of it too. A life where you don’t need to fight, don’t need to prove yourself or do things only to show people that you can, too.

The more I stop competing with other stereotypes, other men and other woman, the more time I have to get to know myself and who I am and would be no matter what society look like around me. As soon as I stopped focusing on being “someone-important” and started to focus on creating things that are important to me with a dream of spreading love, happiness and fulfilment in this world I realised what is important in life. Self-expression is so much more than just arguing your point and telling people what to do and how to live. Self expression is to connect with what is living inside of you, what is trying to express itself through you. It is when we start trying to be what other people are and do what they are doing we lose connection to that expression within that is fighting to get out.

When people do what they do just to prove a point – that is when we allow society to make us unhappy whilst we wonder why we are not happy. We compete to prove a point believing that that is the only solution, we compete in the game we dislike not knowing that it is sucking our soul out of us and we become what it is that we don’t like.

This is such a delicate and hard subject to dig into but I feel like for the first time I can make sense to what it at least means for me as a person.

“FUCK I LOVE DOING THIS

Growing up I learnt that as a girl I have to be a part of this conflict; I have to stand up and show all the men out there that I can be “as good as they are”. In my perfect world I wish that people would stop trying to prove a point and instead prove to themselves that they can (and should) do whatever makes them happy. I’m not talking about the “ha-ha I told you so” happiness I am talking about doing that thing that make your whole soul and being happy. In my perfect world people would stop and ask themselves why they do what they do and if they wake up every day thinking “FUCK I LOVE DOING THIS” or if they think “this is what I have to do to be the person that I want to be. To be as good as “they” are”. You don’t HAVE to do anything. Because if you “have to” do things to become “the person you want to be” than that person is not you. Then that person will become a version of you that hasn’t expressed what you truly want to express. The version of you is just doing things because it thinks that that is what is expected.

What confused me, and has confused me up until now is that I have felt this pressure that I have to achieve something career-wise just because I am a girl (or a woman?) because if I don’t I won’t be able to look back at my life with pride. I have felt like I had failed the fight for my rights and that I am not worth enough, unless I prove that I can too be successful (whatever that is?) within the rules of the society. I was confused, up until now, to what is a “worthy” career and I devalued what I truly loved doing because I didn’t think that it was good enough and I didn’t believe that I was good enough at it to be able to keep on working with it.

What I realize now is that if I, from now on, will start dedicate my life to make my way “up” in the society, try to become “someone” people know and start playing by the rules of our society, THEN I will look back and wish that I would’ve dedicated my life to fulfil my passion and spend my time doing what makes me feel alive. If I realize when I am older that I have done what I’ve done to climb some hierarchical structure just because I have compared myself with people who are doing the same and I think that I am not a worthy human if I don’t, then I will look back fantasising about what I could’ve done with all of that time if I only had realised earlier that life ACTUALLY is about doing shit that make you happy. I don’t want to be a part of a group that would like me more and more the higher up I climb. I need people around me who are curious of life. I want people around me who do what they do with love – not with an agenda.

I think that we should learn from nature. Nature doesn’t ever try to prove a point to anyone because that doesn’t make nature happy. Nature does what naturally flows and if an obstacle occurs, it deals with what happens when it happens. Everything in nature knows what it is suppose to be doing. Can we be/are we supposed to be different or do we naturally have a “call” or a purpose too? It feels like when everything around us have such a certain purpose – can we really be so completely different?