For a very long time I have felt confused and pressured that I need to “fight with the boys” and compete with all the men out there. I want to be “as good as they are” and I want to be able to make as big of an impact “as they do”. I say “they” in the most generalizing sense, for lack of a better way of expressing this, and if you don’t read too much into the sentence I think you know what I am talking about. The world is complicated and it is easy to get confused. The confusing part though happens just because we want everyone to fit into one specific framework and instead of learning how to listen to our emotions and interests we get taught to fight our way within this framework – as if that is what matters the most; how far you can go and how high you can climb. People forget to mention, or might not even know, that there is a life outside of it too. A life where you don’t need to fight, don’t need to prove yourself or do things only to show people that you can, too.
The more I stop competing with other stereotypes, other men and other woman, the more time I have to get to know myself and who I am and would be no matter what society look like around me. As soon as I stopped focusing on being “someone-important” and started to focus on creating things that are important to me with a dream of spreading love, happiness and fulfilment in this world I realised what is important in life. Self-expression is so much more than just arguing your point and telling people what to do and how to live. Self expression is to connect with what is living inside of you, what is trying to express itself through you. It is when we start trying to be what other people are and do what they are doing we lose connection to that expression within that is fighting to get out.
When people do what they do just to prove a point – that is when we allow society to make us unhappy whilst we wonder why we are not happy. We compete to prove a point believing that that is the only solution, we compete in the game we dislike not knowing that it is sucking our soul out of us and we become what it is that we don’t like.
This is such a delicate and hard subject to dig into but I feel like for the first time I can make sense to what it at least means for me as a person.
“FUCK I LOVE DOING THIS”
Growing up I learnt that as a girl I have to be a part of this conflict; I have to stand up and show all the men out there that I can be “as good as they are”. In my perfect world I wish that people would stop trying to prove a point and instead prove to themselves that they can (and should) do whatever makes them happy. I’m not talking about the “ha-ha I told you so” happiness I am talking about doing that thing that make your whole soul and being happy. In my perfect world people would stop and ask themselves why they do what they do and if they wake up every day thinking “FUCK I LOVE DOING THIS” or if they think “this is what I have to do to be the person that I want to be. To be as good as “they” are”. You don’t HAVE to do anything. Because if you “have to” do things to become “the person you want to be” than that person is not you. Then that person will become a version of you that hasn’t expressed what you truly want to express. The version of you is just doing things because it thinks that that is what is expected.
What confused me, and has confused me up until now is that I have felt this pressure that I have to achieve something career-wise just because I am a girl (or a woman?) because if I don’t I won’t be able to look back at my life with pride. I have felt like I had failed the fight for my rights and that I am not worth enough, unless I prove that I can too be successful (whatever that is?) within the rules of the society. I was confused, up until now, to what is a “worthy” career and I devalued what I truly loved doing because I didn’t think that it was good enough and I didn’t believe that I was good enough at it to be able to keep on working with it.
What I realize now is that if I, from now on, will start dedicate my life to make my way “up” in the society, try to become “someone” people know and start playing by the rules of our society, THEN I will look back and wish that I would’ve dedicated my life to fulfil my passion and spend my time doing what makes me feel alive. If I realize when I am older that I have done what I’ve done to climb some hierarchical structure just because I have compared myself with people who are doing the same and I think that I am not a worthy human if I don’t, then I will look back fantasising about what I could’ve done with all of that time if I only had realised earlier that life ACTUALLY is about doing shit that make you happy. I don’t want to be a part of a group that would like me more and more the higher up I climb. I need people around me who are curious of life. I want people around me who do what they do with love – not with an agenda.
I think that we should learn from nature. Nature doesn’t ever try to prove a point to anyone because that doesn’t make nature happy. Nature does what naturally flows and if an obstacle occurs, it deals with what happens when it happens. Everything in nature knows what it is suppose to be doing. Can we be/are we supposed to be different or do we naturally have a “call” or a purpose too? It feels like when everything around us have such a certain purpose – can we really be so completely different?